consequences

A few weeks ago the world was shocked at the actions of one man. I have met that man on multiple occasions but had no idea what he was capable of.

For reasons we may never know he poured accelerant throughout his house and set it alight. He then fought off neighbours and emergency workers from entering the burning house.

Sadly three of his children died and he and the rest of his family suffered burns. What would possess a man to commit such a horrendous crime is still not known.

A guy who occasionally comes to my church (We will call him, “G”) was best friends with the family involved. He has been beating himself up for not seeing warning signs.

This week things got even stranger. “G” told his wife he didn’t love her anymore and that their marriage was over. He walked out on his family and then to everyone’s shock he moved in with the lady whose husband is now in jail charged with murder.

What were these people thinking? This is beyond crazy. The sad thing is I can see “G” is in for a world of pain. This will not end well. So now two families are being torn apart, all because of bad decisions. They are their own worst enemies.

Yet, the truth is, we are capable of such bad choices too. God have mercy on us.

When confusion and overwhelming lead us, we forget to use the tools (acceptance, acknowledge the emotions, mindfulness, embracing fear, and finally responding with intention and clarity) that allow us to process a new situation (Wolpe, 2000). There are conditions that create awareness. What happened when we do everything but that?
I have a friend who had a problem with her fiance. “I had a little problem with acceptance,” Buva (not her real name) said, recalling the weeks and months after her fiance left her 1 year back. “I couldn’t fathom an existence without him, and worse, I couldn’t accept that he really meant his decision. It was such a breach of trust.”

Buva told me that she had incessantly called her ex until he changed his number. When she found out that he had a new girlfriend who is embraced by their mutual group of friends, she impassionedly e-mailed each one of her friends, whom she had known for more than 6 years, and “broke up with them.” With her fiance left and her circle of friends in ashes, Buva became depressed. Alcohol filled her weeknights, her career suffered; she stopped eating and started overexercising.

She was scared and sad. Money was tight, and Buva described being forced to move back into her childhood bedroom at her parents’ house as the most humiliating experience of her life. This caused her self-worth to further plummet. “I became desperate, and I cringe at the actions that made me look like a lunatic,” Buva explained. “Not only did my ex have to have a threatening talk with me, but my parents and siblings had somewhat of an intervention. I couldn’t get out of my own way.”

Buva’s storm was swirling around her, and instead of understanding that she had the option of assessing the conditions of the storm and responding appropriately, she tired herself out – mentally, emotionally, and physically – by attempting the impossible. “Getting my fiance back was as futile as using my own breath to blow away rain clouds,” she said. “What is the point of that?”

Sometimes the most difficult part of a situation is not the struggle in the midst of it all, but the way in which it is dealt with afterwards, as Buva’s ‘regrettable” behaviours illustrate. What is your next move? Where do you go? How do you move on? The world is spinning around you, and most likely, you either want to (a) crumble down into the fetal position and close your eyes until it all goes away or (b) run away as fast as you can without turning back.

#MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Love #Selfacceptance #MightyTogether