mothers

(Recently I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and it was caused by my parents' trauma)
We have always had our difficulties. I grew up with my father and I only saw my mother every two weeks. (That wasn't a good time for me either) Then I moved in with my mom - it was like hell. She was clingy, always criticizing me, invalidating me and in the end emotionally abusive. Her husband was no different. He is choleric and I was traumatized. I was only useful when I helped around the house, and even then there was always something wrong. My brother was the sunshine. Although he is simply a sociopath, he was allowed much more than I was. I tried to explain to her many times what was bothering me about our relationship, but she always didn't care. That's why I eventually gave up on it.

Now I live in my own apartment (800 meters away from my girlfriend) and have broken off contact. With my mother, her husband and my brother. And I am doing better. Much better. However, she has also been pressuring me, ringing up a storm, and I knew it was her. They didn't stop until I sent them a letter saying I needed time and to stop doing that. Since then, there has been nothing. I have been doing better since then. Lately, I've been thinking about writing to her more often. But honestly, I don't want to. I don't want contact because I'm afraid of criticism, anger, disappointment and pain. I can't. So, am I the asshole for not talking to her? #EmotionalAbuse #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Mothers

So my mom passed last week. The week before she passed we were at the Drs office as they delivered the news that my mom had a few weeks left to live. My mom brought up my oldest brother and said I know that my brother didn’t rape you.
This was not a time or place I wanted to talk about it.

My mother and I never fully talked about what occurred with my brother when I was younger. My brother on more than one occasion was inappropriate with me as a child. I talked to him for most of my adulthood. A few years back I had flashbacks of the situations. Which I can see clearly as if they were yesterday. I decided it was too difficult for me to continue to act like nothing happened.

My mother basically wanted me to forgive my brother. Without knowing fully what the situations were. So my Mother on her deathbed wanted me to forgive and makeup with my brother.

I feel guilty as my mother has passed and I know that this would have made her so happy. Idk what to do. If I do it for my mom as it was her dying wish. Or stand strong and continue to feel guilty even thou I did nothing wrong.
#Mothers #BereavedMothersDay #mother #ChildAbuse #RapeSurvivors #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #Survivor of rape and or molestation

#Grief , #Depression ,#emotional and verbal abuse by my mom,
Both have been gone for 20+ years! But these special days leave me feeling lots of angst toward mom .
I was recently validated by my oldest brother that mom didn't want me!
I was a daddy's girl but even that was tempered by mom, she ran interference when he and I spent time together via phone and in person.
I am 70 yrs old and was born 3 months early, so I was a challenge for my stay at home mom. Very sickly and died several times my first year of life.
Today I spent quality time with a friend in phone call. I used my coloring apps and word search to keep above board. Made sure to eat and drink. Self care 💅 time.

#self care for me through the day which was my plan.

What if I stopped all human contact forever? I'm hurting both me and everyone around me, there's no cure for my disorder so I can't change anything ... what if I decided to let everyone go. I have to set them free, I don't have any friends, I've managed to get rid of them in the past couple of years. But I'm stuck with my mom, she's the only one who wants me. I asked her to stop being my mother 2 days ago, I wished her loneliness and pain. I wish I could just die already, I've tried many times nothing seems to work. I feel immortal. There are many people sick or dying every day, due to the virus, out of poverty or hunger, etc ... They're fighting to live another day, I wish I could give them my life span and take theirs. I have everything and so much more, and yet my soul is suffering.
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#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Isolation #Death #SuicidalThoughts #Mothers