I don't know what to do. I just know I'm miserable. I battle depression and anxiety since I was 14 years old when the first time I told my mother I felt like it was something wrong with me and thar I needed a psychiatrist. She laughed it off turned her back. Now I'm 55 ans she still does the same thing and it hurts like hell. She wants me to listen to her when she talks about how sick my uncle is and how she's worried about him and I get it but it's constant everyday all day she talks about him. This is the same man that said inappropriate things to me when I was an 8-year-old and I've never spoken about it. Then I have to listen to How one of her friends has severe back pain and she's in so much pain and she just doesn't know what she's going to do. Although I am in therapy, I wish I could talk to my mother she's the only one I have but every time I attempt she either corrects me, dismisses me or doesn't think my illness is real and important. And the last 4 months I've had three severe migraines where I was unable to get out of bed nor was I able to open my eyes due to the bright light. I go downstairs and every single light in the house is on. She said me when I did come downstairs what these lights don't bother me you can turn them off if they bother you. Bother me? If feel like someone is constantly putting a camera flash in my eyes and punching me in the back of the head. She has always downplayed any symptoms I've had that are related to my depression and anxiety. Although I'm an adult, I still want to be close to my mother. She'll be 80 years old soon and I feel like I'm going to go before she does. It hurts too much. Every time I hear about a suicide I always say to her oh my God they must have been in so much pain. I know how that feels, I say to her and I get no response. After being on my own for 25 plus years due to a mental breakdown and financial difficulties I had to move back home. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. The traumatized little girl in me still thinks she's mean.
We live in a fairly large house and I think the best thing I need to do for myself and my mental health is to stay clear of her and to never discuss my mental illness with her I'll just sit there and listen to her vent about other people's pain. In order for me to get through this life I'm going to have to learn to deal with her and conclude that she just does not care about that part of me. She makes me feel so alone. I just want to crawl into the deepest darkest corner of a room and just stay there.
I'm sorry for such a long post and I did not proofread it so I'm sure there are many grammar mistakes but I'm going to bed now and hopefully I can sleep peacefully. Thank you guys for being there. #Suicide #Toxicmom #BipolarDepression