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Really, really struggling

I am having a really tough time finding the motivation to keep doing anything. I feel like it is so hopeless, what's the point. I have been fighting this illness for 40 years (since I was about 10)

I have been on disability for 4 years. Health benefits ran out last year. My psychologist gives me one session for free every month, but that is definitely not enough, I can't pay for more and I can't make any progress.
This is my 3rd major episode with my MDD in 8 years (each time is worse than the last and I am so tired. I have tried everything, and I mean everything. Meds galore, ECT (which really helped but I won't do it again due to short term memory issues as a result of it), ketamine in conjunction with TMS (unsuccessful) and I am a crap magnet for side effects, like really bad. I had tendonitis in my calf once that wouldn't go away, I went to my doctor and her student came in first and just told me to lose weight( struggled all my life).
I told her I had been at my job for a over a decade, working on my feet, that my weight was stable, and I had not had an injury, no changes at all. She just shrugged so I went researching on all my meds....after hours and days, I found an article that stated that tendonitis was a possible side effect of hormone infused iud. IUD came out and the tendonitis disappeared in a few days.

I can't take sustained release because those make me have the very dark, twisty thoughts. Regular meds are just as tough with other unwanted side effects. I have the 2 meds I am on without side effects. 1 is at the daily max, and I can't tolerate increases of the other. I had to stop taking Xanax for my anxiety because it was causing nocturnal hypoxia, sometimes dangerously low 02. And all the other benzos are ruled out because, like Xanax, they have a very long half life is and that is the problem.

Everybody comes to me to solve things, and yet I can't fix myself, and have an elderly mum to look after. My beloved kitty Willow is 18 and has showed signs that the inevitable is one the way. I don't deal with loss well and she has been my rock for almost 20 years.

I am so tired, just want to give up, and just turn into a blank person who doesn't have to deal, and just stares out the window while slowly waiting for nature to take it's toll when I am 80 something. I feel like I am only existing and not truly living. Picture is of my darling girl Willow.
#MDD #BPD #Anxiety #Insomnia #CPTSD #ChronicPain #treatmentresistant #Dysthymia #losinghope

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Trying to find hope

I got a lumbar puncture yesterday and it was absolutely horrible. I knew there was a chance it would show up clear, and it did, but I’m so upset. I felt like it was so scary and painful to do, just to feel like we’ve gotten no further. I’ve had a EEG and an MRI. Both clear. I’ve been sitting here just waiting to them to figure out what’s going on and I’m starting to doubt I’m sick. Maybe I’m just crazy. Or incredibly lazy (unintentional rhyme)! I don’t know how to believe myself and I’m losing faith in my mom that she has the right diagnosis.

#ChronicDepression #losinghope #MedicalMystery #LumbarPunctures #MRI #EEG

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How long was your longest depressive episode?

10 months. 10 months of absolutely NO motivation to do anything, even shower. 10 months of not feeling ANY happiness, joy or pleasure. 10 months of NOT leaving the house. 10 months of constant persistent anxiety with NO relief. 10 months of dreading every minute of everyday except for sleep. 10 months of therapy that proves to be of no help. 10 months of taking and trying new meds, enduring horrible side effects all for them not to help. 10 months of fantasying my death because this is just too much to bare. 10 months of loneliness and a non existent support team. 10 months of holding on and just wishing, praying, hoping this will all end and I can feel human again. 10 months of the constant war in my mind. 10 months since I smiled. 10 months since I was a normal mother. 10 months since I’ve lived and not just survived.

Someone please tell me this will end soon. That I will recover and won’t forever be broken. I’ve not spoken to a single soul who has had it this bad for this long. I feel like I’m the only one and that I’m stuck like this forever…
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #generalizedanxiety #CPTSD #10Months #losinghope #DepressiveEpisode

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I just want to feel I have a Purpose in this world besides being a Mother & Wife 😢😢

For quite some time, I have been feeling like the world is rejecting me & doesn’t want me to have a purpose in this world. For Heavens sake I’m 40 years old, when the H** is my life purpose going to go somewhere!! I know I have Screwed up Soooo many times in my life & have blew soooo many opportunities that I unfortunately can’t go back & change, as much as I would love to & would give anything to go back & change things & I Regret it every second of Everyday.

I’m beginning to wonder if there is still any hope to hold onto….Over the last 2 months I have been meeting with my supported employment worker & she is supposed to be helping me work towards becoming a Mental Health Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker but to be quite honest, it’s just not moving fast enough…which is piss poor on her part because she’s supposed to be working on my resume & getting it all set up but Still after Several weeks has yet to finish it so I can start applying to Mental Health agencies to be an Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker.

All the while, I called a woman’s battered shelter & asked to volunteer there to help other women gain stability in there life & mentor & be an advocate for other women who have been in the same situation as me & have suffered trauma. But sadly, I have yet to receive a call back & it’s been over 2 weeks since ive gotten in contact with them inquiring about a volunteer position. I’m to the point of being done waiting because obviously they don’t want me or else I would have received some type of phone call….I can’t express how discouraging all of this is….

It’s like this world has a force against me & doesn’t want me to succeed. Maybe I don’t have a purpose in life. I feel like this is All my life is going to be is a wife & Mother….Not that, that is a bad thing. I Love my Girls More than Anything in this World but I also need to do something for myself that makes me feel good about myself & that will keep my mind busy & improve my mental health & depression & keep me from constantly being in my head & get out of my husband’s hair. I feel like I’m driving him insane & making him miserable. Although he says I’m not…..I wish I could believe that.

#Feelinglost #WhereisMyPurpose #discouraged #BarelyHangingOn #losinghope #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PastRegrets #PTSD #Anxiety


Would anyone notice

If tonight I disappeared?

Would anyone chase me

And say the words that I need to hear?

That I'm no burden

Not so worthless

Bent so much that I just might break


So confusing

The questions that keep me awake

Would anyone care, would anyone cry

If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight?

Would anything change, would you all be just fine?
Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight

It just might save my life

Would anyone want me

If they knew what was inside my head?

Would anyone see me for the person that I really am?

I won't lie it’s So hard to hide

I've never felt worthy of love

I would give up everything I have
Just to feel good enough

If you're dying inside & Sick of being alive

Let me in, let me share in your pain

From my lungs through the dark
#losinghope #WantToBeHeard #WantToFeelWanted #HurtingSoBad #depressed #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD


When to call a hotline?

I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts since the start of the year. My depression this year and last year is vastly different-last year it affected my studies, while this year is more high functioning with a lot of suicidal thoughts. Active ones, to be exact.

I really don’t know what to do. I have a hard time opening up to friends, even though I really want to. I also am not sure if I’m brave enough to call a suicide hotline. I haven’t seen my therapist in 1-2 months (last session was early May). Though she did get back to me, but what can she do for me? Talk to me then send me home to all these thoughts again? I really don’t know what to do from here. Any thoughts?

#CheckInWithMe #Depression #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #losinghope #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #help #lost



I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for months now. These days I have no mood to do any work. Today (it’s online classes this week) I was so tired I took a nap in between classes, and had to drag myself out of bed so that I don’t miss the next one. The thoughts (self-hating thoughts or suicidal ones) tire me out sometimes. It feels like I have no one to go to. I have a hard time opening up, and when I want to talk to someone, I don’t know how to take the first step. I haven’t talked to people about my feelings (like, an in-depth conversation, not just a one-liner and move on to happier stuff) for ages now. I haven’t seen my therapist since early may, though she said that she’d get back to me by end May/early June. I don’t know what to do. Can someone give me a hug and tell me that things will be okay? I could really use some encouragement right now...

#CheckInWithMe #Depression #Sadness #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Suicide #tired #losinghope #help #MightyTogether


how can I deal with my husband having high expectations?

I just can’t keep up with it. I feel pressured. I am constantly told that I have NO ambition and that I just don’t care about keeping up with the marriage and being a wife. I provide no support to him mentally, financially, emotionally. I am a big mess.

#Anxiety #feeldown #losinghope


There shouldn't be waitlists for #Therapy !!

I just found out I'll have to wait 3 more months before I can start therapy.
I can't wait that long! I know I'm not the only one who needs help and I'm not saying I'm worse off than anyone else on waitlists but fuck do I need help...

There shouldn't be waitlists for people seeking help. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and when we do, we're left alone, trying to survive without anyone's help. How are we supposed to do that?? How am I supposed to do that?? I feel lost..

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness #LosingMyself #losinghope #SufferinginSilence #lost #Therapy #SuicidalThoughts


What happens when the things that brought you joy, don’t

I’ve been struggling so hard these last few years- I used to be able to smile through my tears. The one person who could always do that for me, was the cause of those tears and I don’t know how to cope... will I ever want to do those things again? I’m so sad- I’m tired of it but don’t know a way to not be anymore
#CheckInWithMe #losinghope