If your father didn't want you and your mother checked out with Valium and Xanax how does a child learn their value?
Well I learned I have no value.
I learned the only valid method of expressing myself was anger.
I was a sad little 7 year old boy who needed his mom and dad to help learn about the world. Instead:
I learned that other people will make fun of me
I learned that I was ugly and fat
I learned that I do not belong
I learned that people will use you for a nickel
I learned that I am dumb
I learned that the people who should support you won't
I learned I will always be alone
And 47 years later
People still make fun of me
I am obese and still ugly
I do not belong
People have used me for a nickel
I feel stupid
I am unsupported
And I am alone.
I am waiting to die.
I wish my life was over.
Depression sucks life from me
Anxiety makes me scared and fear even asking for help
I was in a full depressed state from ages 7 to 10.
I don't think I ever left depression at age 10. I just realized nothing matters. I don't matter. And I have been going through life knowing that happiness, joy and a life of friends is not something I will ever get to experience.
I know I am supposed to try and re-frame negative thoughts into positive thinking.
It is near impossible to see one positive thing about being alive right now.