abandoment

This morning I think I had a manic episode even though I am not diagnosed with BPD I talked to someone I'm close to because she witnessed it who is bipolar and she said it looked exactly like one. I'm scared you guys. Right after the episode, I found out my therapist who is the first man I have ever trusted 100% is leaving. He said he'd be here for me and he wouldn't abandon me. They always leave. I am shattered. #BPD #scared #abandoment

I had a dream last night. Two actually. About my therapist. To give some context: She’s nearing retirement in a couple of years. So she says. Although I have an asinine fear she’s going to leave prematurely. We’ve been seeing each other for 4 nearly 5 years. Weekly.
She’s a female. Obviously. As am I. I’m 32. Straight (for the most part).
Yet last night, my first dream was about a sexual relationship with her. We went out. Drinking. Then one thing led to another.
I woke up from that dream. Confused. Anxious. Fell back asleep. Then had another dream. That she was dropping me as a client because she was starting to see someone else that I knew/that knew me & it would be a conflict of interest. Obviously I know that wouldn’t happen. But I felt like that dream was a preview of her retiring or leaving suddenly or dropping me as a client. My anxiety has been more than extreme today.
I saw her this evening and I let her know the context of the second dream. Not the first. Although she gently pushed for information about the first. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her for fear that she would think that I was either A.) insane. B.) obsessed w her. C.) I projecting my ‘true’ feelings and it was coming out in a dream.

Regardless. I feel insane. I feel out of my mind. I feel like my anxiety will not subside.

I also know, the day I have to stop seeing her as my therapist, is the day my life completely spins out of control.

I don’t know what to do. #Therapist #dreams #confused #abandoment #help

Do you think it takes longer to get over heartbreak when you have a mental illness, especially if you have abandonment and rejection issues? Probably answered the question myself but would like to know your opinions #abandoment #Rejection

So I messed up with my favourite person. He’s gone. Blocked me told me not to contact him. Oh it hurts, I’m struggling we always talked and now I have no one to understand I feel so lost. I thought because of his background he wouldn’t just go like he has but I was wrong. I pushed him and now I’m back to square one, I thought about death a lot today. My voices have come back telling me no one would miss me, oh how I’m trying to ignore them. Each time they’re getting louder and louder, I can’t keep fighting like this. The battle against light and darkness because darkness will always win in the end. I try not to screw up, I try not to let people down but that’s all I’m good at. I just want this feeling to end.

People don’t die from suicide, they die from sadness. #abandoment #BPD #SuicidalThoughts #Brokenbrain

About a year and a half ago I moved to a new state. I had to start over. It was both refreshing and terrifying. With moving, I had to find new healthcare in all areas. Going to the dentist gives me severe anxiety. I cry when I have to get a cleaning. I was so fortunate to find an amazing dentist who was extremely patient and caring. She was phenomenal. She is leaving this June. Then today, I found out that my psych nurse, who is incredible and perfect for me and my needs, is leaving at the end of this month. This is bringing my anxiety up because I finally found someone who meets my needs and now they are leaving. I’m trying to remain positive but it is just so difficult. Logically I know that there has to be someone out there who can fulfill my needs, but I will be anxious until I find them. I know this is not their intention, but I can help but feel a little abandoned. #anxious #Heathcare #Leaving #abandoment #alone #Anxiety

Every time my partner leaves the house I go into melt down thinking he isn't coming back... any ideas on how to distract myself.