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Pandemic hair and I don't care!

It's been about a year and a half since my last cut- longest my hair has been since 1983- no color, the real me revealed- not sure how much longer I can go before I am too hot and uncomfortable! #socialdistance !


I generally like being a loner but today it makes me sad

When I figured out I was asexual, it was one of the most complicated events I’ve ever experienced. Especially because I had to explain how I felt to someone I loved— and I didn’t have a word for it back then. It was just, “something’s wrong with me... it’s not you it’s me, I promise... I don’t want to lie to you because I care about you.” He couldn’t pretend it had never happened, like I hoped he could but knew he couldn’t. It destroyed the best friendship I’ve ever had.
It took me awhile to forgive myself for hurting my best friend before we’d even called ourselves bf/gf. But it was 5 years before we got closure on the split. I learned he’d been in a couple of relationships, after his injured self esteem recovered. He learned I’d tried a few things with a few other people and still not had a sexual epiphany—I was still single and loving it. He finally could rest assured that he hadn’t been a bad partner or done anything wrong. And I could finally rest knowing he had been able to move on and I hadn’t ruined somebody’s whole life and self image (albeit I’d ruined 2 years). I felt so relieved after that, and I finally was proud to be asexual. After all, I don’t have to worry about the myriad complications with sexual/romantic relationships (no need to detail here). I don’t have to feel pressured to meet anyone else’s beauty standards but my own. I don’t have to share my body with anyone else.
But today when I heard from this now distant friend again, I realize I still miss us. We had everything in common, except sexuality. Today I wish I wasn’t asexual. I think about how happy and fulfilling our life together could have been—how I would’ve pursued my passions (music and environmentalism) because I had someone to pursue them with, how I wouldn’t have ended up throwing away my musical talents to try and do something more financially successful (I’m not financially successful btw). I’m feeling like I’m wasting what God gave me, like I should share me with someone else because I have something to offer, but I’m selfishly keeping it to myself. (I guess I’m fairly attractive as I’m complimented and flirted with somewhat often). If I could tolerate, let alone enjoy, intimacy and intercourse, my old friend would have been the one. I’d be able to give my mom grandkids. I know she wants them really bad. I push the guilt to the back of my mind but it’s not erased.
Today I feel like I’m wasting my life and I’ve thrown away my potential. Feeling guilty for being how I am and for what I’ve done with this precious decade. Normally I say I’m better off this way, but today I wish I wasn’t an asexual recluse.
#Asexuality #Guilt #Lowmood #issues #AspergersSyndrome #Autism #wastedtime #confused #lonely #Selfblame #Selfacceptance #socialdistance

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Stop & smell the flowers

Yeah, I know it's hard to appreciate the little things in life right now & since I was feeling cooped up today, I took the dog on a safe, #socialdistance walk around our ghost of a town. It's a tourist based community so this #pandemic2020 has really hurt our local economy. Practically every business has closed, some has found alternative ways to do business & the restaurants are doing to go only, so we're adjusting. These flowers blooming throughout town reminded me that life still goes on & we'll get through this. Things may look very different when we get to the other side but that's okay. I'm okay, my family is okay & life goes on...

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It's one of those days. #Migraine #ChronicMigraines

Can someone switch of the sun and my kids and the dog, or better yet, my head..
I'm on my phone trying to distract myself. There's no going to bed with a 7 and 3 yo at home and husband at work. No family or friends to call to help out because of #socialdistance #COVID19. My eyes are burning, something is crushing my skull from the inside out, I need to pee every 5 minutes and my kids giggling sounds like they turned up the volume to 1000.. I've been a grumpy, mean hag so day to them. Is it tomorrow yet..


Social distancing from the fridge #COVID19

Dear people who really don’t care what I have to say but will probably read this cause it’s amusing,
I seem to be struggling with this idea of social distancing, not because I don’t believe that this is a horrible and vicious pandemic. But because I had just started to bloom, like a seed in winter waiting for sunlight and a chance. You see, I already deal with anxiety. I was already afraid of driving to a store or a restaurant. To meet a friend for coffee or let our young children play. The winter was wet so I didn’t really drive much anyways but I could bring the stroller to the mall. I’m envious of a time when I could even bring my son on a leisurely trip to the food store, without it being a rationed and deemed essential. My son doesn’t get his services now, so naturally I have to become a teacher in 3 different fields of Child development. Along with my regular house hold chores I now am finding time to organize cabinets and constantly pace. My skin picking is back, that’s always fun. I’m constantly finding myself in front of the fridge cause let’s face it , I am bored. Some days I have motivation and tackle projects and other days I eat two ice cream cones in a sitting. My relationship with my spouse is not the dream I envisioned or the promises he made. I am a Queen in my home but not because I have respect, but because I literally do everything. I shop and prepare, clean and organize, educate and raise a child. I pay the majority of the bills and manage the savings accounts and credit cards and insurances. This is called a mental load... and my spouse seems to think it’s okay that he doesn’t partake in any of it. “He works 40-55 hours a week” - yes but how many hours of work do I put in a day / week that helps make everything run? I never get a break. I do not get to sleep till noon. I barely get to partake in therapy or any medical care for myself. I should be happy though? He took out the trash!! Honestly I don’t understand why he think doing the bare minimum is okay. He is considered an essential employee as he is a factory worker and people need his products. Yet I have to stay home and quarantine. And before you jump down my throat, I don’t mind staying home. I have food and my stuff and internet is here. What I mind is being told I can’t go out and socialize. Literally I had just started to drive places by myself with my toddler and do stuff with people. But now it’s April and we cannot leave the house. I’m running out of things to do around the house. My toddler is wonderful but he cannot hold an in-depth conversation. My spouse is working and when he’s not he’s sleeping. I’m lonely. #lonely #COVID19 #socialdistance #Anxiety


Hope they understand #Depression #Anxiety #socialdistance

My whole life I've practice social distancing without even knowing it. The feeling of being trap and alone was one I could never explain to the people who "loved me." I hope they now somewhat understand how I've always felt.

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#DistractMe hello depression?

I've been isolated for about two weeks now, and I'm starting to feel like I did back in high school. Hello #Depression . Usually I'm much more of an #Anxiety person. Today I'm blah, very disconnected, don't care about grading papers, don't care about cooking food, dont care about Netflix or my book. My biggest emotion is *shrug*.
Ah, here's the old anxiety back: if I get depressed and suicidal, do I go to the ER during the #COVID19 outbreak here? Do I invite a friend to stay with me while #socialdistance is so important? My whole suicide saftey plan goes down the drain! Oh no!


Rise Above Quarentine #socialdistance #Bipolar #Mania

2 weeks ago I contacted my school and they told me they couldn't use me and would contact me when they could again. I had recently moved to a substitute position for several schools and unemployment is not an option for me. Can you say stressful??

On top of that, my Dad recently has been in the hospital battling fluid on his lungs and pneumonia that will take months to heal up. And now since I've been laid off I'm his caretaker so my mom can work. Yes you heard me right, LUNG problems... So now he's at huge risk of corona.... Can you say STRESSFUL??

I'm finding myself struggling with thoughts... How will I afford rent? What if I pick up covid at the grocery store and bring it back to my Dad? Will my job be needing me before next school year? What if I go completely manic and my mom is forced to stay home from work and take care of my Dad?

Its all way too much for one mind to bear... But I look around in the only way I can right now, online, and I see other brothers and sisters just like me who are RISING ABOVE their symptoms and surviving this time of uncertainty! And right now, my job is keeping my dad safe and away from more surgery. But my job is to also be intentional about keeping my mind occupied and keep my sleeping/eating schedule the same so that I can function as my best self.

Anyways, sorry.... End rant!!! Keep your beautiful chins up my friends!! Mental health disaster or not, we so got this!!! 💪💪💪💙💙💙


#quarantine Birthday

some one else is living this too?
usually my birthday its a hard day for me, I battle between the feeling of being lost, forgotten and lonely , and the attention, celebration and people expecting me to be happy.
but this time add to the list that I'm far from some of my near family, and this isolation had me thinking about death of my family and friends.
I don't know how I feel, just that I couldn't sleep yesterday and I didn't want to wake up today. But I'm grateful, because I'm breathing, because I have a support circle of lovely people who cares about my health. Well if there is someone else going through some feelings like this, you are not alone. social distancing is difficult but we can keep connection with others, and that its it's great, Its something just our generation had. love and hugs! #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Isolation #socialdistance


How Long??

I know the importance of social distancing. But for how long can I stand this??? I don’t want it to last for a long time. I don’t know if I can handle it. ##socialdistance #Loneliness #hopeless