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#Being dead

Life has gotten so out of control, I can’t find peace or happiness anywhere. I feel my heart skip beats or flutter and sometimes I have trouble catching my breath. I am a walking dead person!

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Happiness #Being happy

How can one be happy? This is a question which has bothered me all my life. Is there a particular formula to be happy?
Why are some people always happy?
The questions were endless and there never seemed to be an answer.

But over the years there's one thing that I have learned happiness is not something which has to be seeked it is something which has to come from within. You can have everything going on well in your life and still feel unhappy. The biggest mistake we make is that we associate happiness with the accomplishment of certain goals. This way of looking into happiness is never healthy.
We human beings are very bad predictors of what makes us happy and we overestimate how certain events can affect our lives. Just after you achieve your long awaited goal you will definitely feel happy but how long does it last. It's less than what you think and you always tend to overestimate .It just fades away and you are immediately in the quest for looking into something else to make you happy. The cycle just goes on and on.

But wouldnt it be great if you found happiness in the process or the journey rather than the end result.
At the end all that matters is being happy at the moment.Dont wait for things to happen certain way. Goals are important in life but they shouldn't be the reason for your happiness but you should be.


I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of myself.

I should explain that four years ago I lost a job I loved because of my illnesses. I worked as a theatre support worker during operations at a nearby hospital.

I absolutely loved that job. I tried so hard to always be a model employee, to do my job well. But one day, during a kidney removal I started to suddenly feel hot and tingly all over. When I woke up I was in a hospital bed; the nurses and staff in the operating theatre had carried me onto a trolley and sent me around to A&E.

I discovered soon after that accident that I’d developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome... I was given time off work but eventually theu decided to cut
me loose. And along with the POTS my bladder condition (insterstital cystitis) started to flare up and I ended up on morphine for a while. Luckily, I managed to kick that habit and now I’m taking Dihydrocodeine for my bladder and the joint pain I get from Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome.

Naturally, after I lost my job I was devasted. I fell into a deep depression. My health continued to get worth. It seemed like every time I went to the hospital for a check up, I was told I had something else wrong with me. Like Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease thats turned into Cirrohsis, and shortly after THAT diagnosis I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and I’m currently waiting for an Endoscopy on my stomach because I seem to have nearly all the symptoms of stomach ulcers.

I started to neglect myself. I didn’t take my medication, I stopped looking up and down the street before crossing the road, I stopped showing/bathing regularly. I’d go weeks, (which is gross - I know) without cleaning myself up. Everything was so exhausting. And I just didn’t have the energy.

A few weeks ago, however, I decided to start taking care of myself. I started taking my medication on time every day, I started bathing three times a week (our boiler is small and there are 5 of us in this house), I started styling my hair and putting on my face creams and wearing a little bit of make up. I feel good. But even more than all of this I’m exercising at least once every other day on my new bike.

I know these things are so small and don’t mean much... But I’m so proud of how far I’ve come.

#chronicillnesswarriors #ChronicHealthConditions #POTSUK #EDS #NAFLD #BPD #InterstitialCystitis #Diabetes #feelingbetter #Proudofmyself #Pleased #Being Sensible #LosingWeight #Cycling


#Being alone

Trying to master the art of being alone- except for my husband. However, there is little communication there- sorry to say. He is a quiet, but kind man. Leave it at that. With him I remain content for the most part. Sometimes issues w his family, but as long as we keep our distance, I find some peace.
My relationships are few. One person- who gives the minimum- I have recently reunited w. I wonder if the reunion is wise?. I believe the reason she contributes so little- doesn’t call or invite me over- pre pandemic - is because of my anxiety. My anxiety levels are not always inviting. I understand that. Whereas I invite her over for meals and parties over again, she does not. - again- prepandenic.
Is it best to keep a relationship where one gives much -regardless of the circumstance - and one gives so little, or better to stay alone?
I read somewhere that some people come into your just life to teach you to be alone. Could this be the reward of my marriage ? Or one of the rewards?

As far as this relationship goes - I don’t feel I can really give less. Is it better to feel “ used” ( though I understand) or be alone?

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I focused.....

and it consumed me. it destroy me from within. I didn’t know which way the water got hot. I know you didn’t ask for it, but you cared less. less and less each day. that sickness and in health tho.....

#vows #Being #Itry #Brain #Anxiety #Depression


#Anxiety #Being sick #Depression

I am 46 years old , I have had anxiety since I can remember , even I was school .
But now it is really bad ......I wake up every morning and immediately start wretching and being sick
I take anti sickness tablets but they don’t help
Has one got answers doctor can’t seem to help me

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40th Birthday

#Depression #Being alone The past few weeks have been really up and down I’m slowly beginning to feel better though. It’s my birthday today and I’m lucky I have such kind family and friends who care about me .... I put yo much pressure on myself because I’m single and I feel like it’s my fault that I havnt got a partner or children but no more of that from today onwards ..... it’s ok to be single and 40. I’m going to embrace every moment ❤️

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