I spent a long time this morning writing a post about childhood psychological abuse and it kept getting flagged as visible only to the mighty staff and me.
It triggered me because I felt silenced and like my voice speaking the truth STILL did not matter. I also was mad at myself because I felt like what I was writing about was not that bad and I felt like I was just being whiny. The fact is that in addition to other more serious trauma, my parents and family members spent my entire childhood psychologically conditioning me to believe that my isolated childhood with no siblings until it was way too late and only bullying from other kids was happy and fulfilled and good for me, when that couldn’t have been much farther from the truth. The fact is that my mother was covertly incestuous bordering on overtly, my father either didn’t know or condoned it, and my parents were my whole world. School was no escape because severe bullying. Therapy made things worse because my therapist molested me for years. All of my trauma was denied, and the only way that I could survive was to lie and pretend that none of it happened for so long that I started to believe the lie. I was praised for the lie. All I ever wanted was to have integrity, so I started believing the lie, and consequently gave up on integrity as a concept.
When I got into what I thought was good therapy, for the first time, in my mid 20s, after awhile my therapists started psychologically abusing me as well. They were initially family therapists for me and my biological family, and they allowed scapegoating and abuse by family to continue in their office, which should have been a big red flag, but I was so convinced of the lie by that time that I thought that’s what family therapy was. I believe they may have stayed in touch with my parents once I started seeing them individually, because not long after I started individual therapy with them, they started attacking my character and denying my repeated reports of sexual abuse by my childhood therapist and others. By that time I was valuing integrity highly again and doing my best to always tell the truth. They were so adamant that sexual abuse never occurred by my childhood therapist, that they said I was inventing things for attention and creating drama. They were so harsh and crossed so many lines that their judgmental and abusive voices are permanently on loop in my head even though they have been out of my life for years now.
The fact is that sexual abuse did happen at the hands of my childhood therapist and several other people in my childhood and adolescence. That is one of my truths. Another one of my truths is that my family systematically and deliberately conditioned and brainwashed me to believe that my lonely and out of touch childhood at home and everywhere else was excellent, even superior to other kids’ lives. But I was bullied for a decade and my parents fed into it.
Thats why I was so triggered when my post got flagged.