#Depression #Shame #Hoarsing #Unmotivated
This is my room. It's an absolute diaste overrun by mountains of STUFF. Mostly clothes I have worn once, or some even brand new and got buried in the rubble. I am so ashamed, and embarrassed. I go to great lengths to make sure no one ever comes over. I sit on my bed almost all day, everyday with my phone in front of my face. I don't have a job, I haven't worked in 4 years. I had a job since I was 12 years old kkdI feel judged and ridiculed by everyone in my life - especially my family. No one ever asks me "What's going on?" "How can I help?" "Do you want to talk about?" They just add to the awful things I already feel about myself. "You don't work - you have no excuse." "You're almost 35 now, it's time to put on your big girl pants." "Just throw everything out and start again." It's not that easy - if it was, do you not think I'd have done that by now? I don't even know where to start to be honest, everytime I try it's not long before I give up. I feel so overwhelmed and everyday it gets a little worse. I'm always late and so when I'm frantically trying to find something and I can't- I start throwing things across the room, calling myself terrible names and wondering why I keep doing this to myself. I scream, I cry, I kick walls, hit myself - the stress is so intense I feel like I will explode. I don't know how this happened and I don't know how to stop it.