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So, I’m feeling better.. | TW hospital, mentions of suicidal ideation and self harm, two swears

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I’m still alive. I mentioned how I was considering suicide without a plan to my therapist and she called the crisis team and ended up staying at a hospital for 3-4 days (which I really didn’t like). No one, including my therapist, saw coming about having to stay as the crisis team told me that if I didn’t like it there, I could leave.

That was a lie by the crisis team, intentionally or not intentionally so. However, my Dad explained to me why they say that anyway - they don’t know the individuals they are helping and want to help them incase they don’t go, they might end up hurting themselves more instead of getting the help that they need. Even my dad agreed that it helps most individuals, and that’s awesome, but there’s always that small percentage that will not work for them, and that includes me.

I, including my dad, all of my partners, and very likely my therapist as well, was so pissed that I had to stay there since Tuesday, and I left yesterday afternoon. All I got out of staying there was more anxiety, being more triggered, and medication (which I do hope does something, at least). I’m so glad that I moved up to another unit the day before I was discharged because I kept getting triggered by other patients’ outbursts that were happening everyday.

I was already done with suicidal thoughts a few hours after I got there the first day. I even scratched myself the second day (not in a suicidal way) because of how pissed off I was for not getting to leave that day me and my Dad wanted to (not in front of anyone or any camera, luckily, because I would hate to have to stay there even longer). I was grieving the life I had and felt like everything’s been stripped away from me. I wanted to see my dad again. I wanted my clothes back. I wanted my phone back. I wanted my polyamorous wedding ring back.

My dad knows everything that goes on with me. He knows what specific treatment I should be getting when it comes to therapy, and I always like talking to him about whatever is going on with me. He is very caring and understanding.

That hospital had good intentions, though. I understand that they couldn’t really do much about it because of laws (besides the doctor I had there making me leave early instead of 5-7 days, thank goodness for that), so I don’t blame them. But never again. I’m so happy I’m back home, and I’m so happy to see my dad again!! 🫂

#MentalHealth #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #Hospital #feelingbetter

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° " Hey There! GOOD MORNING!! FAM... " ° #feelingbetter 🤞

☆ " Well That Was An Extremely Interesting Experience... That I Never Want To Have Ever Again... Thank The God's For My 2 Shot's... After I'm Fully Negative I Retest On Mon. Before I Go Back To Work Make A Trip To The Doc To Get A Dumb. Note. I Had A Wierd Experience With Toothpaste Now. Whenever I Brush My Teeth. I Litterly Smell Black Licorice. I'm Not Joking... Idk If My Sensitive Smell Is Out Of Wack. I Can Definitely Still Taste Thing's. Own My Arm's Are Still Sore Apparently While... I'm Writing This To You Lol. But I Think This Wild Gnarly Ride Of A Crazy Train Is Over. Take Care Peep's Much Love XoXo ☆• Skaoi Kvitravn •☆ #AnUpdate

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Self Imposed Prison - Trapped in my own mind

When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

#Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

8 reactions 3 comments
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Feeling better

How do I feel better?It is by helping someone else even if it is a small gesture, like saying a kind word, listening or giving them a plate of cookies. This small gesture gives meaning to my life for a moment. #feelingbetter

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I felt well enough to change into real clothes! #feelingbetter

#CheerMeOn
I couldn’t get up to drive my son to school. Thankfully, my husband did it. I shuffled to the kitchen for breakfast, taking meds & filling up my water bottle. I sat down in my recliner. Daughter brought in the mail at 12:45. My new skirt came from Darn Good Yarn! It’s so beautiful I HAD to put it on. #thankful #happy #Energy #yay

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I fixed my problem!!

I ended up not dressing up, but ditching my English class to go into the park and blast my favorite playlist and dance like nobody was watching! I left feeling better than ever and realizing that I don't need make-up to feel good about myself!
#Depression #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharming #help #feelingbetter #thishelps

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Today is gonna be good!! #feelingbetter #COVID19 #JustBreathe #Anxiety

So first things first. I got my negative test results after have COVID for 2 weeks. I’m feeling better. Mostly a cough and fatigue left. On to the other thing. The plumbing in my house is fixed!!! I have been so stressed out over this and it has been a big trigger for bother my anxiety and migraines. I’m just so happy today and can’t wait todo laundry and take a hot shower.

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I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of myself.

I should explain that four years ago I lost a job I loved because of my illnesses. I worked as a theatre support worker during operations at a nearby hospital.

I absolutely loved that job. I tried so hard to always be a model employee, to do my job well. But one day, during a kidney removal I started to suddenly feel hot and tingly all over. When I woke up I was in a hospital bed; the nurses and staff in the operating theatre had carried me onto a trolley and sent me around to A&E.

I discovered soon after that accident that I’d developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome... I was given time off work but eventually theu decided to cut
me loose. And along with the POTS my bladder condition (insterstital cystitis) started to flare up and I ended up on morphine for a while. Luckily, I managed to kick that habit and now I’m taking Dihydrocodeine for my bladder and the joint pain I get from Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome.

Naturally, after I lost my job I was devasted. I fell into a deep depression. My health continued to get worth. It seemed like every time I went to the hospital for a check up, I was told I had something else wrong with me. Like Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease thats turned into Cirrohsis, and shortly after THAT diagnosis I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and I’m currently waiting for an Endoscopy on my stomach because I seem to have nearly all the symptoms of stomach ulcers.

I started to neglect myself. I didn’t take my medication, I stopped looking up and down the street before crossing the road, I stopped showing/bathing regularly. I’d go weeks, (which is gross - I know) without cleaning myself up. Everything was so exhausting. And I just didn’t have the energy.

A few weeks ago, however, I decided to start taking care of myself. I started taking my medication on time every day, I started bathing three times a week (our boiler is small and there are 5 of us in this house), I started styling my hair and putting on my face creams and wearing a little bit of make up. I feel good. But even more than all of this I’m exercising at least once every other day on my new bike.

I know these things are so small and don’t mean much... But I’m so proud of how far I’ve come.

#chronicillnesswarriors #ChronicHealthConditions #POTSUK #EDS #NAFLD #BPD #InterstitialCystitis #Diabetes #feelingbetter #Proudofmyself #Pleased #Being Sensible #LosingWeight #Cycling

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I’m being so good and I’m feeling stronger!

For the longest time, I didn’t take my meds at the time I was supposed to. I was always late taking them. But for the last month, since I was put on Gliclazide (a diabetic medication used to lower your blood sugar quickly) I’ve been taking my medication religiously. At the exact right time or on the dot. And I feel so so much better for it.

I’ve been cycling for at least 20minutes nearly every day since I bought the bike on the 19th May. I feel so much stronger. It’s gotten to a point where I actually like the ache that’s left in my legs after I’ve finished cycling.

Just being able to do something that helps my body AND have it be something I really enjoy is amazing. I don’t feel lazy anymore. I don’t feel useless and powerless. I’m truly happy.

#chronicillnesswarrior #ChronicHealthConditions #POTS #POTSUK #EDS #BPD #NAFLD #Diabetes #InterstitialCystitis #Exercise #Bike #Cycling #feelingbetter #BeingGood

4 comments