Why was I born - am I loved.
Why was I born - am I loved.
Feeling lost, Heart Broke, Alone,…etc. 🥲🥲
When support is a lie
My sister is an RN who worked in a mental health setting for a couple of years. She has always tried to be supportive, but she's a big proponent of pick yourself up by the bootstraps kind of person. When I had a breakdown several years ago that caused a stutter, she kept trying to blame it on my medication even though my psychiatrist, therapist, and PC all said it was not. So fast forward to this summer, when my nephew told me that she was telling her girls that I was faking that stuttering as a ploy for attention. Then this past week he told me that she talks to her oldest daughter and son about how I am also faking my mental and physical illnesses for attention, that I'm just hurting because I need to lose weight. Now I was already feeling unwelcome in her new house because she pretty much ignored me and called me the day before because she had bought new furniture and I was too heavy to sit in it. I don't think this would hurt so bad except that I was there for her whenever she needed me. I was there when she went to school, as she was pregnant 5 times over 4 relationships, when she needed someone to watch her kids while her husband slept on the couch. I spent years babysitting her kids, helping her to get through school as she worked toward her master's degree, and when I've needed her the most, she not been there. I feel so betrayed, so invalidated, and rejected by someone I've always been there for and will continue to be. I guess it's not really that surprising though, as she also denied me through most of our school years. #shed #rejected #Depression #Anxiety #Sibling #mentalillnes #Nosupport
I live in fear. I am afraid of other people. I am afraid of you. I am afraid of living, afraid of rejection afraid of loss. My life thus far has been painful and afraid. I so much crave for friends and a relationship but my fears, pain and past losses show me what happens if I even try. Rejection. I am always waiting for it. I feel rejection is going to happen, so I reject friends and relationships quickly, before I have invested any emotional capital into the relationship. I have been told this is sabotage of my own relationships to avoid expected pain which has the same outcome as being rejected. I don’t know how that could be true. The pain of rejection is much greater than the pain of loneliness. I don’t really know if I have expressed what I mean.
I feel afraid, empty and lonely. I have stopped trying to meet new people. I know people will reject me before I even see them. I know this because I have been conditioned by society that poor overweight men are unattractive losers that are there to be made fun of and shown only as an example of what not to be when you grow up. I went through grade school, middle school and most of high school being bullied and rejected. Laughed at as the butt of many jokes. Pushed around and punched. I was taught my place in the world.
As I write this I would welcome death. Not that I am suicidal, just that I don’t see the world as a good place. I wake up saddened to be alive. This world is ugly and mean. Death would be an ending to my pain and loneliness.
For the religious, I cannot believe there would be a god that would allow suffering on the magnitude that exists in this world. There is no god. And if there is a god, it has a great deal to answer about why create a world with extreme suffering. So please save your prayers for someone else. I already know that praying is worthless.
I wish this world was as I was taught as a very young 5 year old boy: a place of wonder, beauty, joy, happiness and love. But I have been through the world and from my experience I know the world is a place of ugly cruelty, meanness, hatred and rejection.
The only constant in my life has been the depression, rejection, loneliness and emptiness. And I hope my life ends soon so I can return to where I was before I was forced into being. Return me to stardust.
what avice do you guys have about getting a job?
im 25 and ive never had a job. i volenteer alot and i have a nice looking resume and all that. ive gone on indeed and ive applyed to over 98 different places and i havent had any job interviews. im legally blind and cant drive other then that you'd never know that i have any issues. it seems like im just wasting my time at this point and i need to reachout to someone. im really deperate because i have found that my selfesteam and confidence is directly linked to feeling that im helping or that im needed.
there are no employment agencys where i live and alot of them seem to be a waste of time aswell they have part time work one day a week everyother week, type work. im now at a loss as to why i never get called back or why its so hard to actually find work when i see these burnt out druggies and alcohalics getting high paying jobs from week to week like its nothing. i just bully the crap out of myself telling myself all these negitive things about myself as reasons why i didnt get called back. i just begining to hurt inside and feel unwanted.
Where’d they go?
I feel like I am being abandoned and rejected by all of my friends. I know I talk about things going on and how I feel alot. I don’t want to be this depressed n draining person that nobody enjoys being around. I currently have no close friends and spend every weekend alone. I am glad I have parents that live here and invite me over on the weekends. The truth is though I miss hanging out with people my age. I miss having friends. This year every friendship,old, new or close has either gone or fizzled out. I just want people to stay in my life and want me around. #bpdsymptoms #lossofbestfriend #rejected #FearOfAbandonment #brokenontheinside
I‘m 26 now and still #single. I‘ve never been in a #relationship . Sometimes I wonder what‘s wrong with me. Then it hits me: I‘m just crazy, that‘s why. I was in love #Love with somebody when I was 15 but got #rejected. It took me over 2 years to get over that. I‘m not even sure if it was him I couldn‘t get over or the fact that I‘ve been rejected.
My #Depression and #Anxiety always kept me from trusting people to the fullest. Of course there were also other things that contributed to my #trustissues with past friends. But before that I already couldn‘t and didn‘t want to open up that much. I had the feeling I was always just scraching on the surface. I didn‘t and still don’t like talking that much about my feelings.
Plus I hate being touched. I don‘t really like hugs or being touched, be it accidentally or on purpose. When someone touches my arm or shoulder even just for a moment, my skin tickles and it doesn‘t feel good. Most of the time I flinch. I wonder if people don‘t notice or just don‘t care. Maybe I‘ve become very good at hiding.
Thanks to my #Medication I can now hug at least the people I love and it doesn‘t feel that bad. Sometimes it‘s even pretty good. I think I‘m getting there, step by step. But still I don‘t think I‘ll ever be truely comfortable with touching people. Of course this is also the reason I‘m still a virgin. Sometimes I‘d love to have sex but I don‘t want to be touched or touch someone else. I don‘t even know someone I‘d like to sleep with, most of the time.
Then sometimes I‘m #obsessing over people I don‘t really know. Movie stars from different countries I‘ll probably never meet, the good looking neighbor next door that doesn’t even look at me twice. I fantasize about being in a relationship with them. Sometimes I can‘t even sleep because my thoughts just won‘t shut up, even though I know this isn‘t real and certainly unhealthy.
Can anybody relate to that? How are you making relationships work when you don‘t like being touched or opening up? This is a mystery I couldn‘t solve yet. Now I‘m not even sure if I could even love someone again. How do you do that?