Aloneness

I moved to a new State this year and as more and more of my original plans fell apart so did I. After years of therapy I was diagnosed with BPD and chronic depression. I moved up here with my best friend. Our plan was to be retired together and do fun things. She was addicted to online dating and her reasoning was she was looking for a “companion, best friend and someone to do fun things with”. I truly hoped that I would still be able to do things with her. Then she met someone. The only time I am invited is after the fun things when they are doing nothing. Am I an afterthought? Mmhm.

Recently I angered a friend I have no idea what I did because it wasn’t intentional and they never brought it directly to my attention but I assumed there as an issue after speaking with a mutual friend and seeing that they had unfollowed me on Twitter we’ve been friends for two years and they’ve never did anything like that I thought maybe it was a mistake but after speaking with a mutual friend whom they also happened to be angry with at the time I pretty much knew it wasn’t.

I have never felt more alone. I do not have any friends I generally feel I can share myself with or be around or feel comforted by just by being around them and they were one of them. They’re very close to the mutual friend they’re inseparable so really I had felt I had lost two friends cause they’ve been friends Ionger and they’re much closer

I feel like I have no one. I don’t have any traditional family members I can reach out to. I don’t even have any family members I can reach out to I never felt this alone not for a long time. I dont know who to to turn and I don’t know how I’m expected to survive like this.

I’m beginning to split and feel there is no one in this world who cares for me or will ever make me feel shown again and I know I have to love myself but it’s impossible if you feel no love coming your way. I feel so alone.