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I've recently started to notice myself disassociating quite a bit. Two to three times a day. I caught myself doing it the other day while driving. Recently I ran out of my medication, Vraylar - for my bipolar. When I called the pharmacy to check on my new prescription, they told me the cost was going to be $1,053!! Are you fucking kidding me?? That's fucking robbery!! My insurance doesn't kick in until the end of this month so I expected it to be a bit pricey but over $1,000?? I almost shit myself!! Well, needless to say, I had a minor meltdown and asked them if there was any discount program because I cannot be off these meds. They told me no. I nearly hung up right then but the "petty side" of me had to have the last word. Right before I hung up I yelled, "No wonder some people turn to illegal drugs!!" Inappropriate yes, do I feel bad? Only for the poor technician on the other end of the line. But seriously, people like me are reprimanded for how we choose to deal with the pain but yet the one thing that can help us level out is so expensive we might as well not waste our time. Catch 22 if you ask me.

The back and forth with medication and being off of my main one for four days before I started a new one has opened the door for me to slide into another episode. I can feel myself starting to get agitated more often than not, my fuse is getting shorter and shorter and my anger wants to take over at times, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and I want to sleep all the time to quiet my head down. I hate this. But I love it at the same time. I enjoy manic episodes because I'm organized, energetic, and happy. Even though I know it's all because of a fucking chemical imbalance in my brain - there have been times I've enjoyed the mania.

The one thing that I know, is the level our personal pain can take us to. More times than not I wonder if I was born with a need for love from the people who hate me. For most of my life, I've been blamed for my family's chaotic and sad life so I seem to believe that my life is only worth living if I can figure out how not to be Candis anymore. I am currently learning who I am. I am naive and easily manipulated. I don't know how to set healthy boundries, even with my children, and I'm always helping take care of someone else. When I would try to set boundaries while growing up, they were always crossed and ignored, so now as an adult, I have a hard time saying "no" to others.

As I get closer to becoming who I want to be, I get more away from those that want me to be the same. You know, we grow up with this image that our friends should want to encourage us and help us grow, but in all honesty, they don't have to. This is my responsibility to establish and maintain a healthy support system around me. It is my responsibility to remove myself from those that don't have good intentions.

Doing the hard shit is part of self-care. I'm pretty damn lazy. I despise the idea of having to not only take care of myself but the fact that I have to do so every day. I'm sure it would be a hott mess but life would be so much easier if I could stay in bed all day. The power that I have to consistently push myself to do things I don't want to do has been the most crucial trigger for my own self-awareness. Taking care of myself means being uncomfortable with who I am. Cry when shit gets hard. Don't get me wrong, being able to understand my emotions has not come easily, and it has not happened without spiraling back down into that vicious cycle all over again.

I was afraid when I first started to "feel" again because most of my emotional capabilities had been suppressed since about nine years old. No matter how put-together I try to be on the outside, I'm always a fucking mess on the inside. All these years of counseling, journaling, and sitting in the uncomfortable - have been necessary to even get close to my emotions. It wasn't just the tears that I cried from a lesson learned that made me feel human once in a while, but also the experience.

Years ago, I heard a quote that has stayed with me, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything." I need to decide what my priorities are. I've spent so much of my life without a sense of purpose or knowing who I am. The main reason that I didn't know who I am, is because I don't think I have fully dug deep enough into myself to establish what it means to be me. #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #Addiction #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #growth #Mania #bipolarmeds

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I Run Off Routine #MightyTogether #Depression #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Addiction #Medication #bipolarmeds

A few weeks ago I started to pay attention to how ‘out of sorts’ you could say, I would feel when I wouldn’t stick to my morning routine. Wake up, feed the dogs, straighten up the kitchen and living room, etc. When I would start back up on my routine, I seemed to have a sense of internal calmness. After doing some reading on bipolar disorder and talking to my therapist, routine is really what keeps people who struggle with bipolar together. I don’t understand why I continue to have these manic and depressive episodes if I am taking my medication. But, I said it myself on the About Me page of this website, you can follow all of your doctor’s instructions, take your medication, go to therapy and groups, and yet still everything can go wrong. I also have a tendency to take my medicine until I don’t.

I felt a little bit off a few days ago and I started that manic sleep cycle again. I noticed how I seemed to have more energy and started to write down all these goals to accomplish for the week. I couldn’t be having another manic episode, could I? I feel as if I just came down from one and I haven’t gathered enough strength yet to do it again. During my therapy session yesterday, I told her about skipping a few days on my meds again, not sleeping, increased energy, and being short-fused. She told me that I was starting to feel manic because, once again, I stopped my meds. I need to learn consistency. I can master a schedule or routine, but I can’t take my meds?


Our bipolar disorder community will support you through challenges and triumphs.

Avoiding the Spiral

I stopped taking all my medications about three months ago. I know, I know, a bad idea. I work in the mental health field and I would never encourage any of my clients to do that. So why did I? I’m not sure. I am so accepting of others needing medication but when it comes to me, I don’t want them. I don’t want to take a medication in order to want to stay alive. I don’t want a medication in order for my moods to be within an “appropriate range”. I hate it. So after I stopped taking them, I felt the hypomania which lasted a few weeks. Then a bit of a depressive slump, then back to hypomania.

I can feel a big depressive episode coming. I can tell and I’ve been chasing pleasure and excitement in order to avoid it but I can tell that it isn’t going to work much longer. So now I have to decide what my next move is.

I’m thankful I can recognize the signs of what’s coming. I’m thankful I can monitor myself enough to know where I’m at and what’s healthy and not healthy. I’m thankful I didn’t let myself slip too far down the rabbit hole yet.

I’m going to take some time this afternoon to put together a safety plan and a recovery plan. I’m going to make sure I’m taking time to take care of myself and time to do the things I love. I’m going to try to eat more and create a healthier sleeping schedule. I’m going to do everything I can to fight this while I still have the energy to do so.

#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar #Depression #bipolarmeds #SuicidalIdeation #recoveryplan


bipolar medication

i was diagnosed with bipolar last year after a summer in the pysch ward. ive been on a destructive journey and rebuilding my life
i feel paranoid and sometimes my thoughts seem pyschotic.
im on 600mg of quetiapine and 15mg of antidepressent
is that a large dose of quetiapine ?
#Bipolar #Quetiapine #help #bipolarmeds #Depression

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#PrescriptionMedications #bipolarmeds

Hello! I have a question...any suggestions on how to carry BP/Anxiety Meds. I just read an article that officers may confiscate these medications w/o doctor documentation. I would think having it in the bottles would be sufficient. Thoughts? Thanks!🙂


What reminder methods do you use to remember your meds??

I'm struggling to remember to take my meds. Some days I'm great, and remember to take everything without a problem, and other days I can barely remember to bring my teeth, let alone to take meds at the right times. I'm curious how you guys all remember, and hoping to find a method that will work for me too. #Bipolar #meds #bipolarmeds