Mothers Day

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Mothers Day
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    To the Fur Moms#MothersDay #Infertility #Lupus

    I'm two days late, but I still want to wish all the amazing mom's out there a very happy Mother's Day!

    I also want to wish a happy day to those who have lost their mothers, who have a strained relationship with their mother's and those who yearn to be mother's.

    Now, let's talk.

    This past Mother's Day, I saw a lot of posts saying "you only have a dog, it's not the same as having a child." and I agree. But until you've walked in my shoes and gone to my doctors appointments where I've been told time and time again that I will never be able to have children of my own... I don't want to hear it.

    All my life, I have yearned to be a mother, and as I grew older, I have come to realize- that life is not for me. My body is not able to carry that hardship.

    Because being a mother is hard work, you're raising a little human. Kuddos to you!

    But do not discount me because I cannot grow a little human within myself.

    So to all the fur moms- you are seen by me, you are heard. I see that you still struggle with the itty bitty piranha teeth that pierce skin when the pup wants to play too rough. I see the hours of training you're putting in to make sure your 120 pound Bernese Mountain Dog walks well on a leash. I see when you still wake up in the middle of the night to let out the puppy who still potties in the house. I see you. I hear you.

    You are still a mother even though your babies have four legs and are not human. I'm sorry you're not able to bear your own from your womb. But that does not mean you are not valid in being a mother yourself.

    Do not be discouraged. It is hard enough hearing that you cannot have kids of your own, let alone hearing it from the rest of the world on Mother's Day.

    Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mom's.


    My Mother is My Biggest Trigger & My Biggest Fan #MothersDay #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BipolarDisorder #EatingDisorders

    Because both social & mainstream media have wore the word out, I don’t like to use the word “trigger” often, but when it comes to my mom there is no more appropriate word to use than to say she is, and always has been, one of my biggest triggers. Along wt the fact that I have made some major mother blunders of of my own in the past makes Mother’s Day sorta’ touchy for me.

    My mom has always wanted nothing more than to be a great mom, & to give her kids a better life than the one she had growing up. Her intentions have always been extremely pure, it is her actions that cause problems. She has, & always has had, untreated mental illness including EXTREME anxiety, & then depression after her dad died when I was 9. Her “go to” emotion when she is anxious, overwhelmed, confused or sad is angry, so she has just been extremely angry my entire life. Although I have 4 brothers, she very openly directs the vasy majority of that anger at me. It definitely has some psychological thing to do wt her seeing herself in me, & she hates herself, so yeah. For most of my life we could never get along bc she was always yelling at me & berating me for one thing or another. I was a great kid, straight A’s, teacher’s pet, in the Gifted program, band, etc., but all she ever did was yell at me about how hateful & disrespectful I was. I was always grounded for something, & yes physical punishment was implemented regularly for pissing her off for looking at her wrong or whatever.

    Once I turned 18, graduated & moved out, we finally could get along. But by this point I was SO extremely messed up mentally & emotionally. Fast forward 12 years, my world was falling apart, I left my addict husband who was ruining our family wt his addiction; I wanted better for our 2 kids, but by this time I had developed a drinking problem. My parents kindly let me & the kids live wt them while I tried to get us on our feet, but my mom treated me like I was 16 again, & constantly hounded me, talked down to me, & nitpicked me about everything I did, down to how wrinkled a child’s shirt my be for school, to how late I slept on the weekends. Ultimately, the morning before my 30th bday we had a HUGE blowout. In her extremely dramatic fashion, she called the cops om me bc she was “afraid” of me. When the police arrived they said that since I appeared to be no threat, they couldn’t arrest me, but since I appeared to be in mental distress, I COULD REQUEST they take me to a mental facility. I knew what I needed. I asked that they take me. I got money for the next week’s daycare fee & left it for my mom, & left with the police.

    A couple of days in at the mental hospital I was doing great & knew I had made the right decision to get care. I was feeling positive about where my life would go once I got out & could go home & start healing. Then a CPS worker came in & interviewed me. The day I left to the hospital my mom immediately called CPS on me. She said she had hoped they would contact me & let me know someone had made a report, & that would basically “scare me straight.” That she didn’t know (somehow) I was getting help at the hospital, & that CPS would revoke my parenting rights, & my right to sleep in the same house wt my kids while they investigated my abilities as a parent.— I was SO devastated when I was told everything by CPS. My kids are my universe, & without them I am empty. The case investigation lasted 7 months, & although it was closed wt no wrong- doings found against me, it was the worst & most difficult time in my life.

    During the 7 month period of my investigation my relatives wt my mom was obviously completely shattered, but she had me wrapped around her finger bc she had my kids. The worst incident wt her was when she decided to come “check” on me at my brother’s house to see if I was drinking & I was, & was also wt a guy. She went absolutely batsht & scared the life out of the poor, sweet guy I was wt. She stood on the lawn yelling at me about how horrible & helpless I was, then recruited my younger brother to come do the same. Yelling at me repeatedly that if I cared about my kids, I wouldn’t be how I was. That was the night I tried to take my own life. Many years later when I told my mom I tried to kill myself that night, she scoffed & said, “OH. So now you are trying to make ME feel guilty for that??” And looked at me like she could kill me.

    Today, my mom is there, as always, to help wt any and everything for everyone. We get along better, but she still has an extremely short fuse wt me. I just have changed my ways of reacting to her. I feel sad for her bc I can only imagine how miserable it must be being so miserable all the time, but I also get irritated bc I know she knows how to get help. I did NOT plan on writing all that I wrote, but it just came pouring out. It is very difficult in the real world to complain much about the person who does so much for you, even though on the other hand she’s done so much damage.

    I am SURE there are others out there today whose moms are their triggers, and THAT is why I began making this post, bc I know someone can relate. #MothersDay #AnxietyTriggers

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    Happy Mother’s Day

    Some Mother’s Days are rough, and some have an ease about the day. Some Mother’s Days are hollow, and some are blessed. Some are respectful, and some are disrespectful. Some Mother’s Days are well deserved, and some are undeserved; though we are enough. Above all, no matter how you view this day, I hope all the Mom’s, or would be Mom’s, and the people who stepped up as Moms, the ones who were acting Moms, I hope they are respected today and everyday. I hope they’re always loved. ♥️ #MothersDay #Grief #Family #FamilyAndFriends

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    Have a wonderful and peaceful day! #MothersDay

    Happy Mother’s Day! #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD


    You Push Me Away…

    It’s Mother’s Day. I feel alienated, blocked from communicating with my oldest daughter. Basically, she’s completely shutting me out. I don’t know what happened, or what I did..Maybe nothing? Maybe something? She’s also not communicating with her Dad. Her husband said that she is suffering from a bad Bile Reflux, it has been making her ill to her stomach for months. It’s making her weak, and it has made her suffer weight loss.(-I knew this. I just hope her doctors can do something before she losses more weight. She’s in a NED currently, so that’s great.)
    I just saw a social media post where my daughters are together on a trip to Pittsburg. Ummm, she can’t be that sick to not respond to a text, a want for a phone call, or just a responsive:“hey Mom..”? It’s like my child has ghosted me. I’ve had several people that I was close to in the past, try to push me away, because of their Cancers. I’ve seen it. Is it because they think you can’t possibly know what they are going through? Is it because they want to spare you the pain of their demise, but are actually causing their loved ones a great deal of emotional pain and anguish, by pushing themselves away, by distancing completely.? #MothersDay #BreastCancer #itscomplicated #Grief #Whattodo #Family #PTSD #Havemyownissues #Care #Depression

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    Are you dreading Mother's Day?

    I don't know about you, but I've been depressed and super lethargic all week. At first I couldn't figure out why, but then I remembered that the impending Mother's Day festivities always put me in a funk. Mother's Day isn't a happy occasion for all of us. In fact, for many of us, our source of trauma was our mom so it's a double whammy to see everyone posting tributes glorifying their wonderful mother's all over social media.

    If you hate Mother's Day as much as I do, I see you. I'm sending a little extra love and support your way this weekend. You are not alone and you deserve a little extra self care this weekend. As for me, I'm going to avoid a lot of social media tomorrow. I'm also just allowing myself to grieve because it sucks and there's no way around that.

    What are you going to for self care to help you get through this weekend?

    #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #MothersDay #trigger #Grief


    UGH!So emotional. #TheMighty #MightyTogether

    Today i got up feeling such huigh #Anxiety . My mind was thinking about the #Dentist next week. I'm feeling scared to go(getting teeth pulled) I cried today in my group and someone asked me if i was okay. I got to talk about what was wrong. IT was nice how in my groups people are kind and show you support. That made me feel better. I also think with #MothersDay coming around my mood was ugly and down.

    Today with my worker it wasn't bad. I'M starting to warm up with this person. I still miss the other one i had. But you make the best of things. #Depression

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    For me?!

    Beautiful flowers…They’re a gift from God! I bought them for myself, while passing them in a store. It was a Morher’s Day display. I thought: “Hey, I’m a Mom!”.. I snapped them right up, relationalizing, I NEED these! Happy early Mother’s Day, to all the Mighty Mom’s out there! 💖 #HowToFightDepression #Depression #AbuseSurvivors #PTSD #MothersDay #abandonment