Lately I feel like Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde/Dr Jekyll on Speed. And it just seems to keep going… like I’m so tired of not knowing how I’m going to feel when I wake up. What do you do when you start to become a stranger to yourself?
It’s not “supposed” to go like this, I’ve done all the studying and the extra reading and the research and this is not what I signed up (ok I didn’t sign on for any of it but still). Isn’t it supposed to be short periods of altered moods with periods of “normal” moods in between.
So why the f*ck have I felt amazing, terrible, amazingly-terrible multiple times throughout the last few days? Am I now having rapid cycling mixed episodes because that basically an urban legend making it incredibly difficult to treat.
I hate this illness and what it’s robbed me of. I feel so helpless because I don’t know anyone who’s been through this type of Bipolar Disorder to ask them how to cope.
I’m filled with shame- ashamed I can’t just “push past it” like I’ve been able to at most other time in my life, ashamed of how much I’ve lost, and really deeply ashamed of how sometimes I feel like I have to fight to adjust my perspective and still be able to care, either more or less, about things or people.
After years of being dismissed, I once had someone who was trying to be supportive and understanding say to me “I think I get it now- I just have to remind myself it’s like you have cancer, you can’t help it and didn’t ask for it”.
Except, it’s not cancer. I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer bc cancer is a completely different illness. But it was the only thing the person could relate it to bc since mental health is so taboo, stigmatized, and barely understood. You can’t “see” it, so it either must not be there or must not be serious.
I think my mood started to lift after having surgery because there were visible scars. For the first time, I had people ask me how I was was doing, how I was feeling, if I needed something- showing genuine concern without the undercurrent of annoyance or feeling like the help is unwarranted, that I’m underserving, a burden.
I feel like I wake up everyday fighting an invisible battle, and not able to identify my comrades in arms because we fly no flags.
#Bipolar1 #invisiblebattle #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #BingeEatingDisorder #VNS
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