wastedtime

When I figured out I was asexual, it was one of the most complicated events I’ve ever experienced. Especially because I had to explain how I felt to someone I loved— and I didn’t have a word for it back then. It was just, “something’s wrong with me... it’s not you it’s me, I promise... I don’t want to lie to you because I care about you.” He couldn’t pretend it had never happened, like I hoped he could but knew he couldn’t. It destroyed the best friendship I’ve ever had.
It took me awhile to forgive myself for hurting my best friend before we’d even called ourselves bf/gf. But it was 5 years before we got closure on the split. I learned he’d been in a couple of relationships, after his injured self esteem recovered. He learned I’d tried a few things with a few other people and still not had a sexual epiphany—I was still single and loving it. He finally could rest assured that he hadn’t been a bad partner or done anything wrong. And I could finally rest knowing he had been able to move on and I hadn’t ruined somebody’s whole life and self image (albeit I’d ruined 2 years). I felt so relieved after that, and I finally was proud to be asexual. After all, I don’t have to worry about the myriad complications with sexual/romantic relationships (no need to detail here). I don’t have to feel pressured to meet anyone else’s beauty standards but my own. I don’t have to share my body with anyone else.
But today when I heard from this now distant friend again, I realize I still miss us. We had everything in common, except sexuality. Today I wish I wasn’t asexual. I think about how happy and fulfilling our life together could have been—how I would’ve pursued my passions (music and environmentalism) because I had someone to pursue them with, how I wouldn’t have ended up throwing away my musical talents to try and do something more financially successful (I’m not financially successful btw). I’m feeling like I’m wasting what God gave me, like I should share me with someone else because I have something to offer, but I’m selfishly keeping it to myself. (I guess I’m fairly attractive as I’m complimented and flirted with somewhat often). If I could tolerate, let alone enjoy, intimacy and intercourse, my old friend would have been the one. I’d be able to give my mom grandkids. I know she wants them really bad. I push the guilt to the back of my mind but it’s not erased.
Today I feel like I’m wasting my life and I’ve thrown away my potential. Feeling guilty for being how I am and for what I’ve done with this precious decade. Normally I say I’m better off this way, but today I wish I wasn’t an asexual recluse.
#Asexuality #Guilt #Lowmood #issues #AspergersSyndrome #Autism #wastedtime #confused #lonely #Selfblame #Selfacceptance #socialdistance

When Time betrayed me

And Youth died too young

Then did my body soon abandon me

And took with Her Freedom and Fun

I know it’s my fault now

I cheated her first

I took her for granted and canceled our plans

I forgot to reschedule

And prioritized first other petty demands

So when Time had enough of me

So fearful, so lazy

So Unaccepting of Reality

I should have seen it coming

She’s a strong Ally

Until she’s caught you by the throat

She’ll hold you by the neck and release her daughters on you like dogs

And they’ll bite and they’ll banter you until all hope is gone

Future, Time’s eldest daughter

I once trusted her so

But she misled me

I know now she did so purposefully

She became an ominous thundering cloud

And Time’s youngest,

Past, why did I view her as a silly child

A nuisance, a cage of responsibility

I used to hate to babysit her then

But looking back, I see

She was always my truest friend and

When we talk now it’s just not the same

Now she is passive aggressive, covert

She likes to remind me that that is why Future turned her back on me too

She said

“You never mess with family

Or take those bonds for granted”

For Time and her Children

Most ill-used and abused of women

Become together, most formidable of foes

And Though only two I have mentioned so far

It’s because

The third, her middle child

Bullies me most overtly of all

She always had, always has, from her I was always running away

And in doing so misused Time, Past, and Future

I see now I was the first Betrayer

But Present has no mercy, no foresight or patience for revenge

Nor does she wield Echoes, Regrets

No neither she chooses for weapons

Her very presence is punishment

She is purgatory and jail time and stage four cancer

She is Used To Be and Eventually

Could Have Been and Never

She wears Desire in her hair and paints Ghosts on her eyelids

She wears Repercussions around her neck and sprays Dread on her wrists

There’s no way to make peace with Time when she’s had enough of your idleness

A lack of gratitude is her greatest trigger

And when her finger moves against you

Her three children make you wish you had never taken her for granted before, now or ever.

#MentalHealth #timelost #wastedtime #Depression #numb