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    Time to Let Go

    Today, I said goodbye to 15 years of marriage and a 19 1/2 year relationship. When you've been feeling like you're just tolerated or only get any attention when they want something or knew that you just got paid. They don't want to communicate, speak in half truths, hide things until you find out yourself. They had given up on trying to be a father all together and then all the signs of the wandering eye start surfacing. It's just for the best. I want to be happy but I want him to be happy too. I'm not a ball and chain and I don't want to be pittied either. I wanted a faithful, loyal relationship with a partner. To take the mans role in our home and build a life with us. Or even just to communicate and be honest with me. I've done everything he had asked and more. Went back to 50's wife ensemble even. Still not good enough. I then tried to reach out to 3 different ppl for support. Since this is the 1st time since I was 15(2003) since being on my own with 3 kids in tow. I really do feel abandoned , lost and alone. 💔 #Abandoned #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety

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    Zero Love & Belonging for me & now my body is continually rejecting me with new diseases too. Pain vs Suffering

    This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
    That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

    My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

    It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
    Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

    My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
    I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
    This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
    My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

    I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

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    Abandonment & BPD

    Every situation in life can almost fall under been abandoned when you have bpd, depending on how extreme your bpd is if like me I have Quiet BPD, then everything in life affects you. You can meet someone on a new job you just got and in 2 weeks if they decide to quit, you will feel the emotional disconnect. Has the same feeling as you are being abandoned by your parents as a child. But without the intensity because you are not in a relationship with them. You basically just met them one time or more within that 2-week time frame #Abandoned #BPD #quietbpd



    I am about to be abandoned. It is something that is going to happen to all of the inner circle to teach us a lesson. before coming back…

    He knows about my abandonment issues. He already emotionally distanced himself. Physical is next where he will be gone for at least a month where he won’t talk to us. So we can see what it is truly like without him, since we all took him for granted.

    I am already on the verge of panic. I will be so very alone. Everything is my fault. This is what happens when I trust people and open up. I cannot breathe.

    At least I got a warning by someone else, otherwise it would have been soooo much worse…..and it is going to be bad enough.

    He knows this is my worst fear, him leaving.

    #Abandoned #fears #alone #panic #PanicAttacks #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FavoritePerson #Crying

    8 reactions 5 comments

    Disabled or apathetic? MS, PTSD, chronic pain, depression,… really? How do I live this way?

    I wake up every day hoping the #fog will clear but it rarely ever does. It’s like being #underground and seeing the #light and #goals way above but they’re hardly visible. I feel like I’m trying to figure out how to navigate and get up there, over one the #Pain and #Fatigue , and just see the light. Each day seems harder and I am continually being beaten down by societies demands just to stay alive, live, eat, breathe, function and get any type of care. My family has #Abandoned me because, as my sister said. “She just can’t.” My children have not abandoned me but they have their lives and because it’s so hard to travel, or get through each day, seeing them is rare. The bank is trying to take my house, just because they want it and not because I don’t, or can’t pay. I feel numb inside and scared. What happens if…? Do I become another statistic and #Homeless , alone and #suffering and no one cares? I’m not sure that’s depression or reality and reality sucks enough to make you feel depressed. I don’t want anymore “treatment” from anyone and I can’t afford it anyway . I want this to end. I’m PV

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    Guide to being a SURVIVOR!

    #ChildhoodAbuse #abandonment #Rape #terror #Depression ….

    When I was a small child, my father #Abandoned me without a goodbye. Mother had #Manic depression, and we were left poverty stricken. My clothes were holey, #filthy and #Hunger was a constant.
    I lived in #terror being 6 yrs old, alone and subjected to constant #Abuse by strangers in my house.
    I knew I had 2 choices #fight or #Die if I was going to win the ring of #Horror that had become my life. I chose to fight, to do what I needed to do, just to buy a pair of shoes. I had none. To cut a long story short, I want whoever is reading this to know that no matter how horrible, #Terrifying your life is right now? Take back your #courage , and #fight for what you want.
    I’ve done more than #survive severe #Childhood trauma, I’m a #MentalIllness survivor too. I’ve excelled on my own, through my determination to get out of the hell hole I was in: like: meeting and hugging Nelson Mandela. Raising money for victims of crime, importing and exporting art and furniture, travelling to most of the countries in the world, making friends and connections on my own. owning my many businesses, and selling them for profit. Studying and being qualified in the science of the addicted, mentally Ill brain. Qualifying as a mental illness and addiction counsellor, raising 3 kids who’re well balanced and happy .
    I’m now a YouTube influencer, my channel focuses on mental illnesses. Now, I’m teaming with MIND uk, to raise money for the mentally ill people who can’t work.

    You are a survivor, you’re a magical, strong, brave, fabulous person.
    Go for whatever you want, because you can. You can, no matter what ‘they’ did or said.
    Do it! Your life is yours. Please take it back.
    I’m with you.

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    Abandonment #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Abandoned

    I am really struggling at the moment with whether my feelings are valid or not.

    I travelled overseas to meet three of my best friends for a lovely adventure holiday. Before leaving, I had developed an infection that was painful, but being treated by my doctors. Mostly I wanted to continue the holiday to see these people - anyone else and I probably would have abandoned the trip.

    On arriving, my friends felt I needed to go to hospital to have the infection looked at. So I did, and was admitted for three days, undergoing surgery to remove the infection in that time.

    Here’s the thing - though my friends took me to the emergency room, they had a tour booked and began that tour at 8am the next day. They didn’t even stay for me to get admitted properly and moved to a ward.

    Here’s the second thing - before I came over to meet them, one of the friends told me that I shouldn’t be worried about being left alone sick in a foreign country, as they wouldn’t let that happen. As it happens, I was left alone sick in a foreign country.

    These are three of my best friends but I feel completely abandoned and let down by them, and I am particularly directing these feelings at the one that told me I wouldn’t be left alone.

    I know they had their own holiday booked that cost money; I also know that that first day was two hours away and that the activities planned could be repeated the following day.

    So, am I right to feel abandoned? Or am I just reacting? How do I handle this when I see them tomorrow?


    I was #Abandoned in childhood and ever since then I have abandoned all hope

    If your father didn't want you and your mother checked out with Valium and Xanax how does a child learn their value?

    Well I learned I have no value.

    I learned the only valid method of expressing myself was anger.

    I was a sad little 7 year old boy who needed his mom and dad to help learn about the world. Instead:

    I learned that other people will make fun of me

    I learned that I was ugly and fat

    I learned that I do not belong

    I learned that people will use you for a nickel

    I learned that I am dumb

    I learned that the people who should support you won't

    I learned I will always be alone

    And 47 years later

    People still make fun of me

    I am obese and still ugly

    I do not belong

    People have used me for a nickel

    I feel stupid

    I am unsupported

    And I am alone.

    I am waiting to die.

    I wish my life was over.

    Depression sucks life from me

    Anxiety makes me scared and fear even asking for help

    I was in a full depressed state from ages 7 to 10.

    I don't think I ever left depression at age 10. I just realized nothing matters. I don't matter. And I have been going through life knowing that happiness, joy and a life of friends is not something I will ever get to experience.

    I know I am supposed to try and re-frame negative thoughts into positive thinking.

    It is near impossible to see one positive thing about being alive right now.


    Greatest fear became reality

    My heart dropped, right into the pit of my weak stomach. The blood in my body felt like it drained right out of my veins. And then, the nausea and shaking. When bad news becomes so devastating you throw up, you cannot breathe.

    My birthday celebrations had been in full swing: my partner and small family, after a year of loss, homelessness and rejection from others/employers whilst dealing with bullying I just wanted a nice day. Just and hour before the clock turned 12 and I’d be another year older; My now ex partner would announce he slept with someone else, I knew something was up by his body language that evening. My intuition told me something is wrong, but I didn’t realise it would be this. Following this devastating news I find out he’d also talk to other girls on dating apps moments after we were close and intimate.

    I wanted to stay ignorant, I wish I never knew so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.
    This time, he isn’t coming back. He was the last person in my life that hadn’t left; my trauma prior to this has been so immense that not many people have bothered sticking around. I’ve finally found I’m now alone in this world. But the biggest realisation for me is that you can think you know someone, inside out. He would constantly reassure me that I’m the only girl for him, I’m gorgeous in every way for him. He only has eyes for me. But how wrong I was, now realising that it was a front, my rock and my love has completely betrayed me. Disrespected me, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I am not to say he was entirely bad, this is why it’s so hard. I was in love, to the ends of the earths with him; a month before he would make a proposal style gesture for a promise ring with a heart inside to say he will never leave and I have his heart. But unfortunately I didn’t quite have the rest of his anatomy.

    I know many people will share my feelings in their own stories of infidelity and cheating. As a BPD sufferer, I’d always worry he would leave me, or find someone better than me, the thought of him leaving my life was horrific and painful.
    It’s such a crushing feeling of total violation and a loss of trust. I question myself, was it me? Was I not good enough? Was she what he wanted? I wish it never happened, sometimes I wished I stayed ignorant. But that is my denial still at play. I don’t know how I can move onto trust another, when you were once so convinced they were the most loyal and faithful person you’ve met. I still feel sick, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep without crying. Heartbreak is killing my soul inside. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #cheating #Affair #abandonment #Abandoned #Depression #lonely #Fp #Grief #Loss

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    What is a mindful skill practice you have learned from therapy that has made the biggest impact on improving your mental state? #CPTSD #Depression

    Today was my second day of therapy for my complex PTSD. En route I was in tears, then left in smiles. As a neglected/abandoned child it is hard thinking logical since most of my irrational thoughts are formulated from biased fears.

    One trait I need to work on is regulating my emotions. I will fixate, dwell, then spiral.

    Today, I imagined a box with a lock that could hold all my problems and triggers. Then I imagined a trigger/hurt discussed in the session going into the box. I closed my eyes and just felt the emotions and thoughts going into my box. Then I locked it.

    At home, when I am triggered, or sad, I am supposed to practice this. I honestly loved it.

    This skill set will save me from focusing and dwelling on pain or a trigger. Instead I calmly place my feelings in the box locked and then unlock it in therapy and discuss my emotions in a proper healing way.

    I am very happy to have found this tool! As somebody who can spiral from strong emotions, this tool will help regulate and prevent emotional outbursts.

    I am excited for my journey on strengthing my emotional health!

    I would love to know what has helped for others.

    Sending positivity and love to all. #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Childhoodneglect #Abandoned #CPTSD #PTSD #traumasurvivor #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Depression