choices

I didn't choose to heal; it chose me.

I remember the moment I cut the cord from my parents, and it was scary and liberating. Not knowing how they would initially react, I was pleasantly surprised and heartbroken at their lack of outreach and misunderstanding. It's like they were waiting for this moment to happen. The longer I went without speaking to them, I began to realize the cold, hard truth that they didn't care at all.

Free from their grip, I began to spiral down a dark hole inside my mind of forgotten memories. I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to give up on that darkness. How many times I've told myself it's too hard, too painful, too much. But somehow I'm still here. Still trying to fulfill my purpose in this life.

I come from a lineage of people who survived by numbing, by silencing, by pretending nothing happened. So I came to this world to break all cycles, the ultimate generational curse breaker. It's literally in my birth chart. I felt a strong purpose since I was seven years old. I'm a firm believer that we choose our parents and the hardships we endure. I will clarify that we didn't sign up for exactly what happened; free will is truly a scary concept. I'm here to break the cycles of abuse, neglect, trauma, addiction, honestly, all of it.

All of the abuse I've been through, the neglect, the sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse has affected me in various ways. I'm emotionally intelligent, but my emotions explode because I was never taught how to regulate. I'm learning now. I stopped giving my body to random men well over ten years ago. Always searching for something that wasn't there or trying to fill the void of pain and loneliness. Teaching myself to be kind, not just to myself, but to others as well. Creating strong, healthy boundaries, learning to say no. The most challenging of them all: addiction.

I didn't start smoking cigarettes until the day after my 18th birthday, being peer pressured into it. I continued to smoke cigarettes until I was 31 years old and quit cold turkey. I started drinking the summer after high school, under peer pressure, to fit in with my friends, and I found an outlet. A way to cope with things that I didn't remember. I felt lost but found. There was smoking of cannabis during this time. I preferred smoking over drinking, but this was before it was legal in my state to purchase cannabis. I drank heavily for the next 8 years, always searching for someone to connect with on a physical level, but nothing beyond that. When I said the healing journey chose me, this is what I mean; in September 2015, I was at a wedding with some friends, and I had been drinking. Later in the evening, I got a migraine. My first ever, and that was the turning point in my life.

It was a glamorous journey. I struggled to be sober. I struggled with staying home on the weekends, not being able to be at the bar with friends. Who were not friends, just people that happened to be drinking at the same watering hole. It honestly wasn't until after the New Year that I started to make real changes. I saw a doctor, I went on depression meds, and started practicing Yoga once per week. I spent the next few years physcially detoxing from all the crap I put in my body. I changed my diet, tried to sleep more, exercise, etc. I felt like I was walking up an icy mountain, not really making any progress but still trying. Mainly because I was still living with my parents at this time. Still under their abusive manipulation. I had no idea what I had just started.

I did quit drinking. My mom was an alcoholic, so that's an easy no for me. She killed herself three years ago. That's another story, for another time. I did, however, utilize the fact that at the beginning of 2020, marijuana became legal in my state. It was a godsend. Marijuana helped me cope and process over the next 5 years, and now here I am present moment, writing this out and struggling to let go of my edibles. My body is rejecting them, just like my body was rejecting alcohol. I crave the numbness, the release, but my heart says no. It's an internal battle that I keep to myself, wishing to be sober, but the bridge to get there is burning, itchy cravings that are the hardest part to get through.

I'm at the end of my numbing journey. I now know that I don't need it anymore. It's the in-between the old and the new, learning to cope with new techniques. I now choose healing not because it's easy, but because I'm tired of pain being the only legacy I carry forward. I refuse to be like either of my parents. I won't let my story end the same way. I also know deep in my soul that I am meant to help bring great change. It may feel like to end is all around, but I have hope that this is the downfall that we all need. Whether that's on your own personal journey or in the current state of our world. The old must be exposed before the new can be accepted.

Even if you're the first in your family to choose healing, even if no one claps for you, your choice matters. You matter. And you're not alone.

#MentalHealth #change #CPTSD #healingjourney #soberiety #choices #TraumaRecovery #AddictionRecovery

How do you know when to take the plunge on another assistive device?
How long is too long to wait where you are negatively impacting your health as opposed to maintaining functioning and quality of life?
Where are you on the spectrum of want to need to can't live without?
Do you listen to the Dr's that say you need to work towards removing assistive devices or to the Dr's that tell you to use them to improve your functionality and quality of life?

I'm on the fence (as it seems I often am when trying to manage my chronic health problems) about whether I should cave and get a shower chair or bench. I find showers exhausting but I don't want to take yet another visible step that confirms my failing ability to function and complete normal every day tasks. Some of my Dr's say I need to get rid of things I already use like my cane and others say I need to rethink my use of things that can allow me to function better which may mean adding more assistive devices.
What do you think?
Where is the line for you?
When do you know it's time to take the plunge?

#ChronicPain #assistivedevice #showerchair #Disability #Migraine #Fibromyalgia #HEDS #Stigma #choices #Undiagnosed #POTS

My wife is waiting to hear back about what day her new job starts. She went for an interview last week and the manager said they were planning to start either April 4 or the following week. But she did get the job. So that's the good thing!

The hard thing is we got a call yesterday from the place where her daughter (high functioning) does her autism therapy and they told us her insurance changed and they don't take it. So either we get her back on the plan she used to be on or services end Friday. The only way to change that is to actually call them, which gives my wife extreme anxiety. She's gonna try because if they can change it back, keeping her at the same place would be easiest routine-wise. But the other side is if we keep her on this new plan, it covers another place in town that does the same type of therapy but they also offer respite care and other services all inclusive that we have to go to outside agencies to get since this other place doesn't have those. So, all told, this might be better for all of us in the longer term. But the current place is getting her ready to return to traditional school. And if she goes to the new place, the easiest thing to do would be keep her in online school cuz, while from a therapy standpoint she is ready to go back to school, from a practical standpoint of socialization and what her individual needs are, she wouldn't do well. She's still struggling to do practically anything independently. There just never seems to be a moment for us to enjoy anything or catch a break... #Autism #OppositionalDefiantDisorder #Insurance #choices