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    Trying to find hope

    I got a lumbar puncture yesterday and it was absolutely horrible. I knew there was a chance it would show up clear, and it did, but I’m so upset. I felt like it was so scary and painful to do, just to feel like we’ve gotten no further. I’ve had a EEG and an MRI. Both clear. I’ve been sitting here just waiting to them to figure out what’s going on and I’m starting to doubt I’m sick. Maybe I’m just crazy. Or incredibly lazy (unintentional rhyme)! I don’t know how to believe myself and I’m losing faith in my mom that she has the right diagnosis.

    #ChronicDepression #losinghope #MedicalMystery #LumbarPunctures #MRI #EEG

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    How long was your longest depressive episode?

    10 months. 10 months of absolutely NO motivation to do anything, even shower. 10 months of not feeling ANY happiness, joy or pleasure. 10 months of NOT leaving the house. 10 months of constant persistent anxiety with NO relief. 10 months of dreading every minute of everyday except for sleep. 10 months of therapy that proves to be of no help. 10 months of taking and trying new meds, enduring horrible side effects all for them not to help. 10 months of fantasying my death because this is just too much to bare. 10 months of loneliness and a non existent support team. 10 months of holding on and just wishing, praying, hoping this will all end and I can feel human again. 10 months of the constant war in my mind. 10 months since I smiled. 10 months since I was a normal mother. 10 months since I’ve lived and not just survived.

    Someone please tell me this will end soon. That I will recover and won’t forever be broken. I’ve not spoken to a single soul who has had it this bad for this long. I feel like I’m the only one and that I’m stuck like this forever…
    #MajorDepressiveDisorder #generalizedanxiety #CPTSD #10Months #losinghope #DepressiveEpisode

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    I just want to feel I have a Purpose in this world besides being a Mother & Wife 😢😢

    For quite some time, I have been feeling like the world is rejecting me & doesn’t want me to have a purpose in this world. For Heavens sake I’m 40 years old, when the H** is my life purpose going to go somewhere!! I know I have Screwed up Soooo many times in my life & have blew soooo many opportunities that I unfortunately can’t go back & change, as much as I would love to & would give anything to go back & change things & I Regret it every second of Everyday.

    I’m beginning to wonder if there is still any hope to hold onto….Over the last 2 months I have been meeting with my supported employment worker & she is supposed to be helping me work towards becoming a Mental Health Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker but to be quite honest, it’s just not moving fast enough…which is piss poor on her part because she’s supposed to be working on my resume & getting it all set up but Still after Several weeks has yet to finish it so I can start applying to Mental Health agencies to be an Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker.

    All the while, I called a woman’s battered shelter & asked to volunteer there to help other women gain stability in there life & mentor & be an advocate for other women who have been in the same situation as me & have suffered trauma. But sadly, I have yet to receive a call back & it’s been over 2 weeks since ive gotten in contact with them inquiring about a volunteer position. I’m to the point of being done waiting because obviously they don’t want me or else I would have received some type of phone call….I can’t express how discouraging all of this is….

    It’s like this world has a force against me & doesn’t want me to succeed. Maybe I don’t have a purpose in life. I feel like this is All my life is going to be is a wife & Mother….Not that, that is a bad thing. I Love my Girls More than Anything in this World but I also need to do something for myself that makes me feel good about myself & that will keep my mind busy & improve my mental health & depression & keep me from constantly being in my head & get out of my husband’s hair. I feel like I’m driving him insane & making him miserable. Although he says I’m not…..I wish I could believe that.

    #Feelinglost #WhereisMyPurpose #discouraged #BarelyHangingOn #losinghope #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PastRegrets #PTSD #Anxiety


    Would anyone notice

    If tonight I disappeared?

    Would anyone chase me

    And say the words that I need to hear?

    That I'm no burden

    Not so worthless

    Bent so much that I just might break


    So confusing

    The questions that keep me awake

    Would anyone care, would anyone cry

    If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?

    Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
    Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight

    It just might save my life

    Would anyone want me

    If they knew what was inside my head?

    Would anyone see me for the person that I really am?

    I won't lie it’s So hard to hide

    I've never felt worthy of love

    I would give up everything I have
    Just to feel good enough

    If you're dying inside & Sick of being alive

    Let me in, let me share in your pain

    From my lungs through the dark
    #losinghope #WantToBeHeard #WantToFeelWanted #HurtingSoBad #depressed #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD


    When to call a hotline?

    I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts since the start of the year. My depression this year and last year is vastly different-last year it affected my studies, while this year is more high functioning with a lot of suicidal thoughts. Active ones, to be exact.

    I really don’t know what to do. I have a hard time opening up to friends, even though I really want to. I also am not sure if I’m brave enough to call a suicide hotline. I haven’t seen my therapist in 1-2 months (last session was early May). Though she did get back to me, but what can she do for me? Talk to me then send me home to all these thoughts again? I really don’t know what to do from here. Any thoughts?

    #CheckInWithMe #Depression #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #losinghope #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #help #lost



    I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for months now. These days I have no mood to do any work. Today (it’s online classes this week) I was so tired I took a nap in between classes, and had to drag myself out of bed so that I don’t miss the next one. The thoughts (self-hating thoughts or suicidal ones) tire me out sometimes. It feels like I have no one to go to. I have a hard time opening up, and when I want to talk to someone, I don’t know how to take the first step. I haven’t talked to people about my feelings (like, an in-depth conversation, not just a one-liner and move on to happier stuff) for ages now. I haven’t seen my therapist since early may, though she said that she’d get back to me by end May/early June. I don’t know what to do. Can someone give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay? I could really use some encouragement right now...

    #CheckInWithMe #Depression #Sadness #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Suicide #tired #losinghope #help #MightyTogether


    how can I deal with my husband having high expectations?

    I just can’t keep up with it. I feel pressured. I am constantly told that I have NO ambition and that I just don’t care about keeping up with the marriage and being a wife. I provide no support to him mentally, financially, emotionally. I am a big mess.

    #Anxiety #feeldown #losinghope


    There shouldn't be waitlists for #Therapy !!

    I just found out I'll have to wait 3 more months before I can start therapy.
    I can't wait that long! I know I'm not the only one who needs help and I'm not saying I'm worse off than anyone else on waitlists but fuck do I need help...

    There shouldn't be waitlists for people seeking help. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and when we do, we're left alone, trying to survive without anyone's help. How are we supposed to do that?? How am I supposed to do that?? I feel lost..

    #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness #LosingMyself #losinghope #SufferinginSilence #lost #Therapy #SuicidalThoughts


    What happens when the things that brought you joy, don’t

    I’ve been struggling so hard these last few years- I used to be able to smile through my tears. The one person who could always do that for me, was the cause of those tears and I don’t know how to cope... will I ever want to do those things again? I’m so sad- I’m tired of it but don’t know a way to not be anymore
    #CheckInWithMe #losinghope


    Dissociative Reflection

    I tried to write down how I was feeling,
    and yet,
    the pages remained empty.
    But, still,
    in some uncanny twist of fate,
    I couldn't have described this chasm
    where my heart should reside
    any better.

    #MightyPoets #losinghope