postnatal depression

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The sun will follow the rain

Today the veil is lifting.
Fleeting moments of intense optimism and excitement.
I get to see my son get older and wow at how he’ll be.. imagining the conversations we’ll have and looking forward to all the happy memories we’ll make. It feels crazy at how positive I can feel in one moment when yesterday I could barely hold my head up. Feeling opposite ends of the spectrum so intensely within 24hours can’t be “normal” can it? It’s not. I know it’s not. But is this more than depression? Do I maybe have bipolar? I’ve read many account of people who went undiagnosed before.. Is this the bpd that I was diagnosed with in the past? I have found it so so hard to accept that one and I feel so vulnerable writing it down. Just saying depression and anxiety has always been easier.

Anyway. I’m here to say the veil is lifting and remind anyone in a similar situation (specifically my post yesterday) that the veil does lift. It always does. Even though in the moment it feels like it never will.
I’m here to remind myself also that this has just been a very very hard episode and I’ve had these episodes and periods before. It always gets better. The sun will follow the rain ✨

#Depression #RecurrentDepression #ChronicDepression #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #BPDDiagnosis #Hope #thistooshallpass #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #reminders

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Being depressed while being a mum - I just want to be normal and fine

Not wanting to be here.
This being a near constant
An, every other day feeling
What’s the point?
What’s the point of trying to put into words?
So when I’m not here, my son can know..
It was nothing to do with him.
It was everything to do with this plague, this cancer, this curse.
I worry that all my wishings to not be here will actually take me away from him sooner than he can cope. And I can’t bear to think of him suffering because of me. I can’t bear to think of him feeling alone in this world. Wanting me. Wondering.
I am sitting here breastfeeding him. Hating myself for these thoughts. Worrying they are somehow passing onto him. Wanting to stop breastfeeding in every moment, just get him off me for fear of him “picking” this up. Trying to think of other things but these are not just thoughts. This is feeling. This is embodied. Me. I can’t get away from it. Nothing else feels quite as real or familiar anymore. The thought of wanting to put him down upsets me because I know one day we won’t be here. Never being this close to have him feed at my breast and I resent myself for wanting to stop. But my back also hurts and I feel so frustrated!

I hate who I am these days. I hate who I’ve become. Always moaning. Always annoyed. Always on the edge of pissed offness. Always tired. Exhausted. Not wanting to be here. All the time. Can’t be bothered. Don’t care. Caring too much. I don’t know. Doubting myself. Criticising myself. Criticising others. Tired. So tired. Always tired. Feeling weak. Pathetic. Miserable. Then, when I have come away from being with others, how fake I feel. They see the best mum ever. They see a positive, inspiring, encouraging, nurturing, caring friend. They see lovely, so lovely, so kind, considerate and thoughtful. Because I am. I know I am those things aswell but I feel like that’s me only 20% of the time now.

With my son I know I am so patient, kind, loving, nurturing, everything good in me most of the time. It’s as soon as he goes down for a nap and I curl up on the sofa I let a little bit of the heaviness out. Within minutes of my partner being home and having a go at him because I am genuinely so irritated. I sit on the floor and play with my son and I’m only physically there. Inside I am sad. I stare at his face and feel a sense of wonder. I watch him and feel awe. He comes over to me and I feel love. This is why I could watch him all day. This is why I record him so much. Because he is the only thing I feel genuine joy at these days. So why do I feel so bad when I am with him all day and I do get to watch him all day. Because of me and my lack of energy and my moods and how I FEEL inside. Having to do housework. Having to leave the house. Having to do things just feels like such an inconvininece to me all of the time.

This is obviously severe/chronic depression and in some ways I think I accept it but for the most part I don’t and can’t. It feels too unfair and I don’t want to accept this is my reality and will be my reality for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to take a hundred supplements a day and be radical in getting exercise and diet just to maintain a balanced-ish way of being. I just want to be normal and fine.

#Depression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #motherood #MentalHealth #Breastfeeding #Trapped #Parentingwithdepression #overwhelmed #SuicideIdeation #fedup #sad #melancholy

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A common type of depression no one is talking about...

Have you heard of perinatal depression? It's more common than you would think!

Pregnancy is often thought to be one of the happiest time's in someone's life but that is just not true. A lot of people have very rough, unpleasant, or even dangerous pregnancies.

Many suffer from depression before, during, and/or after pregnancy and it's definitely something we need to know more about.

Today's podcast guest, Gemma Baxter shares her experience with perinatal depression during her pregnancies and how she was able to treat it.

Please share this episode because this is something that needs to be made aware of!

88. How to Identify & Treat Perinatal Depression - AccordingtoDes

#Pregnancy #prenataldepression #perinataldepression #PostnatalDepression #Depression #MentalHealthAwareness

88. How to Identify & Treat Perinatal Depression - AccordingtoDes

Hello and welcome to my podcast, The Wellness Project with Des. On today’s episode I speak with Gemma Baxter about her battle with pre and post-natal depression. I’m Desiree, a Mental Health Therapist that is passionate about helping people improve their mental health and live a healthy and fulfilled life. One way I do this is by […]

Post Natal Depression at 18! Part 2 #Depression #PostnatalDepression #Part2 #Newmum #young #mystory

She took me for some food as I knew I wouldn't be able to eat once we got to the hospital. I rang the hospital at 6pm who told me to come in as they were too close together, I went to the hospital, at 4:25 am on little peanuts due date he was born at a 8lb.

The first 4 weeks of him being born was difficult, I lost a lot of weight (even though I didn't gain much during the pregnancy) I had mood swings, too emotional, too tired, I gave up college to be at home with him as I was still getting use to being a mum and getting into a routine. Little peanut was very clingy, hated being put down in a crib or moses basket, being sick after every bottle, constipation and it turned out he hated night times! Being miles from my family and not having support around me made it very difficult to cope with.

At 4 weeks old, I was alone, trying my hardest but it didn't seem good enough, I was stressed out to the max, I had enough, I went to the doctors and they diagnosed me with post natal depression, I was relieved! I wasn't going mad, and it wasn't my fault and to be honest I was doing fine being a young mum but my mind was playing tricks on me. I got the help I needed and moved out to live with my mum and dad for help. After moving in with my mum and dad I started getting back to being me, and sorting myself out. I learnt to cope with my depression by allowing myself breaks! I know it sounds silly to others but having a very clingy baby who wouldn't let you have a shower for 2 minutes or eat a full meal without crying it's hard.
I still had depression and medication but I was starting to feel like myself again, I was able to be me finally! I was still going through complications in my life and events but having a mental health problem you have to think about you and your little one.

For more blogs please go to


Post Natal Depression at 18! Part 1 #Depression #PostnatalDepression #Newmum #Part1 #young

After weeks of thinking I was losing it, being too emotional, trying to cope the best I can and all the tiredness, they finally gave me a term for what I was going through, 'Post Natal Depression.' I can say I've never been so relieved to hear the words, I thought it was just me, but I found out I wasn't alone.
I was in college getting my diploma in Arts, ICT and Design when I found out I was pregnant at 17, I was happy and hopeful but nothing prepared me for the things to come with pregnancy, birth and being a young mum.
Finding out I was pregnant at 17 was a big worry, I didn't find out in the best way I was pregnant and was worried about my families reaction. I found out after being really ill after having the implant (contraception) put in my arm. I was sick, headaches, sleepy, couldn't eat much and just felt.... BLAH! Finally made it to the doctors after 2 weeks, they told me to pee in a cup, didn't tell me why, it didn't really run through my mind the reason why and boom, they told me I was pregnant, I cried.. alot. The doctors were shocked at the fact I was pregnant with an implant in and didn't know what to do. Eventually they removed the implant and sent me straight to the hospital to have a scan for any complications.
I saw my little peanut and knew I wanted to keep the baby, they told me I was 8 weeks pregnant and had no complications... Until later on.
At 11 weeks my belly grew and I couldn't hide it anymore from college, family or friends. A lot of questions were asked seem as I went from being a stick to having a bit of a belly so I announced the pregnancy.
At 20 weeks I found out I was having a boy! I was so excited! I could finally start getting ready for my little peanut.
At 34 weeks I went into slow labour, this is where it got complicated. Every week from now on I was admitted to hospital due to contractions and extreme cramps, the contractions would eventually stop after 4-5 hours. Nothing was done to stop them as I wasn't dilating enough. More and more problems started, My belly was way too big for a tiny, skinny girl to carry around, I had a lot of back ache, leg pain and comments towards me, which made me feel uncomfortable, upset and my mood was down.
At 36 weeks, I had another scan to see how things were going, my little peanut was not so little anymore, I was shocked, how could I carry him to full term? Look at the size of him?
The day before his due date I went into labour at 7am, I was scared, excited, I didn't know what was going to happen, no-one prepared me for this. I rang my mum who was 2 hours away and said 'this is it', she rushed to my house and said 'Yep this is it, try and stay at home as long as you can cause once your in hospital that's it!' She took me round Sainsbury's in full blown contractions mode to get me walking as much as I could, this was embarrassing having contractions in Sainsbury's with people staring at me and timing the contractions, I gave up and told her we needed to go....

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Different Reasons for Being Apathetic

What Kind of Apathy Do You Have?

It occurred to me that there are many causes for apathy, so I thought I would explore them here. If you think of any that I have not listed, please share!

Apathy from a HEALTH ISSUE, as a symptom (depression, Huntington’s, Parkinson’s, schizophrenia, stroke, dementias, etc…)

Apathy from a MEDICATION, as a side-effect (antidepressants, antipsychotics, and more…)

Apathy from a BELIEF that everything is pointless because nothing matters OR because you will never be able to improve your situation

Apathy from FEAR that there is no way out of your situation OR that you don’t deserve anything better OR that attempts to improve it will only make it worse

Apathy from AVOIDANCE of a painful or toxic situation

Apathy from chronic FATIGUE, because you just cannot find the energy to do anything

#apathy #BipolarDepression #Depression #ChronicDepression #MajorDepression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #SeasonalDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Fibromyalgia #Stroke #Dementia #hopelessness #Fatigue


My prize

About two years ago, I decided that my life was stalled due to fear of truly living. I decided that I want to break free of my fears and truly live my life. So I’m now married and as a consolation prize for truly living, I was awarded a miscarriage. 15 horrible weeks a pregnancy and a little life ended.

I think I was better off being afraid. I wasn’t missing anything. Any joy I had has been completely overwritten by this loss. I was so much better off not experiencing this loss. This loss makes me regret my own life. This is a nightmare that I can’t escape.

#Depression #Miscarriage #uncontroledtears #inconsolable #Anxiety #Grief #angry #PostnatalDepression

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Lows of life #PostnatalDepression #Depression

I don’t even know where to start... it’s like I had almost forgotten the feeling of the lowest of lows.. Firstly I am high functioning so it doesn’t affect the important things in my life which I will be forever grateful for but it doesn’t make the emotional pain any less physical if that makes sense. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I haven’t had time to process anything so everything keeps piling on top and getting worse.. when my boy was born.. I had zero help as in my ex partner didn’t really play a part in anything and it was sooo hard... I sunk to such a low and the thoughts were insane... I was defiantly suffering from post natal but I survived... fast forward almost 4 years later and I feel as if it has been triggered all over again.. the first problem was meeting up with my ex in order for him to develop a bond with our child... that went pear shape really bloody quick but that was all fine I was working on processing how I felt about it all and what my step would be... however before I was able to sift through that experience.. my uncle passed away which simply brought on a lot of pain and weirdness within my family I still don’t know how to deal with... on top of all that my son is being told to sleep at daycare by his teachers... which would be fine BUT he won’t sleep at night which requires me up all hours of the night and one of my vulnerabilities is lack of sleep... and since it’s just me working hard for a routine that use to occur but isn’t anymore.. I feel all that hopeless emotions and depression all over again like I did when he was a baby.. My pain I deal with by stating to myself the impermanence of life and situations and emotions and also letting go of the expectations I have of any given situation which seems to help me but I dunno what else I can do apart from simply surviving

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Working from home & balancing a relationship

I’m working from home and likely to be for another 12 months! My Daughter has just started school and my Partner is home full time as she suffers with a #ChronicIllness and has previously had #PostnatalDepression & #Depression & #Anxiety

I’m sure after the crazy year everyone’s had there’s some wise and wonderful people out there that are working from home & can help with some advice on how to balance work & life because at the moment it feels like every time I open my mouth I’m doing something wrong! Feels like we’re seeing more of each other then ever but are pushing each other away with petty daily arguments! #help

#Relationships #worklifebalance #Depression #Anxiety


There is life after fundamentalism I'm only really beginning to understand that now after years of therapy, counselling, reflection but those of us who grew up in fundamentalism faiths it was our whole world, our introduction to life, it gave us a rigid set of rules by which to abide. There is a sense of comfort in that. For those of us who leave, we lose that sense of security. We have to challenge everything that we have ever been taught, everything that we have learned. The entire lens through which we view the world shatters like glass.

5 years ago I had postpartum depression. PPD is not easy to contend with in normal circumstances but in a fundamentalist religious context, experiencing a mental illness of any kind is devastating. When I first started to talk about some of the symptoms I was experiencing and how I was feeling, rather than being met with understanding with support I was met with entirely the opposite. I was shamed, I was gaslit, I was told to stay silent I was shunned by my own family.

This led me down some very dark paths. I became suicidal. I believed I was bad because I had been told I was selfish, I needed to pray more, and draw closer to God, this was why I was ill. I went even deeper into a dark place of depression all my self-esteem was gone, the pain was so heavy.

I married outside of fundamentalism and my husband had seen postnatal depression before. He stood alongside me and without pushing me, when I was ready, supported me to go and see a doctor and begin the long process of treatment.

Over 2 years ago now I made the very difficult decision to say goodbye to my family to cut ties completely. the guilt that I live with impossible to describe each day I feel bad for what I did. Society really values familial relationships and particularly places the maternal role in a place of reverence. To break with one family therefore is something that's stigmatised sometimes in society. However, if a relationship is deeply toxic and damaging you have to walk away. You have to honour and protect yourself .

So here I am five years on from my shunning. Still living with mental illness , depression, anxiety, PTSD, but still here. I'm so thankful to have survived and had the courage to walk away.

And yes, there is life after fundamentalism. #PostnatalDepression #PTSD #fundamentalism #cultsurvivor

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