Being

Most day I feel so lost and no place to trun #Being here

Love when people say anyone up, I respond me, nothing, still nothing.

OVER IT!!!

#Finished
#Overit
#Being ignored
#NotGoodEnough
#Donnotmeasureup

Life has gotten so out of control, I can’t find peace or happiness anywhere. I feel my heart skip beats or flutter and sometimes I have trouble catching my breath. I am a walking dead person!

I should explain that four years ago I lost a job I loved because of my illnesses. I worked as a theatre support worker during operations at a nearby hospital.

I absolutely loved that job. I tried so hard to always be a model employee, to do my job well. But one day, during a kidney removal I started to suddenly feel hot and tingly all over. When I woke up I was in a hospital bed; the nurses and staff in the operating theatre had carried me onto a trolley and sent me around to A&E.

I discovered soon after that accident that I’d developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome... I was given time off work but eventually theu decided to cut
me loose. And along with the POTS my bladder condition (insterstital cystitis) started to flare up and I ended up on morphine for a while. Luckily, I managed to kick that habit and now I’m taking Dihydrocodeine for my bladder and the joint pain I get from Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome.

Naturally, after I lost my job I was devasted. I fell into a deep depression. My health continued to get worth. It seemed like every time I went to the hospital for a check up, I was told I had something else wrong with me. Like Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease thats turned into Cirrohsis, and shortly after THAT diagnosis I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and I’m currently waiting for an Endoscopy on my stomach because I seem to have nearly all the symptoms of stomach ulcers.

I started to neglect myself. I didn’t take my medication, I stopped looking up and down the street before crossing the road, I stopped showing/bathing regularly. I’d go weeks, (which is gross - I know) without cleaning myself up. Everything was so exhausting. And I just didn’t have the energy.

A few weeks ago, however, I decided to start taking care of myself. I started taking my medication on time every day, I started bathing three times a week (our boiler is small and there are 5 of us in this house), I started styling my hair and putting on my face creams and wearing a little bit of make up. I feel good. But even more than all of this I’m exercising at least once every other day on my new bike.

I know these things are so small and don’t mean much... But I’m so proud of how far I’ve come.

#chronicillnesswarriors #ChronicHealthConditions #POTSUK #EDS #NAFLD #BPD #InterstitialCystitis #Diabetes #feelingbetter #Proudofmyself #Pleased #Being Sensible #LosingWeight #Cycling

Trying to master the art of being alone- except for my husband. However, there is little communication there- sorry to say. He is a quiet, but kind man. Leave it at that. With him I remain content for the most part. Sometimes issues w his family, but as long as we keep our distance, I find some peace.
My relationships are few. One person- who gives the minimum- I have recently reunited w. I wonder if the reunion is wise?. I believe the reason she contributes so little- doesn’t call or invite me over- pre pandemic - is because of my anxiety. My anxiety levels are not always inviting. I understand that. Whereas I invite her over for meals and parties over again, she does not. - again- prepandenic.
Is it best to keep a relationship where one gives much -regardless of the circumstance - and one gives so little, or better to stay alone?
I read somewhere that some people come into your just life to teach you to be alone. Could this be the reward of my marriage ? Or one of the rewards?

As far as this relationship goes - I don’t feel I can really give less. Is it better to feel “ used” ( though I understand) or be alone?

and it consumed me. it destroy me from within. I didn’t know which way the water got hot. I know you didn’t ask for it, but you cared less. less and less each day. that sickness and in health tho.....

#vows #Being #Itry #Brain #Anxiety #Depression

I am 46 years old , I have had anxiety since I can remember , even I was school .
But now it is really bad ......I wake up every morning and immediately start wretching and being sick
I take anti sickness tablets but they don’t help
Has one got answers .......my doctor can’t seem to help me