TouchDeprived

I woke up this morning feeling so alone. Covid isolation has made things worse, of course. Moving to an area I don't know that is very different has been very hard but I could no longer afford to live in the areas I knew. Rents are outrageous here. My 19 year old son has many illnesses physical and mental health. I am currently his PCA but the job is really 24/7 and has been for a long time. I live him yet he needs to grow up and have his own life. I gave up my life to take care of him. I apparently shut down, went into survival mode struggled with major depression and PTSD, I stopped taking care of myself. Decades have gone by and I was not present really. In the past few years I have a new therapist who woke me up to reality. It's been hard. I am getting old now and lost myself and decades of my life. I am burnt out as a caregiver. I have no friends, no career, no money, no marriage (another story for another time.)
This group and other mental health practitioners has started to help me shift me in a new direction. But I miss in person people. Most of all, I miss the touch of a friend, a hug, the physical presence of people. Not talking sexual. Just caring human to caring human. I have never felt so you h deprived in my life. Everything is done virtually.
I need people. In person people. I don't know how to make friends anymore. And I live in a very towny area that isn't very accepting or friendly to new people. I know my mental health issues have effected my friendships. Many long term friends severed the friendship because I was so depressed and because I had certain issues and then when my teenager came out as transgender. There is so much hate of difference in this world. I was really appalled and taken a back. I have isolated for a long time. I was really hurt by the rejection. I had known people for 20 years.
I just want to find my tribe. To be where my son and I are not rejected or judged or looked down on.
I want to have people who accept me and my son as we are.
The country I live in is so messed up. I hate it. I'm ashamed to be from this country.
Sorry to go on and on.
Just really down this morning. Been crying longing for someone to talk to.
#Depression
#Isolation
#COVID19
#lonely
#Rejection
#TouchDeprived
#Shame