wastedtime

So it finally just hit me like a tonne of bricks and has suck I’m that I will NEVER BE HIS PRIORITY!
His cars and every other cunt out there are his priorities. I’ve been by his side for 30 fucking years and I still can’t be said to be a priority.
He can plan a weekend away (and take annual leave) in the drop of a hat but can’t organise or get leave to take me on a fucking weekend away. NEVER EVER EVER🤬😭😭
I’ve just realised that it’s never gonna change so why the fuck I even here?! I don’t want my kids having a broken home. I love him so so fucking much!😭😭
WHY THE FUCK CANT I BE HIS PRIORITY!!!! God damn even just one time. We’ve been one time and only bc I PAID FOR IT ALL!!
He only agreed to come bc I told him I’d go without him. Basically he went out of obligation….not bc he wanted to be with me. Fuck I just want a few days; is that too much to fucking ask😩😭.
He’s left me behind all these years and goes and does whatever the fuck he wants but can’t commit to a few days away with me….ME the stupid cunt that’s had his back and loved, cared and looked after him for all these years. Now the kids are grown id always thought that this was when I’d get MY TIME with HIM!
I’ve literally waited all these years believing that when the kids were grown I’d finally have my time with him. Well it turns out I’m just a dumb cunt bc I’ve been waiting for absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.
I literally can’t put into words how sad this has made me and honestly if it’s not gonna happen now then I need to have a serious think about a lot of things. I’m so fucking hurt I feel destroyed and hopeless.
I’m fucking heartbroken

When I figured out I was asexual, it was one of the most complicated events I’ve ever experienced. Especially because I had to explain how I felt to someone I loved— and I didn’t have a word for it back then. It was just, “something’s wrong with me... it’s not you it’s me, I promise... I don’t want to lie to you because I care about you.” He couldn’t pretend it had never happened, like I hoped he could but knew he couldn’t. It destroyed the best friendship I’ve ever had.
It took me awhile to forgive myself for hurting my best friend before we’d even called ourselves bf/gf. But it was 5 years before we got closure on the split. I learned he’d been in a couple of relationships, after his injured self esteem recovered. He learned I’d tried a few things with a few other people and still not had a sexual epiphany—I was still single and loving it. He finally could rest assured that he hadn’t been a bad partner or done anything wrong. And I could finally rest knowing he had been able to move on and I hadn’t ruined somebody’s whole life and self image (albeit I’d ruined 2 years). I felt so relieved after that, and I finally was proud to be asexual. After all, I don’t have to worry about the myriad complications with sexual/romantic relationships (no need to detail here). I don’t have to feel pressured to meet anyone else’s beauty standards but my own. I don’t have to share my body with anyone else.
But today when I heard from this now distant friend again, I realize I still miss us. We had everything in common, except sexuality. Today I wish I wasn’t asexual. I think about how happy and fulfilling our life together could have been—how I would’ve pursued my passions (music and environmentalism) because I had someone to pursue them with, how I wouldn’t have ended up throwing away my musical talents to try and do something more financially successful (I’m not financially successful btw). I’m feeling like I’m wasting what God gave me, like I should share me with someone else because I have something to offer, but I’m selfishly keeping it to myself. (I guess I’m fairly attractive as I’m complimented and flirted with somewhat often). If I could tolerate, let alone enjoy, intimacy and intercourse, my old friend would have been the one. I’d be able to give my mom grandkids. I know she wants them really bad. I push the guilt to the back of my mind but it’s not erased.
Today I feel like I’m wasting my life and I’ve thrown away my potential. Feeling guilty for being how I am and for what I’ve done with this precious decade. Normally I say I’m better off this way, but today I wish I wasn’t an asexual recluse.
#Asexuality #Guilt #Lowmood #issues #AspergersSyndrome #Autism #wastedtime #confused #lonely #Selfblame #Selfacceptance #socialdistance