bpdsymptoms

I wanted to think a bit about the idea that people who deal with BPD are manipulative. It seems to come up in the scant writing that's out there about the disorder, and it's an aspect of the condition with which I've been wrestling.

But before I start, I just want to reiterate that what I'm writing is my own perspective and experience. I don't claim any authority. I'm just telling you how it is for me.

If I described to you the way that my thought process moves, especially in terms of interactions with other people, I could certainly see where the idea of manipulative would come from. Though quite chaotic in general, I am a planner in interpersonal relationships. I think for hours, sorting through possibilities, playing out interactions, until I come across the exact right words, behaviours, or exchanges to achieve my desired ends. Like, yeah, that sounds pretty cold and manipulative. It would be weird to be the focus of such a practice. I could see it being off-putting.

If I were what our culture considers “neurotypical.”

How I've described it above is how I've seen it represented in some reading I've done. That idea that BPD verges on sociopathy with regard to how we manage our interactions with others. So let me fill in some of the blanks that I intentionally left in the previous description.

I think for hours about all of the things I shouldn't do that might, with just cause or not, make the people I'm going to be around want to be around me less. Since my diagnosis, I am acutely aware of this and still do the wrong thing sometimes. I play out every possibility that could lead to the best outcome for everyone involved, because if everyone is happy with the outcome, there's less chance they'll harbour some resentment toward me for something, anything I've done. I have conversations, draw on my education in literature to choose exactly the right words to provoke the right responses because if I leave it to the moment, if I wing it, I think there's far more chance I'll do damage than good.

And the worst part? It almost never works. It almost always backfires.

We are not manipulative. We are meticulous. We are keenly aware that,any interaction can push away the people who help us to thrive, with just cause or not. It is terrifying.

It is absolutely terrifying.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #bpdsymptoms

Had a rough day and upset someone I’m close to this evening. My mind is playing tricks on me and telling me he’s super upset. Been sober for a few weeks and I purchased some alcohol tonight. Holding myself accountable and trying not to drink it.

I was asked if I felt defined by my condition and honestly the answer is yes. Even on my “good” days I still feel this emptiness and stress. Trying to stay on top of my emotions often creates a mess, there’s so much going on in my mind that I can never express.

My BPD consumes me, it’s always there,
I’m paying for my abusers actions which isn’t fair, I’m left emotionally damaged from the things that they did, when they were the ones who chose to abuse A KID!

BPD has ruined my friendships and makes it’s difficult to cope, but i will continue to never give up hope.
I have faith that I will find the happiness I deserve to receive and not have my whole world fall down when someone decides to leave. I will learn to trust and let people in but most importantly I WONT LET MY BPD WIN!! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #bpdsymptoms #Bpdisexhausting #BPDStigma #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #bpdawareness #mentalhealthpoetry #Poetry

This is my first post here cause i searched on how to deal with the end of a relationship for someone with BPD and i found this app :)
I had to put an end to this relationship,that had become only a meeting for a night or two with a person i tried to and had a relationship many times,with a come and go that hurted me every time even more,creating a sort of dipendence by him.Also he has many narcissistic ways to bring me back to him. But now that there’s no coming back,i feel like i should be feeeling free and relieved by the lost of the weight of this toxic relationship,but in reality i’m not. I still feel like i’m not worthy of living anymore,that i need constant romantic validation.I hate myself for the fact that i couldn’t let him go sooner or that while he has already moved on i know that because of my BPD it will take my much a longer time.We were trauma bonded,and that i think was one of the many reasons things between us couldn’t work.
I feel hopeless,like i lost myself,but i know that this feeling is temporary.
I realized that i gave myself to him so much that i couldn’t give myself time to appriciate myself and love myself more. Dealing with these much intensity of emotions it’s feeling like it’s killing me,but because it’s my first time dealing with this kind of ending i really don’t know what to do and i’m looking for someone who can kinda give me some advice on moving on and giving myself love when i’m used to give my all to others :))

love u all xx
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Breakups #bpdsymptoms #narcissisticabusesurvivor

I posted this the other day on my profile and was told I should maybe share it here....#notalone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder 🥰you all🤩

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I have to have a slight rant real quick to all my fellow Borderlines! 😃I can not stand how people, no matter how many times you tell them, just don't get why are feelings are effected so severe and instantly. I mean WE KNOW you don't get it and that's ok but we outright tell you how certain things make us feel like a worthless person then please stop doing it. I am glad that things come second nature to you but we hate the way we are because it doesn't come that way to us. I hate that because of something that you say to use can make us go instantly from being happy and in a great mood and energetic to completely depress and physically feel sick with just a few of your words.

We know you don't get it and that is why we never want to tell anyone our feelings because you will dismiss us as being 'dramatic' or stupid or dumb etc....and after YOU FORCE US TO TELL YOU WHAT IS WRONG!....I mean we know what is coming and we already feel like shit so we don't need to tell you and then in turn have you tell us how are feelings are wrong and don't make sense etc... Yes we know it is not healthy to hold our emotions in but it is better then letting them out only to be ridiculed about it.

We would love and need support more than anything but we are not going to risk people hurting us any more. That is why we have therapists so we can try to be more like you (which I don't think is any better and is worse in a lot of ways)...and at least we are working on being better when there are things that you could work on but we don't point it out because we are nice.

I really think my two Love Languages hits the nail on the head. my fist is Acts of Service and my second is Touch. I always want to help anyone. It makes me feel good to help others and I know what it is like to feel the way we feel so intensely and I don't want anyone ever have feelings like that...so I will do whatever I can to help you wether I have known you my whole life or do not know you at all. That is why I trust everyone instantly and judge no one. I trust way to much people will tell me but in actuality you trust way to little!....Ok made myself cry a bit so I am going to end my rant there lol.#

I have to have a slight rant real quick to all my fellow Borderlines! 😃I can not stand how people, no matter how many times you tell them, just don't get why are feelings are effected so severe and instantly. I mean WE KNOW you don't get it and that's ok but we outright tell you how certain things make us feel like a worthless person then please stop doing it. I am glad that things come second nature to you but we hate the way we are because it doesn't come that way to us. I hate that because of something that you say to use can make us go instantly from being happy and in a great mood and energetic to completely depress and physically feel sick with just a few of your words.

We know you don't get it and that is why we never want to tell anyone our feelings because you will dismiss us as being 'dramatic' or stupid or dumb etc....and after YOU FORCE US TO TELL YOU WHAT IS WRONG!....I mean we know what is coming and we already feel like shit so we don't need to tell you and then in turn have you tell us how are feelings are wrong and don't make sense etc... Yes we know it is not healthy to hold our emotions in but it is better then letting them out only to be ridiculed about it.

We would love and need support more than anything but we are not going to risk people hurting us any more. That is why we have therapists so we can try to be more like you (which I don't think is any better and is worse in a lot of ways)...and at least we are working on being better when there are things that you could work on but we don't point it out because we are nice.

I really think my two Love Languages hits the nail on the head. my fist is Acts of Service and my second is Touch. I always want to help anyone. It makes me feel good to help others and I know what it is like to feel the way we feel so intensely and I don't want anyone ever have feelings like that...so I will do whatever I can to help you wether I have known you my whole life or do not know you at all. That is why I trust everyone instantly and judge no one. I trust way to much people will tell me but in actuality you trust way to little!....Ok made myself cry a bit so I am going to end my rant there lol.#

She could tell you everything about me. About my favorite color, black. “Like my soul.” I know, so cliche. I dont really care for cliche things, and I try to stay away from trends. She could tell you that. She could tell you my favorite food is buffalo wings but I never tried them until.i was 19 and now I eat so many to make up for lost time. She could share how long ago I left my home town, Philly, and moved around before settling South. My mother was toxic, she could confirm and share a story or two of mine. She could tell how about my absent father and how after we had met he had a heart attack, and I told him he wasnt allowed to leave me yet because he owed me 21 years. She could probably go on and on about my abusive ex and his violent ways and unbelievable manipulation and how he could never compare to the beautiful angel I currently have in my life. Maybe she will gossip and share the embarrassing things that once turned my face red, and filled me with anxiety. She could tell it all. Because she knows everything about me. Though, we just met 30 minutes ago at the bus stop.
#Borderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Y  #BPD #bpdsymptoms

My boyfriend of 3yrs, who's 12 years older, told me he wanted to ask me a question but I didn't need to answer right away. He asked that I think about it.

Then, he made the statement: I'm preparing to retire in 5 to 7 years and you're just beginning your career. I don't want to spend my retirement waiting around for you at work. If I want to go out of town randomly, I don't want to have to wait.

I've attempted 3x since this day to get him to talk about this further. Because what I hear is, in 5 to 7 years I'm going my own way and you should too. I asked him in a letter format if this is his thought process, please tell me & we can go separate ways now.

He avoids the topic but doesn't understand why I'm guarded.

By guarded, I'm smiling but deep down all of my walls are back up. "He's leaving like everyone else" "he's not committed" "jump ship while you can" etc....

I'm completely torn if I'm right or over thinking the whole thing. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #bpdsymptoms

I'm new to mighty but wanted to say hello. I am almost positive my wife suffers from BPD. We've been together for 13 years and although most of it has been wonderful I have definitely seen the pain she suffers.

I joined here to get more information on dealing with her more appropriately. I've done a lot of research on the topic. My wife says she has aspergers but has never been diagnosed with that. I would not bring to her attention my suspicious of BPD because I feel that would anger her and make her feel more unworthy.

Thank you all for a great community. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #bpdsymptoms