Bipolar 2 Disorder

Sometimes I wonder if the pain ever subsides. I was diagnosed with BPD about 10 years ago, Bipolar II 5 years ago and GAD 11 years ago.

Is not like I’m not getting better. I am. I am a lot better than even 6 years ago. When I found this psychiatrist, it was like a complete 180°. I went from three hospitalizations a year to one. I am aiming for 0 next year. The self-harm has significantly gone down. I was self-harm free for almost 3 years. I had a relapse earlier this year but have been self-harm free for 6 months coming up in 6 days now. I am so glad I’m working with her, but the thing is that this doesn’t just simply disappear.

The funny thing is that I was conducting some research about whether or not BPD ever goes away. Some reliable sources like Cleveland Clinic, Johns Hopkins, and Harvard hold to the traditional view that it’s a treatable and manageable lifelong condition. Other sources, reliable as well, say that it’s treatable, not curable, but a remitting disorder.

I don’t know how I feel about any of that. I wish I never had BPD in the first place, but since I have it and will deal with symptoms to some degree always (whether I’m above or below diagnostic threshold), I find it dismissive to say that BPD remits, or that “you no longer have it.” I feel like if I deal with symptoms and still struggle to some degree, then no one should take away the label that explained and validated my experience since I was a young teen. Does this happen to anyone?

I talked to my therapist about it. It is true that I identify with the disorder so much that it’s almost like I let it run my entire life. I don’t want that and I don’t want to be the BPD girl. That’s for sure. My therapist asked me questions that I couldn’t really answer, like what are the benefits of keeping the label. I couldn’t properly explain where I was coming from but since we talked and we tried to separate me from the disorder, I’ve come to realize that I’m much bigger than BPD symptoms. Yes, I might struggle, but that doesn’t mean I can’t build a life worth living.

Something that drove me to realize this was seeing a young man on Instagram. He had three fingers on his right hand and one on his left, yet he was playing piano. No excuses. I play piano. It’s hard to play with 10 fingers, so I can only imagine how hard it is to do it with only 4. So I thought, if he is not letting his disability hold him back from doing the things he likes and wants to do, why should I let my disorder dictate what I can or can’t do?

I want to continue being myself. I am a highly sensitive individual, like most, if not all, people with BPD. Being highly sensitive can be such a powerful quality. I just want to be me whether the label stays or goes.

Please share your experiences with this topic, please.

Hi, my name is AdmirableClam6209. I'm looking for info on Bipolar 2.

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