I don't know if this needs it but just in case I'll include #TriggerWarnings.
I feel this is very difficult to say in an articulate manner, so apologies if I am being crude or inadvertently insensitive.

I have reached a point of my illnesses that I am now very seriously less concerned with risk of #overdose compared to risk of #Suicide . I am not being treated effectively (or *at all* for acute knee injury) for #ChronicPain that is causing more #SuicidalThoughts than my #Depression , #Anxiety and #CPTSD combined.

I need help. #CheckInWithMe
I have an appt tomorrow with my psychiatric nurse practitioner. I have multiple #ChronicIllness (es) and I have #CPTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #DiabetesType1 #Fibromyalgia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #Scoliosis #CarpalTunnelSyndrome #TriggerFinger ... aaaaannnnddd the list goes on. I am struggling daily "recovering" from a knee surgery I never should've had, a grade IV tear of my tendon on the opposite leg/ foot, neither a good leg to stand on. I have needed to use my crutches for a year and a half which has now caused permanent damage to my hands. the trigger finger pain in my hands is far greater because I had no clue my carpel tunnel had returned. I am unable to walk without supportive braces/ crutches and I have just re-injured my knee that has landed me back on both crutches. I am awaiting prior authorization for my wheelchair. I attempted to harm myself this summer, which has now become part of my permanent medical record and cruelly misdiagnosed a multitude of new barriers. when I say that I attempted to harm myself, I say that lightly but seriously. I knew I needed help because my pain (emotional, mental, spiritual, physical etc.) caused me to write a letter. I had to be honest with myself that even if this was only a "just in case" letter, the very fact I wrote it was enough to warrant help.
here's what really troubles me: I *harmed* myself by stealing pain medicine from someone I loved and who trusted me. I am not a thief nor a liar. I truly believe that I was more bothered by the extreme shame I felt than by the non-lethal combination of medication I took in an effort to finally sleep through the night, just one night.
I am deeply embarrassed writing this... I have been on long term #Benzodiazepines, I am a fully compliant and responsible non-abusing patient, and I literally took two pain pills at a time of the five I stole., thus the issue of "failing" a drug test for which I completely and honestly told on myself. I was totally transparent.
I am severely depressed, but I am severely crippled by the physical pain that has exacerbated the emotional struggle and thus the internal problem of risk vs benefit. if you made it through my rambling, I thank you sincerely. even if you only skimmed, I still thank you sincerely. Namaste🙏