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Profoundness of it all life, death, and all the in-betweens
I have so many feelings today. My life is equal parts peace and chaos right now.
I am currently one of five caretakers to a dying elder. She’s my friend, adopted mom in Ohio, since my own is in Texas. Technically, she’s my daughter in laws grandmother but my heart doesn’t care or know the difference. She’s family, and I love her.
She was diagnosed with cancer in August of last year. She started hospice last week. Small cell lung cancer which has metastasized to her brain, bones, etc. We thought we were going to lose her last week after she contracted a stomach bug, but she made her way back.
I don’t know if this is her “rally” or if she’s just bouncing back for a rally later down the line. All I know is we don’t have much more time. I just want her to make it to her birthday weekend in ten days, so she can see her sister who’s flying in and be with all her family in the nice weather. That’s my final wish for her.
I’ve never actively been involved in a human’s dying process, but as a widow, I am a close personal friend of death and grief. I’ve had so much practice it’s almost funny. Almost.
I’ve been reading a book by Suzanne O’Brien (former oncology, hospice nurse turned author and creator of Doulagivers Institute) called The Good Death. Hoping it will help support me and help me navigate uncharted territory while offering support to both her and her family. It’s been helpful and eye opening. Practical and comforting.
In the meantime, a friend of mine posted about watching a show (based on a true story) called “Dying for Sex” on Hulu. I actually had it on my playlist to watch. When she posed the questions about sharing what we thought after watching it, that prompted me to bump it up on my watch list.
Last night after a twelve-hour sitting, (while working my regular day job, remotely) I was struggling with winding down. I decided it was a good time to watch the show. Of course I binged it until the wee hours, because it’s that good. Seriously.
This is what I wrote her as my “feedback” about the show.
“I don't know if I even have proper adjectives available to explain the profoundness of this show. The million taboo and raging topics it slashed through or the generations of emotions I am still going through but, Wow! As I am in the middle of taking care of my “Ohio” momma & friend who is currently in hospice with bone cancer, just Wow! I'm healing and being broken and angry and sad and joyful and contracted and expanded all at once. It wasn't a show. It was my life....so many of our lives... crashing together against the stars.” - I will never be the same.
Watch it., so you'll never be the same either. #Cancer #Caregiver #Death #Therapy #Grief
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