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I've recently started to notice myself disassociating quite a bit. Two to three times a day. I caught myself doing it the other day while driving. Recently I ran out of my medication, Vraylar - for my bipolar. When I called the pharmacy to check on my new prescription, they told me the cost was going to be $1,053!! Are you fucking kidding me?? That's fucking robbery!! My insurance doesn't kick in until the end of this month so I expected it to be a bit pricey but over $1,000?? I almost shit myself!! Well, needless to say, I had a minor meltdown and asked them if there was any discount program because I cannot be off these meds. They told me no. I nearly hung up right then but the "petty side" of me had to have the last word. Right before I hung up I yelled, "No wonder some people turn to illegal drugs!!" Inappropriate yes, do I feel bad? Only for the poor technician on the other end of the line. But seriously, people like me are reprimanded for how we choose to deal with the pain but yet the one thing that can help us level out is so expensive we might as well not waste our time. Catch 22 if you ask me.
The back and forth with medication and being off of my main one for four days before I started a new one has opened the door for me to slide into another episode. I can feel myself starting to get agitated more often than not, my fuse is getting shorter and shorter and my anger wants to take over at times, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and I want to sleep all the time to quiet my head down. I hate this. But I love it at the same time. I enjoy manic episodes because I'm organized, energetic, and happy. Even though I know it's all because of a fucking chemical imbalance in my brain - there have been times I've enjoyed the mania.
The one thing that I know, is the level our personal pain can take us to. More times than not I wonder if I was born with a need for love from the people who hate me. For most of my life, I've been blamed for my family's chaotic and sad life so I seem to believe that my life is only worth living if I can figure out how not to be Candis anymore. I am currently learning who I am. I am naive and easily manipulated. I don't know how to set healthy boundries, even with my children, and I'm always helping take care of someone else. When I would try to set boundaries while growing up, they were always crossed and ignored, so now as an adult, I have a hard time saying "no" to others.
As I get closer to becoming who I want to be, I get more away from those that want me to be the same. You know, we grow up with this image that our friends should want to encourage us and help us grow, but in all honesty, they don't have to. This is my responsibility to establish and maintain a healthy support system around me. It is my responsibility to remove myself from those that don't have good intentions.
Doing the hard shit is part of self-care. I'm pretty damn lazy. I despise the idea of having to not only take care of myself but the fact that I have to do so every day. I'm sure it would be a hott mess but life would be so much easier if I could stay in bed all day. The power that I have to consistently push myself to do things I don't want to do has been the most crucial trigger for my own self-awareness. Taking care of myself means being uncomfortable with who I am. Cry when shit gets hard. Don't get me wrong, being able to understand my emotions has not come easily, and it has not happened without spiraling back down into that vicious cycle all over again.
I was afraid when I first started to "feel" again because most of my emotional capabilities had been suppressed since about nine years old. No matter how put-together I try to be on the outside, I'm always a fucking mess on the inside. All these years of counseling, journaling, and sitting in the uncomfortable - have been necessary to even get close to my emotions. It wasn't just the tears that I cried from a lesson learned that made me feel human once in a while, but also the experience.
Years ago, I heard a quote that has stayed with me, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for everything." I need to decide what my priorities are. I've spent so much of my life without a sense of purpose or knowing who I am. The main reason that I didn't know who I am, is because I don't think I have fully dug deep enough into myself to establish what it means to be me. #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #Addiction #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #growth #Mania #bipolarmeds