I live in the state of Michigan, where covid regulations have basically been lifted. I'm fully vaccinated, and I'm excited to see things coming back to normal in a sense. Amid all of this excitement and ability to safely go out and see friends and family, I didn't expect something else to creep up on me; my anxiety.
I have a history with my personal anxiety, specifically displaying itself before and during performances (I'm a music major), or times of stress. Before covid, I thrived and loved to be around people, in busy places, and surrounded by excitement. I didn't expect a quality I love so much about myself to change.
Today, I traveled to see my mother, who was visiting the state after moving to Pennsylvania. We went to a lovely restaurant, and I was so excited to see my mother, step-father, and two brothers. Everything was great, until I could start to feel that little bit of anxiety in my stomach start to kick in. I've never felt anxiety in such a public space before. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom for over 30 minutes having a panic attack.
I found myself to be so incredibly frustrated. Why should a nice time with my family, doing something fun and something we're allowed to do cause me to panic? As I was driving home (after taking ample time to calm down before driving) I came to realize that what I feared was true. Being in open spaces, seeing people start to do more normal activities was subconsciously bugging me. Interacting with strangers and servers who I can't guarantee are vaccinated gets to me. In a nutshell, it all feels wrong.
I felt sad that I felt like one of my joys in life has become anxiety inducing. But, as I've been writing this, I've realized I have to be patient with myself. Yes, things are starting to come back to normal. But I'm not, and that's okay. It might take me some time to find my joy of interacting and being around other people in busy spaces, or it might not come back at all.
I want to figure out ways to help myself feel I can return to my 'normal' in some kinda way. I wanna figure out ways to go easy on myself if that doesn't come quickly or easily. I'm ready to start some discovery, all to better myself. #Anxiety #collegestudent #postcovid #changes