Hi, I'm Megan, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a little over a year ago. I'm 29 years old. & I just wanted to share what I have learned about myself and my symptoms. I tend to get triggered alot by what people say and I sometimes go into a rage and then become numb, I dissociate alot more lately just because I'm so tired of feeling depressed or angry all the time so I feel numb when I dissociate with the world around me. I have major emotional mood swings and tend to have suicidal thoughts once in a while, lately I have been having skitzoeffective tendencies and I have researched and that is normal for people with personality disorders. Now I'm trying to deal with that. The best thing I do to help me is I have done a bpd workbook by Daniel fox and I have learning coping skills from that b book, a big one for me is take a break from the situation and question all the facts, Journaling and music really help me as well to calm down during mood swing episodes i get from having BPD.
I hope this letter finds you well. How are you?
I don't think I'll ever get to know, but I hope
you are doing fine. It saddens me And to be
honest, not a day has gone by that I haven't
though about you. I still watch our photos
from time to time and it still makes me
smile, and at the same time it makes me cry.
I will never forget you. Even if the memories
hurt, I don't ever want to forget you. You'll
always have a special place in my heart
because you were and will be my 'special'
love. We had something special. You walked
into my life one day and you made me realize
that you were everything that I needed and
wanted. I thought you were the one for me,
and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with
You were my lover and my best friend. I
could always count on you. We had
everything planned out. After we get settled
than our marriage, then married life and all.
But somewhere along the way, we lost track
of it. I tried to bring back the flame, but it
ended up burning everything down.
I'm sorry. I'd be lying if I said I don't miss you.
Because even before we ended, I've been
missing you for much longer than that, I
wanted us to be together 24/7. I miss you
leaning on my shoulder, I miss my'
'comfy-spot'. I miss me lifting you in in terrace, ,I
miss me starring at you in public cause i
didn't have a care in the world. It was just
you and me.I
think that you did give your 100% to tolerate me.#
You loved me in a way no one else did. You
became a part of me. I grew in the love that
you gave me, and I'll forever be thankful.
You are the love of my life. Always will be.
But love doesn't conquer all, and the reality
is, not everyone gets to hold on to the love of
their lives. But this doesn't mean that l'm
giving up on the possibility of us being
together again. If we're meant for each other,
we'll find our way back to each other.
I had to let go trying because you were no
longer happy seeing me. I was continuously
suffocating and hurting you. I didn't really
have a choice. The tears had to end, and I
didn't want to get to the point where we start
hating each other. Although you probably
hate me now, I'm still hoping that someday
you'll learn to forgive me. I'm hoping that
you'll understand why we became to be like
this and you want to give it a go again.
Nevertheless, your significance in my life will
never change. I love you enough that I would
still want you in my life even if I'm no longer
your reason to be happy. I thought you would,
too. Thank you for the memories, the good
and the bad, and I'll forever cherish them till
the day I leave this world. I was lucky to have
met you. After all, not everyone gets to meet
their love of the lives, and I know in my heart
and mind, that you were mine. I'm sorry for
the times I have hurt you and made you cry. I
Contrary to popular (and mostly wrong) belief, there are positive attributes to having BPD. Of course it doesn't negate how miserable and destructive this disorder is to our everyday life, but it does shine what little light there is on our personalities 🥴 If you couldn't tell, I have a grim outlook on everything, but I'm at least trying!
For one, people with BPD tend to be very creative and expressive through art. I'm not sure what exactly the correlation is, but we do tend to have a community of artists amongst our crowd!
Which then is really no surprise with how insightful we are, having resume-quality experience with emotional turmoil, manic euphoria, and overwhelming numbness. And because we endure this emotional rollercoaster 24/7, we understand some of the deepest and most painful situations and emotions.
We have our lows, and then we have our lowest lows. But continuing with the black-and-white trend of our disorder, that also means we have our highs and highest highs! We love unconditionally, with the purest love that could almost out-beat a mother's. Almost.
And it all goes to say, with the daily shitstorm we fight off every minute, from the criticisms, biases, perfect imperfections, and the fact that our own brains are literally try to kill us, we are probably one of the strongest group of people in the world. I said what I said ❤️
#bpdpositives #bpdawareness #Borderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorderawareness #borderlinepersonality #borderlinerecovery #Bpdfeels #bpdlife #Bpdstruggles #Bpdrecovery #bpdthings #bpdwarrior #Bpdsupport #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealth #mentalhealthmatters #thebpdproject #thebpdp
It's my favorite time of my life - mental breakdown, BPD overload! 🙃 As if losing one's job, learning that the love of your life has been cheating on you, and mourning your mom's death as if it was yesterday is a lot already, let's just add a BPD relapse into the mix!
And since I'm going through a lot of rapid emotions, the usual BPD criteria, and waiting for my insurance to be approved to start @talkspace again (just wait for the post I have planned for that!) I figured I would do a re-post (more fitting to the brand now!) of the 9 criteria of BPD!
Designated by the DSM-5, at least five or more of these traits must be met in order to be diagnosed with BPD, and even then most therapists or psychiatrists will take a deeper dive into each to really solidify the diagnosis - it took me a year to finally convince my therapist that I had this disorder. Then it took another 3 years to be diagnosed with Bipolar alongside it, but that's a story for another post! 😅
I plan on doing a deep dive of each criteria, both the clinical and personal definitions of each, so make sure to follow and sign up for my newsletter for when this hits! By the way, I'm really really bad at sending emails - work in progress!
#bpdawareness #Borderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorderawareness #borderlinepersonality #borderlinerecovery #Bpdfeels #bpdlife #Bpdstruggles #Bpdrecovery #bpdthings #bpdwarrior #Bpdsupport #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealth #mentalhealthmatters #thebpdproject #thebpdp
Do you have a pet that helps to make you Happie? I love my dog because we get to go outside and enjoy nature everyday which is such a healthy habit for my mind and body! Getting a breath of fresh air and scenery feels like the best medicine.
#happie #germanshepherd #dog #hiking #hikingadventures #nature #doghiking #outdoors #outside #walkoutside #physicalhealth #explore #exercise #exercisemotivation #anxietyrelief #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #PTSDrelief #Bpdrecovery #mentalhealthmatters #losangeles #glendale#MentalHealth
But what happens to you when you have what you feel is a setback in your mental health recovery?
First of all, you have to realize that this will happen. Things like this are often three steps forward, two steps back. Just because you have a setback does not invalidate all the positive work you have done in the past, nor does it erase it. It just means you have to stop, regroup and get started again.
Setbacks happen to all of us, even me. We’re all human. An important lesson we learn in DBT is that everyone is doing their best and must be treated accordingly. That means you need to treat yourself that way, too. So if you mess up and lash out at someone in a fit of anger, don’t beat up on yourself and think you are a bad person. You’re not. You are a person who has dropped the ball. Bend down, pick it up and get going again.
I had an incident where I dropped my DBT ball. At my next appointment with my therapist I told her that I felt like a DBT failure. She pointed out to me the judgmental language I was using against myself. I had been so upset, I hadn’t even noticed it. This made me pause and think about what it means to have a setback.
We are all products of our past and things happen we get triggered and it’s not always possible to use STOPP the all-important DBT distress tolerance skill. Not being able to utilize that skill will often make things worse but it’s still not the end of the world. Remember you are a work in progress. You are not perfect. You are allowed to mess up from time to time. As long as you don’t let that derail you completely you will be okay. #BPD #BPDWarriors #Bpdrecovery #bpdremisison #bpdnomore
When your brain is on fire there’s nothing you can do but try to survive it. My brain has been trying to kill me since I was 16. It took everything in my power to stay alive at times. What others don’t see is the effort, the strain of trying to use that very limited power, and how drained it leaves you afterwards. I didn’t have the capacity to retain new information, let alone succeed in life.
Chronic suicidal ideation is listed in the DSM-IV as symptom 5 of BPD. So our constant suicidality is because of our mental illness. It's "just because I have BPD"... But what if it's not that simple?
What if our suicidal ideation is not just a symptom of , what if instead, it is a symptom of the trauma we've been through that causes ? a symptom of having a disorder that is so misunderstood and hard to navigate? or a symptom of being constantly emotionally dysregulated in such a emotionally stimulating world?
That seems a little more likely to me and a little more hopeful, that constant suicidal ideation may not just be forever a theme in my life. Like an app that constantly runs in the background, not noticeable but draining energy nonetheless.
It's like what the character Hazel-Grace Lancaster said in The fault in our stars:
"Depression is not a symptom of cancer, it is a symptom of dying".
(I hope I got that right).
With this mindset though, it makes me feel like I have a little more power... That maybe I can change it. Maybe I'm not doomed to become nothing more than another statistic of those with who take their own lives. Maybe... Just maybe... I can figure out what makes me suicidal. What the cause is other than "Just having ". And maybe identifying the causes, what triggers suicidal thoughts, can help me learn what to do to make them less and less frequent until maybe.. Just maybe... They don't return again? Oh the dream!
*Sidenote* This does slightly make me question the whole classification system when it comes to psychological disorders and brings me back to my university days, sitting in lectures debating on causes vs symptoms. But that's a post for another day! Till next time x #BPD #BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Dsm #Bpdrecovery #MentalIllness