For years I kept walls that I built because of so much abuse I endured in different ways.
I needed so much time to work on that and it was hell to become vulnerable again. To be open so much like giving someone opportunity to love you or stab your heart.
You need a lot of courage to be that vurnerable towards others. My lecture was that I was always fool in the end with showing my vulnerability and in the end so rejected that I don't have real friends nor any relationships and I can't trust anyone. At the same time I don't know for how long I should "hide" my problems before I open myself. I never get that mindset of hiding things and gradually opening. My ex colleagues told me several times why I say everything in the beginning to others I'm dating. But I can't see a point of not telling it. I am honest and raw. Maybe I don't have social skills because I am autistic and I don't get some things that most people I know do. It doesn't make a sense to me.
There are several situations in which hurt was so big that I decided I'm nobody's fool anymore and even though I respect everyone's freedom to choose to be with me in any kind of -ship or not but I also don't have to suffer others insults, rejections and simmilar.
Now I rather keep distant and inside my high walls than to let anyone to play with my feelings and betray me. Rather suppress my longings to be protected. I betrayed others too and I can't get that time back but I try to be different and I tried to repair damage I did towards others.
In 2023. I started dating one man I fell in love and it was mutual. As I was open from start he knew I suffer from anorexia, he knew my mental health problems, my other problems too. We dated for shorter time and then came time of decision should we step into relationships or go our own ways.
For me it was decision for relationship and for him it was no in the end even though he had romantic feelings for me. He couldn't accept me with anorexia. I was also a risk for him in meaning what if he wants to leave and he feared I'd harm myself because of that because that's his similar experience from past. I started proving myself, justifying. I would never use emotional manipulation.
After our last big talk I realised that at that point I didn't want to be with him despite my deep romantic feelings for him. I was rather finding my wrongs than see that he was one who also has big problems but always my fault.
I was often asked by him how I'm doing and after my answer I would get unsolicited advices and felt like he wants to fix me. I'm not a problem, I am a person who has problems, illnesses and disabilities.
Numerous times I told him to stop giving me unsolicited advices and many things happened. I was cutting him off from time to time from communication as we couldn't be friends, it was dating and going to relationship or going on in life each in their way... but I would in the end always approach him first which would result with frustration and being angry because he hurt me in past and other things repeated and repeated. After being so rejected and hurt only because I was vurnerable, open, with all cards on the table I was the fool. I hate how much he hurt me and how I let this happen.
Recently, I completely, without any bye long stories, cut his off from my life as he wasn't playing any role, no proper communication or anything else. So what is name of that? Probably situationship which has no purpose.
I'm adjusting to the fact that there will never be any change in our -ship and to go on. My hopes will vanish with time, I will endure that even though it hurts. It hurts to be too much, burden, broken, unwanted!
A year before I met that guy, I started to build friendship with one girl. I didn't notice that it wasn't any kind of relationship. I was in one situation last year of almost being homeless, praying for miracle for place to live or going back to my abusive parents. I decided I will go to homeless shelter because I can't stand abuse anymore. I was desperate. She offered to stay at her mother's house for some time. It was offered by her, I didn't ask for it.
Her mother got scared when my "friend" described me to her mother in my diagnoses, just diagnoses. Fabi needs a wheelchair, Fabi is autistic, Fabi has a PTSD, she's disabled.
I was in shock. Like, we knew eachother for few years, we spent time together more or less frequently and she just told her mother my diagnoses, she didn't know to describe me? I was speechless. That gave me an opportunity to question friendships in general and this one which actually never existed. I distanced and I was hurt. I was full of etiquettes by someone who can't say a sentence about me, by someone I thought she is my friend, who spent time with me but she couldn't describe me in any proper sentence. I was shocked by her inability of describing me more than just giving my diagnoses. Her mother was scared and said that I can't stay there. Her mother has stereotype look on autism and PTSD, and when you add a wheelchair you're unacceptable totally.
Also she told me a bit later that she has no capacity for me and doesn't want to talk about anything intimate with me, the message was - "You're too much". She doesn't want to have anything with me. I still question what happened in between because she knew my problems with health and being disabled but then I turned into bunch of etiquettes.
In the meantime I started to date one man and feelings were mutual. I was open again and told him my illnesses, struggles, told him my struggles with suffering and being suicidal. In start he wanted to be with me immediately and I'm not that type of person to just jump into relationship.
Once I noticed he wasn't okay so I asked and he told me that he fears my suicidal thoughts and doesn't sleep for days. I was going back from work like around midnight and I called him. In the end I came to his apartment, hold his hand and was with him so he can sleep. Later therapist told me that I put his needs over mine, blamed myself for something that wasn't my fault. I went straight after hard work to his apartment in 1.a.m. I was beating myself mentally so much. His fears are valid but they come from his unresolved trauma with his mother who tried to take her own life numerous times and he was the one who had to save her. Again I was there with him, offering to stay so he can sleep, go over myself. Shortly after that he said he doesn't want to be in relationship. I told him that he needs therapy for his traumas because he's projecting the same things and told him we will go no contact because I am not a toy. I was hurt and my openes was curse again.
I can't describe my suffering because of that and my hurt for messages I got. Even though I'd like to have friends and be in relationship I realised I'm unlovable and those things won't happen.
I also don't ever want to be hurt again so I am building walls, I know that I will never find someone who would truly love me and I don't need floscules because I know what I was told, what&who I am and no nobody will get a chance to get close to me because they would hurt me. I don't believe in love anymore and I don't trust people anyway. I am on alert about myself so I never allow any closeness.
I'd rather go over my longings and wish to be with someone and have friends than to be betrayed, hurt, rejected or harmed in any way.
I hate that I'm too much, that I'm a risk, that I am unlovable and what others did to me when I was honest, vulnerable and open. I gave three persons to choose to either love me or stab me in the heart after hard work to be open and vulnerable again. They choosed the latter.
I will never again follow any advice to be vulnerable, I may suffer but it's better to suffer from that than to be hurt in such awful ways. I didn't heal from these things and maybe I never will but I learned my lesson.
#WheelchairUser #Disability #AnorexiaNervosa #Depression #vulnerabilitykills #Autism
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