Ttc

I know I have to get to her.

I feel the pull in my gut to leave where I am.

I know she is safe and I know she is not far. So I stand up and I go looking for her.

I realise, I’m in my house and I start to walk down the stairs.

I pause halfway down the stairs and I look to my right.

There she is.

I can see her wiggling

I can hear her babbling

She’s dressed in a cerise pink, footless onesie that stops at her ankle exposing her little chubby feet.

I feel myself melt

I feel my breathing quicken

I get to the bottom of the stairs and I enter my brothers bedroom.

The room is clean, the walls are white, and the light seems brighter than usual.

She’s lying on the bed, on top of a cream soft blanket and she continues to babble and wiggle.

My brother is playing his Xbox and I guess is supposed to be watching her for me.

He pauses his game, exits the room and leaves us alone.

I move closer towards her and I see her chubby fingers playing with her chubby feet and my heart beats a little faster.

Her skin, is the same shade of golden honey and softer than velvet

Her baby hair is silky and jet black, and pushed to one side

I look down and lock eyes with my dark brown, doe-eyed girl

She looks about 8months old

And I can’t believe it

I’m looking at my little chunky monkey

She’s looks at me and smiles.

She knows I’m her mummy.

She’s happy to see me but could never know how happy I am to see her.

My heart is beating much faster and I feel myself smiling.

I’m giddy with love.

I’m giddy with excitement

I pick her up and feel the weight of her in my arms.

I can’t take my eyes off her

She is just fantastically beautiful

She smiles her gummy smile and I feel myself melt further and fall deeper in love than I’ve ever felt.

I smell her neck and my head spins. I’m intoxicated by her

I kiss her feet

She giggles and I kiss her feet again

Nothing like kissing a babies foot or hearing a baby laugh.

I’m soaking her up.

She looks like me but I can also see my mum.

I just can’t take my eyes off her

I try my hardest to take in every detail of her

I’m in awe and I don’t want to let her go

I feel joy burst in my heart and I feel peace cover me.

Then I blink and suddenly I’m awake

And just like that she’s gone

She’s drifted away and formed into the words you’re now reading

Then I think…

Will I only see my children in my dreams?

#Stillbirth #Miscarriage #Infertility #Ttc #baby #Love #Grief #MentalHealth #mom #Poem #PostnatalDepression #PregnancyLoss #WritingThroughIt #dreams