BarelyHangingOn

For quite some time, I have been feeling like the world is rejecting me & doesn’t want me to have a purpose in this world. For Heavens sake I’m 40 years old, when the H** is my life purpose going to go somewhere!! I know I have Screwed up Soooo many times in my life & have blew soooo many opportunities that I unfortunately can’t go back & change, as much as I would love to & would give anything to go back & change things & I Regret it every second of Everyday.

I’m beginning to wonder if there is still any hope to hold onto….Over the last 2 months I have been meeting with my supported employment worker & she is supposed to be helping me work towards becoming a Mental Health Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker but to be quite honest, it’s just not moving fast enough…which is piss poor on her part because she’s supposed to be working on my resume & getting it all set up but Still after Several weeks has yet to finish it so I can start applying to Mental Health agencies to be an Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker.

All the while, I called a woman’s battered shelter & asked to volunteer there to help other women gain stability in there life & mentor & be an advocate for other women who have been in the same situation as me & have suffered trauma. But sadly, I have yet to receive a call back & it’s been over 2 weeks since ive gotten in contact with them inquiring about a volunteer position. I’m to the point of being done waiting because obviously they don’t want me or else I would have received some type of phone call….I can’t express how discouraging all of this is….

It’s like this world has a force against me & doesn’t want me to succeed. Maybe I don’t have a purpose in life. I feel like this is All my life is going to be is a wife & Mother….Not that, that is a bad thing. I Love my Girls More than Anything in this World but I also need to do something for myself that makes me feel good about myself & that will keep my mind busy & improve my mental health & depression & keep me from constantly being in my head & get out of my husband’s hair. I feel like I’m driving him insane & making him miserable. Although he says I’m not…..I wish I could believe that.

#Feelinglost #WhereisMyPurpose #discouraged #BarelyHangingOn #losinghope #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PastRegrets #PTSD #Anxiety

What else do I have to do! Do I need to Scream it from the Mountain Top, Tatoo it to my forehead, Write it in Bold black letters, Engrave it in Stone! 😭😭 When the H** is he going to get the Clue, the Message that’s staring him right in the face!! When is my husband going to Stop being So D** Blind!! I’m DONE wasting my breath!! What part of I NEED MORE LOVE & AFFECTION in my Marriage DOESNT HE GET!!!! If he wants me to Stop thinking & feeling that he’s emotionally involved with someone else, or that he’s lost love & attraction for me, or feeling that he’s doing something he knows he’s not supposed to be doing on his phone, or that he’s talking to someone else,…..then D*** IT, START SHOWING ME THAT YOU LOVE ME & BE MORE AFFECTIONATE TOWARDS ME & STOP LEADING ME TO BELIEVE THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING & I WOULDNT THINK OR FEEL THIS!! SIMPLE AS THAT!!!! I DONT ASK FOR MUCH!!!!! I have NEVER felt SO ALONE in my life!!! 😭😭😭😭😭 I’m SO sick & tired of Breaking inside! Every inside part part of me feels So Shattered into a Million Pieces😭😭😭😭😭 it’s Already enough that I have NO friends 😭😭😭😭😭 Now I’m losing my husband!! If it weren’t for my girls, I Seriously would have left this world a Long time ago! But they are the ONLY reason im STILL Alive!I’m So SICK & TIRED OF FEELING ALONE, USED, REJECTED, ABANDONED 😭😭😭😭😭 WTH DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #fedup #depressed #alone #rejected #Abandoned #lost #Shattered #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #lovehurts #BarelyHangingOn #MarriageSucks