My history of Conduct Disorder Unspecified with delusions
I have history of showing Conduct Disorder Unspecified, Megalomania, Erotomania and paranoid ideation.
I got scared that I might have Antisocial Personality Disorder, because I still have some symptom of Conduct Disorder Unspecified, and with some of those traits, I developed some skills that I thought are NT social skills, but is actually bad characteristics. I am am 21 years old and still kept some traits of Conduct Disorder Unspecified.
I sometimes wonder if I have Antisocial Personality Disorder, but have empathy and remorse, and don't go around commiting some crimes that I did throughout my childhood, and the only difference is that I never got criminal records.
My symptoms throughout my childhood:
* Annoyed and chased animals for sick pleasure, but I started to feel so guilty for doing that, as I stopped doing that
* Sometimes broke some school rules, and get into fights
* A little bit impulsive when angry
* Always thought that I am right, and getting into arguments, most of my peers thought I was wired, because of that
I know that my symptoms of Conduct Disorder Unspecified did not present all the time, but it was pathological and that went on throughout my childhood.
Some symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder that I have:
* Charm (I use charm when I lie)
* Brainwashing (I don't do that, but I have that skill)
* Lying (I sometimes lie a lot, and people don't know that I lied, but I am more likely to be honest than most)
* Manipulation (I do that rarely though)
Those skills that I have is limited, because I have history of severe communication delay.
I feel guilty that I have those traits, but I wonder if it is possible for me to be a psychopath with empathy and remorse, and choosing to not commit crimes, but I still feel like I harm others by having those traits. I feel ashamed, I am sorry!
When I looked through my IEP, medical and police records, I found out that I have history of showing symptoms Conduct Disorder, Unspecified type. That is why I thought that I have some kind of rare form of Antisocial Personality Disorder or undiagnosed Atypical Antisocial Personality Disorder, but have effective emapthy and remorse. I did antisocial things from my childhood and some unusual things that is defiant from the norm as I got older.
My answers: Hot bath every evening, text my mom, there's a time for books and a time for movies, I believe in both, need to do both more but I do pray more than meditating.
I never admitted this anywhere before. The diox wasn't fully developed in 1980 in the dsm2 where they started it but they considered it for me. they couldn't call me a conduct disorder because I wasn't out to control people I didn't want their lots I didn't want to damage them. I wasn't cruel to animals.
Although I was angry aggravated kid that had tantrums and was very vindictive and spiteful and all the other problems of a conduct disorder except the ones I just mentioned.
Again I wasn't a thief I didn't wasn't cruel nimals I didn't want to control people actually I wanted people to f*** off
And most importantly still to this day I respected nobody's authority. If there's a choice between swats at school or do what somebody said I'd take the SWATS every time.
In a seminary I realized I couldn't give my word to God to do what another man said.
in jobs I never had any respect for my boss or their authority. One boss one time told me it's my way or the highway. I said it's a nice sunny day outside.
To this day if there's somebody I don't like and I see something that pissed them off I'll do it just to piss them off more.
I was embarrassed my whole life because of that diagnosis.
And now as a peer support leader listening to suicidal people that have been wronged by the mental health system I'm more than proud to say I am an Oppositional Defiant
My first day back to school was today. I still feel pretty overwhelmed and I needed a release. I haven’t selfharmed for about a month or so. I feel like a failure and I don’t know what the future entails. Stay strong out there. I believe in you.
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