Bpdmindgames

I'm so tired of not knowing what gut feelings are real or just fear taking it's hold on me. I'm so fucking desperate for security I'm too the point of spiraling in search for it because my girlfriend doesn't get it and idk if she even wants to. Which sucks the most but when I get bad it pushes her away because I'm being crazy. I made an appointment today for the first time since 2018 so I'm hopeful. I'm really struggling though. I just want to toss the stuff in my head around with someone else but I don't have many friends and the ones I have are just going to get worried and scared which is the opposite of what I want. I only want to tell them things because I know they want me to tell them when I get bad but I always feel guilty for getting bad so why would I tell I'm probably just making it up though right I'm over being called crazy. And I'm smothered under keeping my mental health to myself but if i don't someone else makes the blame their problem and that's literally the opposite of what I want even when it is their fault. Sucks to be manic but also self aware.  #overthinking #Bpdmindgames
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #kindafunny

a girl who has no control, who acts like a child
has so many problems and she has let them define her.
she falls apart every day,
shattering - in to a million tear stained pieces.
And she needs you.
That’s what she tells you.
She tells you she’s broken.
You tell her she’s not.
She tells you she’s un-loveable.
You say it’s not true.
You go around in circles.
Slowly your words loose meaning,
You repeat the words when she needs them
But your lying you both know it.   
You want to help her,
give her what she needs,
But you can’t do it.
She needs love. But how are you meant to give that,
If there’s nothing to love - 
But the husk of a girl, who once was or once could be? 
How do you save her?
 If she won’t let you save her.
She just Screams and cries never taking the rope you throw her.
How do you pull away when she won’t let you go?
How do you stay when she tells you to go?
How do you compete with the voices she hears in her mind?
When she refuses to hear you refuses to try.
Round and round.
Up and down.
Push and pull.
Hit then hold.
Contradictions, manipulations, unconscious mind games.
Devastating desolation.

I am struggling with my narcissist ex, who has made me believe a small portion in my brain that he loves me. He actually doesn’t love me and just in the love with the idea of me loving him. Every time I go into a new relationship, he starts freaking out and puts all his efforts into getting me back and when I actually get back he blames everything back on me.

The problem with my head is...somebody just needs to say something that I fear just once and it will make a hole in my head and I can’t seem to fill that up on my own...whatever I do, it just won’t get filled up. I need that same person to fill it up and as you know no person in the world who actually loves you will do that to you....so yeah that person will never do anything and my head would just be left scarred all my life. What the hell is wrong with me. Is it bpd or it’s just normal? No matter how high I keep the walls around me, it doesn’t shield me from my fears.

#Bpdmindgames

My Mother and I have a strained relationship in that she has toxic behaviors that really trigger my BPD and results in huge blowouts. She has reached out this morning to mend fences, however, I am not sure she understands why I reacted that way and if she gets what she did. Do we forgive people for not understanding or do you risk a bigger fight to explain the actual problem. #Bpdmindgames #Mothers #Forgiveness #Toxicmom

From the time you wake up till the time you sleep, you have to constantly validate yourself and ask yourself why are you feeling this way!

Why is your head aching? - My head is aching but I don’t know why...might be because I cannot find anything that makes me happy. I need to take care of someone to make me happy. I need to have something to look forward to, to make me happy. That’s all I could think of.

Shall we find someone ? - No, everybody is going to hurt you.

What about making plans or buying something new? - There is nobody to enjoy those with.

Whatever you are feeling is ok. Everybody feels that way. - You don’t know anything. When will the headache end.

Let’s just wait till you fall asleep again.

#bpdsymptoms #Bpdmindgames

I recently lost my job due to my chronic pain illnesses... 5 weeks in and my BPD moods have decided to play funny games with my head again. My mood swings are terrible atatm, i don't know how i feel from one moment to the next, dont expect others too.. However when i reached out to a friend of mine saying "I need a friend" followed by "doesn't matter" i thought they'd at least check in with me to see if am ok and nothing... I really do feel like I've lost everyone, work colleagues and friends.

So I’ve been seeing a lot of BPD tagged posts talking about an fp and decided to finally google it.... and damn things are making a lot of sense. What the Mighty article said was that an fp is more than a best friend, they are an emotional dependency, someone who can “make or break” your day.

I’ve been in an argument with a friend and I’m taking it a lot worse than with other people and I’m swinging hard into devaluation and I realized it’s because I consider them my fp. Honestly tho it sucks, because as I like always say people are unreliable and I didn’t even realize that I gave this person this power. I want, more than anything, to take it back. To be in control of my own emotions and not have some small thing they do set me off. At least I know now.
#Bpdmindgames #Bpdisexhausting #betterdaysahead

Growing up anger was not an emotion that was tolerated, well neither were other negative emotions, but it’s been easier for me to learn to handle and accept them. When it comes to anger... I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, if I had to describe it: it doesn’t feel valid. Whenever I’m angry I always try to break down why or if there are hidden emotions. Even my outbursts are pretty contained, the only time you can see I can’t control my anger is if I tear up.
It’s made these past few days difficult. I’m angry and I don’t know why so I can’t even take care of it. I’m also angry that I can’t let this other anger go and on top of all that I’m just exhausted from feeling so much emotion. I don’t know how to let the unknown anger go, but I really want to. #Bpdmindgames #Bpdisexhausting

So last week I had posted that I was really struggling because I was unbelievably lonely and my support person hasn’t been able to be around for me lately because her son has brain cancer. While I totally understand that she can’t be there, my BPD is raging and telling me that she doesn’t care, that she has abandoned me, and she just have the time for me anymore. I feel really selfish and stupid because I am acting out and texting her hurtful things. Luckily she understands my BPD and where it is coming from.

However, I feel even more horrible today because this morning she found her 19 year old son (not the one with brain cancer) unresponsive and that he had passed in the middle of the night. I HATE my and the games that it plays with my head. It is so hard for me to put the brakes on and realize what I am saying. I just hope that in the coming weeks that I can be sensitive to her needs and know that she loves me even if she can’t be there for me. I need to be her ROCK now....

Any suggestions on how to put the brakes on before you say something?? #BPDProblems #supportperson #Bpdmindgames #stop #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Urges to #Selfharm are bad tonight... I have this emotional jambalaya on the go and the anxiety fire is stoked. So much going on in my head and heart and I can’t keep up. And it’s just one of those days when forces greater than me have taken my supports out of the game. I just need somewhere for it to be heard that I am hurting, but I don’t know where to say it. #Bpdmindgames