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Phone calls from unknown

So about half an hour ago I got a phone call from a number that I didn't recognise and for some stupid reason my anxiety started acting up. Why though!? I answered the phone call anyway and it turned out to be good news! Finally some good news after being in a dark place for the last days. The application for temporary unemployment benefits is finally accepted! (In the Netherlands it's called "bijstandsuitkering" and I don't really know the right translation for it.)

Which means it's getting a lot easier now to find a place to live as I'm currently homeless and staying at a Nightshelter and spending my days at a Dayshelter from Monday until Friday. The weekends are absolutely horrible, because the Dayshelter is then closed and I just have to spend my days outside. It's like you're not allowed to be homeless between 9:00 and 16:00 during holidays and weekends.

Anyway, does anybody else react the same when your phone starts ringing and you see that an unknown number is calling you? It wasn't even anonymous, I could see the number, but I'm still dealing with the effects of my anxiety now...

#Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #goodnews #Benefits #darkplace #Homeless

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Will I ever stop crying? #SeasonalDepression

October is my favorite time of the year. It is also the worst time of the year. I look forward to sweater weather, colorful leaves and hot chocolate. I get excited for spooky Halloween adventures with friends and all of the fun traditions I have done in the past. However, depression always has other plans for me. I don’t know how but depression and anxiety blindside me every year despite them arriving at the same time like clockwork. It started out with that crisp, autumn air that smelled like possibility. Depression took that possibility and hope and crushed it with thoughts of me not doing enough and I was running out of time. I was in denial and just told myself it was just a rough day, nothing to worry about. It turns out, I should have been worried.
I have always believed that my depression wasn’t that bad. Sure I have rough days but everyone feels this way around this time of year. It is now the middle of October and I feel like I can’t escape this darkness. I feel like there isn’t any more hope. I am constantly asking myself questions such as “Will I ever be okay again? Is there any escape? Is this really worth it? Will I ever stop crying?” Right now I am lost and I feel so alone. I need to know that I’m not the only one going through this. I need to know that my feelings won’t be judged here. I need to know that maybe just maybe I’ll be okay.
#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #alone #lost #SeasonalDepression #SeasonalAffectiveDisorder #help #darkplace #Crying #BadDay #October

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#darkplace #Depression #Cantcope

I have felt like this longer than I want to admit. My friends are telling me that I need to find myself in order to stop feeling down and depressed. I know where finding myself is going to take me and they aren’t going to like it. Sorry for everything I’ve done but I’m going to go and be me now. Survive the darkness!!



I wanted to die but I couldn’t do it because of my children and the pain I’d be leaving behind me, in my selfishness to go!

So I used to wish that I’d die of an illness. That way I wouldn’t have to do it myself. That way my children could prepare and I wouldn’t leave them with the thoughts that mummy left on purpose, that I was selfish. That way I wouldn’t be responsible for their mental health.

Wow! I was in a dark place at that time.


#MentalHealth #darkplace #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

1 comment

It took me 3 days to shower this week. I’m an incoming senior in college and I just don’t want to do it anymore. With every class I take, I feel my motivation slipping further from my grip. I just want everything to stop. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m really in a dark place right now.
#Depression #Unmotivated #darkplace


I'm not okay

I've recently lost my job due to my illness, fibromyalgia and depression and anxiety. I'm 55. I've applied for all the benefits I was told by the CAB, and just discovered that my universal credit this month won't even cover my rent. I get a small pension from my late husband's employer, which I used to pay bills etc, but didn't know they would take that amount off my UC.
I have debts too I can't pay. My pain levels are through the roof. My depression is worse than it has been for a long time. I'm sunk. I won't be able to feed my animals and without them my life is over.
How cruel is this government? I worked hard all of my life apart from when I had my children, and now I'm ready to end it all. #universalcreditkills #mylifeispointless #darkplace

1 comment

#Depression #Thoughts #darkplace

I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone not even my worst enemy’s
It sucks having depression
Not knowing when it’s going to hit you again.
One day you could feel completely normal.. even happy but then out of nowhere it’s gone.
Depression is the most loneliest of places.
No one understands if they haven’t suffered with it, and most people who have had it or still going thru it don’t talk openly about it.
It’s the constant fear of it creeping up on you and before you know it you can’t control it.
It’s the constant feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, guilt, pain, shame... and that makes you feel worse because you know you have nothing to be depressed about but that’s not how your mind works when you have .
You believe that no one loves or cares about you.
That everyone you care about would be better off without you in there lives, because all you do is cause disappointment
You believe that you are truly on your own, because when you do tell people how you’re feeling, you are met with replies that make it worse.
You put on a fake smile, somehow get thru a day, but as soon as you are alone you break.
You can’t stop the tears, you can’t stop the thoughts and you can’t stop the pain that you feel.
You’re absolutely exhausted because you spent most of the night in the dark crying not being able to sleep
Not every day and night are the same.
Some days and nights you’re fine, you feel normal.
Some people take tablets to help, and they do help. Sometimes.
Depression can go away. But for the most part it doesn’t go. It’s something that you learn to accept is part of your life.



Numb. It’s all I feel. I try so hard to be human in front of everyone, but I’ve gone so far in feeling numb, I can no longer make expressions. I feel like a robot. My mind is blank and I think it’s like that because I’ve trained it so hard to not think of what’s happening in my life rn . I feel stuck. I don’t want to feel like this. I know that my thoughts affect everything but it’s hard to quiet those down , when legit my thoughts and troubles are my life. I miss my best friend so much. I need to feel human contact. I need him the most rn in my life and he’s not here. I don’t think it’s his fault. I mean ..... pls #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #darkplace



I got so much on my mind right now. Maybe I'll just "dump" it all on here and I'll feel better. Starting with my most immediate needs...I'm starving and cold. I have to wait a really long time at my doctor's office to be seen. I was here from 3:30pm to about 8pm last night. I needed to see her because my insurance expires today. My insurance expires because I lost my job on Wednesday Nov 14th November 14th. (that's a whole nother story). I'm having some female problems, so I had to come right back in to the doctor's office this morning, so that they could draw blood....fasting. I had to immediately go to a different office to have a pelvic ultrasound. There they found a mass on my cervix, which could be a benign polyp...or, it could be "not benign". I can't bring myself to say that "C" word. Then, I had to come back to my regular doctor's office, for more testing. I just got finished. It's been another all day ordeal. Still haven't eaten "hardly" anything, and now my car isn't starting. It's cold, gray, and raining. My boyfriend is on his way to jumpstart me. Oh. ..there's so much more, but my fingers are going numb. Anyone wanna hear more about my drama?