TW: Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and, well... #CPTSD #CovertIncest #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Clean
I would honestly rather stop existing than face tomorrow. Don’t worry, I don’t have any kids. I am at the beginning of a serious part of trauma therapy and I am about as distant from my mother as I ever have been. Sometimes I honestly feel like I hate her, and other times it’s like I can metaphorically feel the umbilical cord still connecting us. She made me be her pseudo-spouse emotionally, when I was 2 or 3. I would have a tantrum (because 2 year olds do that) and she would write a literal essay on what effect my outburst had on HER, and how it made HER feel, and read it to me. When I was 2. As I got older I started imagining a literal concrete bunker inside my chest that I could hide in that had no doors or windows and nobody including my mother could get in.
I haven’t talked to her in a few months. I have to call her tomorrow and I honestly would rather jump off a bridge. But I won’t kill myself or hurt myself and I will call her. This just really sucks. I’m sure a lot of people have much worse stories. At least she hugged me and said I love you, growing up. But I always felt gross and intruded on.
She does not see or respect any boundaries. This woman socializes with her own therapist. I’m sorry for the angsty post. I don’t know what I am looking for, just someone to say something kind, I guess.