losinghope

I got a lumbar puncture yesterday and it was absolutely horrible. I knew there was a chance it would show up clear, and it did, but I’m so upset. I felt like it was so scary and painful to do, just to feel like we’ve gotten no further. I’ve had a EEG and an MRI. Both clear. I’ve been sitting here just waiting to them to figure out what’s going on and I’m starting to doubt I’m sick. Maybe I’m just crazy. Or incredibly lazy (unintentional rhyme)! I don’t know how to believe myself and I’m losing faith in my mom that she has the right diagnosis.

#ChronicDepression #losinghope #MedicalMystery #LumbarPunctures #MRI #EEG

10 months. 10 months of absolutely NO motivation to do anything, even shower. 10 months of not feeling ANY happiness, joy or pleasure. 10 months of NOT leaving the house. 10 months of constant persistent anxiety with NO relief. 10 months of dreading every minute of everyday except for sleep. 10 months of therapy that proves to be of no help. 10 months of taking and trying new meds, enduring horrible side effects all for them not to help. 10 months of fantasying my death because this is just too much to bare. 10 months of loneliness and a non existent support team. 10 months of holding on and just wishing, praying, hoping this will all end and I can feel human again. 10 months of the constant war in my mind. 10 months since I smiled. 10 months since I was a normal mother. 10 months since I’ve lived and not just survived.

Someone please tell me this will end soon. That I will recover and won’t forever be broken. I’ve not spoken to a single soul who has had it this bad for this long. I feel like I’m the only one and that I’m stuck like this forever…
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #generalizedanxiety #CPTSD #10Months #losinghope #DepressiveEpisode

I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts since the start of the year. My depression this year and last year is vastly different-last year it affected my studies, while this year is more high functioning with a lot of suicidal thoughts. Active ones, to be exact.

I really don’t know what to do. I have a hard time opening up to friends, even though I really want to. I also am not sure if I’m brave enough to call a suicide hotline. I haven’t seen my therapist in 1-2 months (last session was early May). Though she did get back to me, but what can she do for me? Talk to me then send me home to all these thoughts again? I really don’t know what to do from here. Any thoughts?

#CheckInWithMe #Depression #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #losinghope #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #help #lost

I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for months now. These days I have no mood to do any work. Today (it’s online classes this week) I was so tired I took a nap in between classes, and had to drag myself out of bed so that I don’t miss the next one. The thoughts (self-hating thoughts or suicidal ones) tire me out sometimes. It feels like I have no one to go to. I have a hard time opening up, and when I want to talk to someone, I don’t know how to take the first step. I haven’t talked to people about my feelings (like, an in-depth conversation, not just a one-liner and move on to happier stuff) for ages now. I haven’t seen my therapist since early may, though she said that she’d get back to me by end May/early June. I don’t know what to do. Can someone give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay? I could really use some encouragement right now...

#CheckInWithMe #Depression #Sadness #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Suicide #tired #losinghope #help #MightyTogether

I just can’t keep up with it. I feel pressured. I am constantly told that I have NO ambition and that I just don’t care about keeping up with the marriage and being a wife. I provide no support to him mentally, financially, emotionally. I am a big mess.

#Anxiety #feeldown #losinghope

I just found out I'll have to wait 3 more months before I can start therapy.
I can't wait that long! I know I'm not the only one who needs help and I'm not saying I'm worse off than anyone else on waitlists but fuck do I need help...

There shouldn't be waitlists for people seeking help. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and when we do, we're left alone, trying to survive without anyone's help. How are we supposed to do that?? How am I supposed to do that?? I feel lost..

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness #LosingMyself #losinghope #SufferinginSilence #lost #Therapy #SuicidalThoughts

I’ve been struggling so hard these last few years- I used to be able to smile through my tears. The one person who could always do that for me, was the cause of those tears and I don’t know how to cope... will I ever want to do those things again? I’m so sad- I’m tired of it but don’t know a way to not be anymore
#CheckInWithMe #losinghope

I tried to write down how I was feeling,
and yet,
the pages remained empty.
But, still,
in some uncanny twist of fate,
I couldn't have described this chasm
where my heart should reside
any better.

#MightyPoets #losinghope