a

I feel like I am erasing away. Wishing away and washing away. Grain of sand, one by one. I lay here and feel as if I am melting away. Like sand in the sun, falling through my hands like hot lava. One by one. I look around each day, every day, and see all these people. They seem so happy but it's obvious they're not. They just want others to think they are. They just want to believe they are. This world makes me feel so alone.

Sometimes I don't have these exact feelings. But it's not because I don't feel them but because I block them with productivity. When I pause to look around at the world, I feel like I'm in a virtual reality. It seems like all of us are lost. Every single one of us. And we just try to get back by validation, distraction, or by pushing ourselves to find some outer purpose. But what if there is no purpose? What if there is no meaning? That keeps me up at night. It makes me feel so alone in this world. I feel so alone in this world.

I see everyone clearly entrenched within themselves. We all seem just like tiny children with tiny hands reaching out for something. Through likes on social media, broken relationships with reflections of ourselves, or daydreams of a better life. Through our search for wealth, our search for others, or our search for ourselves. It all seems to simply be our constant need for coping.

I see day by day go and I feel lonely. No matter the company, no matter the smiles towards me. I feel empty. Because no matter what accomplishments, what embraces, no matter how many I love you's, it all feels empty. Temporary. And it is temporary. And that makes it even harder to cope with. So I accept the temporary with gratitude because it's all I can do. And while that temporarily soothes the anxiety...it breeds the loneliness even more. Because what and how can such loneliness in this universe calm a heart?

We wake up, chase the next thing, search for outer meaning and validation, and repeat. How have we come so far to achieve so little? To be such a robotic existence fed on sex, technology, vanity, and loneliness. Some of us with pure hearts try to find freedom in the pleasurable feeling of helping others. But because we're trying to simply fill the void within us. We desire to help others not have to feel what we feel.

But in the end, no matter the helping hand, no matter the consistent desperation to help heal the earth, with our humanitarian hearts, we end up being nothing but a breeding virus. We want to believe we have a purpose here. We want to believe we are here to heal. But we're … selfish. Blinded. And if we aren't... we can't help but to be. It feels purposeless to find this continuous purpose in nothingness. And if we, if I, stop to breathe and be in the present... the mind doesn't stop racing even if I let go. The world doesn't stop turning.

It feels like a whirlpool that is drifting me under and tearing me asunder. It feels like a constant thunderstorm. It may leave within me for years but it finds its way back. I tell myself that is okay because it, because life, is forever changing. But to never be able to grasp the true, cold, hard reality that we are truly alone. That there is no meaning. May calm for a minute or even a day or weeks or years for the lucky ones... but it doesn't erase the truth. What am I doing here, how am I supposed to survive, it feels like I am living on repeat and have been here before. It feels like I have walked this earth too many times before.

I try to enjoy the plants, the leaves, the trees, and the air but not even she can breathe life into me. It feels like an unending, anxious race that I cannot escape. So all I can do is trek forward. Enjoy the small moments even though I know they are just moments. I keep trying to enjoy those pauses... they bring light but it feels like I am wearing a facade. I know I am thinking too much but it is this feeling that keeps me up at night. What am I not understanding?

I am not stupid. I am not naive. I am... but not too innocent. Am I too intelligent even? Or am I just built a little broken this way? Do I live in or do I pause my life? I accept not having the answers but its hard to just live this existence on repeat when it all feels too familiar. When it all feels like a cycle that goes on and on and everyone else and everything else is so entrenched within themselves. And while they are so within themselves, I feel so alone.

Everyone else doesn't seem to feel what I feel. Or if they do, I wish I could sense this more within them. Maybe we are not meant to feel this way or ignore if we do. Do I? It feels like … being the only one in the entire universe. I have never seemed to be able to feel whole. No matter the art that touches my life, the love that shows me soul, the solitude I hold for me within myself. I am always grateful to breathe but...It never ceases this feeling. It has simply been since birth.

#depression #a nxiety #existential #philosophy #existentialthoughts

Today is the letter A my self care idea is ART feeling a bit crappy today but I know doing something for me is needed. Struggling with my symptoms today mentally and physically. But I’m determined to do something positive. Let’s see your letter A ideas today.

A sense of peace