Depersonalization Disorder

Oh gosh. I have been feeling so terrible lately...
Feels like I am going crazy. Existential thoughts. Anxiety. Wanna cry. Worrying about future. Here we go again...
The thing is I fell in love. In my last posts I had a boyfriend about whom I wrote here a few words (he was my first relationship since my divorce - I broke up with my husband more than a year ago) Well, that relationship did not last too long, he broke up with me. But now I feel like I have found the love of my life. And he feels the same which is great.
But still #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder kicks in and have me ruminating. Is he really good? Does he wanna use me? Is he sincere? Etc..... non stop. But I know he loves me and I love him as well. He wants to commit, wants to have kids with me, marry me, travel with me, spend time with me, asks me what bothers me, listens to me...
However, relationships have always been very stressfull for me. The vulnerability is unbelievably scary. I am scared to love, I am scared to commit. But I want to. I am scared of losing myself, scared I will end up hurt again, scared that what if the other will die one day I won't be strong enough to make it. Catastrophizing everything...
In the last two months there was so much to do and I really enjoyed spending time with my bf but I really forgot to do some me time and now it's chasing me. I forgot about Mighty, didn't go to psychotherapy, didn't journal, because I felt like I was okay. I am really sorry for that.
I feel like all the strength and emotional stability I built was destroyed by the hormones, love, excitement etc...
#MentalHealth #Relationships #Anxiety #DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder

Hi, my name is scretladyspider, or you can call me Elle. I'm here because I live with a lot and I felt like I should share some of that with other people who do, too.

#MightyTogether #EatingDisorder #PTSD #ADHD #Depression #Anxiety #DerealizationDisorder #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #JointHypermobilitySyndrome #BulimiaNervosa #DepersonalizationDisorder #Asthma #Endometriosis

In the quiet chambers of your heart,

Where shadows linger and wounds reside,

You embark on a voyage—a quest for light.

Therapy, your compass, guiding you through the night.

The therapist’s office, a sanctuary of whispers,

Where vulnerability blooms like fragile petals.

You lay bare your soul, unraveling the knots,

As they listen, without judgment, to your life’s plots.

Together, you sift through memories—

The shards of pain, the echoes of trauma.

They hand you tools: resilience, compassion, hope,

To mend the fractured pieces, to help you cope.

Therapy is not weakness; it’s strength unveiled.

It’s the courage to face demons, unafraid.

In the sacred space, tears flow like rain,

Washing away shame, releasing the strain.

You learn to rewrite narratives, reclaim your voice.

To dance with vulnerability, make empowered choices.

The therapist’s gaze mirrors your worth,

As you redefine healing, reclaim your birth.

So, dear seeker of solace, embrace the process.

Each session a stepping stone toward progress.

You are not broken; you’re a mosaic of scars—

A masterpiece in the making, under therapy’s stars.

A Must-Have Journal :

www.amazon.com/My-Therapy-Notes-logbook-sessions/dp/B0CSRM1JVN

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder # #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Depression #ADHD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DepersonalizationDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

I learned two things about myself today. Apparently, I have been experiencing Depersonalization / Derealization for a very long time but I didn’t know what it was. I knew I dissociated, but I suddenly started having some strange experiences lately that I have concluded are depersonalization. This has led to discovering that I have experienced many symptoms of both Depersonalization / Derealization for decades. The second thing I learned today, is that, my issues with sleep may not be solely bipolar disorder, but a trauma response. My brain speeds up after a certain point at night, and I think it is hyper vigilant to protect me from the unpredictable behavior of my parents. They threw wild parties and I heard lots of loud yelling, laughing, fighting, music and violence. I never knew what was going to happen. I would lock myself in my bedroom by pushing my dresser up to the door and put a butter knife in the door frame as a makeshift lock. I was afraid of their friends. I needed stuff, but was too afraid to leave my room to get it, lest I draw too much attention to myself. So, I went without, or listened and waited trying to discern a time that I might fly under the radar. The noise was so loud, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. Often, I just ended up putting a pillow over my head, tuning them out, so I could fall asleep and eventually did from exhaustion. My parents both suffered from substance use disorder. I do too, or did anyway. I quit using 6 years ago and quit smoking 2 years ago. Trauma often causes us to ignore its’ symptoms, because we are used to them, don’t think they are symptoms, or that those symptoms aren’t important enough to talk about, or seek treatment for.

I can't forgive myself. And one of the thing I can't forgive myself is that 5 years ago I left medical school. At that time I was going through so much anxiety, depression, weird feelings, dpdr that I decided to quit. Til today I feel like I failed. Like I failed myself, my parents, everyone else. I thought that becoming a doctor would finally give me the appreciation I needed in my life so much. Finally something where MY WORD had a meaning and really mattered. I feel like I disappointed my parents. They invested so much in myself for nothing. Years later I still have dreams that I am studying, doing exams, meeting my class mates... I feel like nothing. Because I DID NOT BECOME A DOCTOR. I feel like I was too lazy, maybe if I wasn't everything would be much better. Maybe I should have chosen the easier school (I chose the harder one) maybe I would have made it there....
Still til this day I can't cope with this regret....
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder