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    Being depressed while being a mum - I just want to be normal and fine

    Not wanting to be here.
    This being a near constant
    An, every other day feeling
    What’s the point?
    What’s the point of trying to put into words?
    So when I’m not here, my son can know..
    It was nothing to do with him.
    It was everything to do with this plague, this cancer, this curse.
    I worry that all my wishings to not be here will actually take me away from him sooner than he can cope. And I can’t bear to think of him suffering because of me. I can’t bear to think of him feeling alone in this world. Wanting me. Wondering.
    I am sitting here breastfeeding him. Hating myself for these thoughts. Worrying they are somehow passing onto him. Wanting to stop breastfeeding in every moment, just get him off me for fear of him “picking” this up. Trying to think of other things but these are not just thoughts. This is feeling. This is embodied. Me. I can’t get away from it. Nothing else feels quite as real or familiar anymore. The thought of wanting to put him down upsets me because I know one day we won’t be here. Never being this close to have him feed at my breast and I resent myself for wanting to stop. But my back also hurts and I feel so frustrated!

    I hate who I am these days. I hate who I’ve become. Always moaning. Always annoyed. Always on the edge of pissed offness. Always tired. Exhausted. Not wanting to be here. All the time. Can’t be bothered. Don’t care. Caring too much. I don’t know. Doubting myself. Criticising myself. Criticising others. Tired. So tired. Always tired. Feeling weak. Pathetic. Miserable. Then, when I have come away from being with others, how fake I feel. They see the best mum ever. They see a positive, inspiring, encouraging, nurturing, caring friend. They see lovely, so lovely, so kind, considerate and thoughtful. Because I am. I know I am those things aswell but I feel like that’s me only 20% of the time now.

    With my son I know I am so patient, kind, loving, nurturing, everything good in me most of the time. It’s as soon as he goes down for a nap and I curl up on the sofa I let a little bit of the heaviness out. Within minutes of my partner being home and having a go at him because I am genuinely so irritated. I sit on the floor and play with my son and I’m only physically there. Inside I am sad. I stare at his face and feel a sense of wonder. I watch him and feel awe. He comes over to me and I feel love. This is why I could watch him all day. This is why I record him so much. Because he is the only thing I feel genuine joy at these days. So why do I feel so bad when I am with him all day and I do get to watch him all day. Because of me and my lack of energy and my moods and how I FEEL inside. Having to do housework. Having to leave the house. Having to do things just feels like such an inconvininece to me all of the time.

    This is obviously severe/chronic depression and in some ways I think I accept it but for the most part I don’t and can’t. It feels too unfair and I don’t want to accept this is my reality and will be my reality for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to take a hundred supplements a day and be radical in getting exercise and diet just to maintain a balanced-ish way of being. I just want to be normal and fine.

    #Depression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #motherood #MentalHealth #Breastfeeding #Trapped #Parentingwithdepression #overwhelmed #SuicideIdeation #fedup #sad #melancholy

    9 reactions 4 comments

    #tired #fedup #painuponpain #EDS #Endo

    I'm tired of feeling tired.

    I'm tired of feeling fed up

    I'm tired of spending all day in bed as I can't do/face anything else

    But most of all...

    I'm tired of being in excruciating pain due to my endo on top of my Chronic pain due to EDS!

    I know there is an end to this but it seems to be so far away as I don't have a date for my op yet, not to mention the fact that that might not even stop the pain!


    I want to get back to work but at the same time I'm terrified that I won't cope when I do!


    Feeling fedup #fedup #Depression

    I think I’m done trying to give an opinion on anything to anyone I know. I must be some kind of idiot or something because all I ever get is shot down. Even my wife, I can’t seem to have a discussion with, she immediately just says “ fine, I guess I’ll never bring it up again”

    By now you’d think I would be used to it, it’s been this way pretty much my entire life, I’ve felt like I’ve never really mattered

    Thanks for listening



    #fake #fedup


    Crossroads in life???

    Hi - I've had a shocking couple of years health wise. I've been hospitalised twice, had my gallbladder removed, and had sepsis. And then just as I recovered from all that I've managed to obtain a herniated disc, which is excruciating.

    I've been off work 6-months out of the last 24-months with my physical health issues. My mental health has been ok, but recently I have been getting down mainly because (I suspect) I cannot do the things that keep me out of my head, such as running, cycling, tending my garden, basically anything that involved physical activity.

    I've also had a lot of time to think, which is never good for me.

    I don't know where my life is going.

    The kids are just about grown up and self-sufficient.

    I've got the qualifications, both academic and professional, in my job. By any measure I have a good job working for a great company.

    But I am sad all the time.

    My job doesn't do it for me anymore, and after the few years I have had with my health I have no energy left for the constant push to 'improve' myself. My company are pushing me towards roles that I now realise make me deeply uncomfortable and cause me stress and anxiety.

    I have worked so hard over the past decade to fifteen years to provide for my family, that I have neglected myself. I don't really have any hobbies nor the first idea what to do with myself. I know I should just try various things and eventually I will find the thing(s) that I enjoy, but something is stopping me and I am not sure what.

    I have no purpose. Married - tick. Kids, done and they are both well adjusted - tick. Degree - tick. Masters degree - tick. Professionally qualified - tick. Good job that pays me enough to not have to worry too much about money - tick. Respect of my peers - tick. What else is there to do?##

    I find myself dreaming of packing in work, but then worrying about what I would do with my time.

    I absolutely hate my head. I sometimes wish it would blow up and leave me alone.

    #anxious #depressed #fedup

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    Feeling lost, Heart Broke, Alone,…etc. 🥲🥲

    What else do I have to do! Do I need to Scream it from the Mountain Top, Tatoo it to my forehead, Write it in Bold black letters, Engrave it in Stone! 😭😭 When the H** is he going to get the Clue, the Message that’s staring him right in the face!! When is my husband going to Stop being So D** Blind!! I’m DONE wasting my breath!! What part of I NEED MORE LOVE & AFFECTION in my Marriage DOESNT HE GET!!!! If he wants me to Stop thinking & feeling that he’s emotionally involved with someone else, or that he’s lost love & attraction for me, or feeling that he’s doing something he knows he’s not supposed to be doing on his phone, or that he’s talking to someone else,…..then D*** IT, START SHOWING ME THAT YOU LOVE ME & BE MORE AFFECTIONATE TOWARDS ME & STOP LEADING ME TO BELIEVE THESE THINGS ARE HAPPENING & I WOULDNT THINK OR FEEL THIS!! SIMPLE AS THAT!!!! I DONT ASK FOR MUCH!!!!! I have NEVER felt SO ALONE in my life!!! 😭😭😭😭😭 I’m SO sick & tired of Breaking inside! Every inside part part of me feels So Shattered into a Million Pieces😭😭😭😭😭 it’s Already enough that I have NO friends 😭😭😭😭😭 Now I’m losing my husband!! If it weren’t for my girls, I Seriously would have left this world a Long time ago! But they are the ONLY reason im STILL Alive!I’m So SICK & TIRED OF FEELING ALONE, USED, REJECTED, ABANDONED 😭😭😭😭😭 WTH DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #fedup #depressed #alone #rejected #Abandoned #lost #Shattered #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #lovehurts #BarelyHangingOn #MarriageSucks


    Tired and Frustrated

    I saw the doctor today. Just as I had suspected- anxiety takes the blame, and my ankle swelling gets pushed to the side.

    I’ve got blood tests and another ECG in a few weeks, but I already know how that’s going to go. I had both only 7 months ago, and they came back normal.

    The ECG is over half a minute or so in the morning. I don’t get my episodes in the morning, so that’ll no doubt be normal. I do ECG’s on my watch and I don’t have AF, so I already know that.


    I normally accept what the doctor says. But for this I just can’t. And I’m tired and frustrated.

    Anxiety isn’t getting ready to go to sleep at 2am having relaxed for hours before, and then suddenly having chest pain which is only relieved by lying down.

    Anxiety isn’t palpitations right in the middle of something calming.

    Anxiety isn’t shaking at nighttime when I’m simply moving my muscles.

    Anxiety isn’t swollen ankles.

    I’ve had anxiety for over 10 years. I get all those when I am actually anxious and my mind is racing, not when I’m relaxing. And my breathing techniques work with anxiety, they don’t with this.

    But who am I to tell a medical professional that it’s not just anxiety? It’s the most logical explanation, given I have 0 risk factors for any cardiac problems and every test comes back fine.

    I suppose I’ll go for the blood test and ECG and then it’ll come back clear, I wait a few months and then this all happens again. Though next time, I don’t think I’ll bother doing anything about it. It’s a waste of time and money.

    #ChestPain #frustrated #Doctors #Anxiety #tired #fedup #BloodTests #MentalHealth #herewegoagain #Swelling #Tremor #shaking #palpitations

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    Pain has caught up with me.... #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #IIH

    All my housework yesterday has made me flare today. I hate these conditons. I just wish i could live a normal life. #FedUpWithHavingtoExplain #fedup


    Just so tired #BipolarDepression #fedup #MentalHealth

    Took yet another blow today, beyond exhausted & fed up. Been dealing with MI for 10 years & BEYOND exhausted. I really do want 2 keep going & achieve so many things. Today has just really destroyed so much of the little remaining fight I hd left. Does anyone have any tips to reignite what little fight is left?

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    #funny &true #isthatthemouthyoukissyourmotherwith

    When I saw this it made me think of my two youngest sons. They were raised in a Catholic household with very little cussing; if Dad hit his thumb with the hammer he might have said s!#t but that was the extent of it. Now when I talk my 24 year old, every other word is the "F" word. I just don't get it.