Derealization Disorder

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Derealization Disorder
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Finally!

After decades of having these feelings without a name, I started doing my own research and came across derealization/depersonalization. I brought it up to my psychiatrist and he agreed and diagnosed me with this. I feel a huge sense of relief knowing that it wasn’t just my usual “dissociation.” I knew something was different. Also feel a little angry that I wasn’t listened to earlier about what was going on. I’m glad just glad I know what it is.
#DerealizationDisorder

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#DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder #SubstanceUseDisorders #Bipolar1 #Bipolar2 #Insomnia

I learned two things about myself today. Apparently, I have been experiencing Depersonalization / Derealization for a very long time but I didn’t know what it was. I knew I dissociated, but I suddenly started having some strange experiences lately that I have concluded are depersonalization. This has led to discovering that I have experienced many symptoms of both Depersonalization / Derealization for decades. The second thing I learned today, is that, my issues with sleep may not be solely bipolar disorder, but a trauma response. My brain speeds up after a certain point at night, and I think it is hyper vigilant to protect me from the unpredictable behavior of my parents. They threw wild parties and I heard lots of loud yelling, laughing, fighting, music and violence. I never knew what was going to happen. I would lock myself in my bedroom by pushing my dresser up to the door and put a butter knife in the door frame as a makeshift lock. I was afraid of their friends. I needed stuff, but was too afraid to leave my room to get it, lest I draw too much attention to myself. So, I went without, or listened and waited trying to discern a time that I might fly under the radar. The noise was so loud, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. Often, I just ended up putting a pillow over my head, tuning them out, so I could fall asleep and eventually did from exhaustion. My parents both suffered from substance use disorder. I do too, or did anyway. I quit using 6 years ago and quit smoking 2 years ago. Trauma often causes us to ignore its’ symptoms, because we are used to them, don’t think they are symptoms, or that those symptoms aren’t important enough to talk about, or seek treatment for.

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I can't forgive myself

I can't forgive myself. And one of the thing I can't forgive myself is that 5 years ago I left medical school. At that time I was going through so much anxiety, depression, weird feelings, dpdr that I decided to quit. Til today I feel like I failed. Like I failed myself, my parents, everyone else. I thought that becoming a doctor would finally give me the appreciation I needed in my life so much. Finally something where MY WORD had a meaning and really mattered. I feel like I disappointed my parents. They invested so much in myself for nothing. Years later I still have dreams that I am studying, doing exams, meeting my class mates... I feel like nothing. Because I DID NOT BECOME A DOCTOR. I feel like I was too lazy, maybe if I wasn't everything would be much better. Maybe I should have chosen the easier school (I chose the harder one) maybe I would have made it there....
Still til this day I can't cope with this regret....
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder

24 reactions 8 comments
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On Thursday I am going on a business trip to Paris. Which is, in comparison to my city, big, foreign, more dangerous etc...
My parents just awared be to be careful so that no one drugs my drinks etc. so that I won't become a part of human market. Well, in general I am scared as hell to go, I love Paris but as my anxiety is doing terribly at these times I am scared what if I get an anxiety attack there. Now I am having terrible attack with dpdr due to thinking, what if someone drugs/poisons my food/drink. You might never know what kind of people work in restaurants/bars etc... I am scared 😶
#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder

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Been feeling a bit down for the past few days. On Monday I opened up at the therapist about my childhood traumatic memories, such as crying because I felt sorry that my mom's dad (my grandfather) died when she was young. Or that I saw her having mental breakdown that we had to call ambulance because our cat died. And many more. Then I remembered also one of my earliest memories, being a small child in a hospital, alone, scared, lying in bed and seeing some doctor checking up on me. Today since I woke up I started to think about my HARM #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder and how I have been dealing with it since my childhood. Yes as a child around 12 I had thoughts about hurting myself or others. Thinking maybe I am a real psychopath and I really wanted to kill someone. Maybe I am really bad and I use ocd just as an excuse. This cycle resulted in a depersonalization, when I started to have thoughts like I don't deserve to be alive because I am a monster and it took a time to get it under control. It is so exhausting
#Anxiety #DerealizationDisorder #DepersonalizationDisorder

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14 reactions 3 comments
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Need to know more

Hi guys, I’m on this site to help me work my depression. Yesterday, my dear son who is 14 told me he has been having symptoms of derealization. We have a doctors appointment next week to hopefully get a direction to go. If anyone has any advice, recommendations, anything, I would be so grateful. Thank you!
#DerealizationDisorder

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Past traumas and letting go

What is the right way to get rid of past traumas? I am very sensitive person, very emotionally unstable been through a lot of $#!T since childhood. I have always felt that I did not process everything, it always used to make me cry, I always felt useless, dumb, terrible etc...
For the past 5 months that I have been going through divorce I am finding out and going really deep about those bad experiences from past and try to process them. Like acknowledge them, go deep, think how it affected me, try to forgive etc... Of course it takes time. However, my relatives now told me that it is nonsense to go through your past, you should just throw it out and move on. My question is how do you heal/process past experiences? #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DerealizationDisorder #DepersonalizationDisorder #Depression

37 reactions 16 comments
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I really thought that I am finally feeling okay. At the beginning of the new year I felt some kind of "life awakening" inside of me. But this week #DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder hit me hard. Having terrible existential #Anxiety thoughts....

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The world is fading more and more

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to feel real or to just live. I don’t remember the last time I experienced life as it was. Everything feels distant and my ears ring. Everything is fading and I feel myself losing my mind every second. I want to feel real, I want to feel conected. I am so detached from reality and I can’t do this. I want this to be over. I want to feel human. I want to think. My brain is rotting and my memory is getting worse. I fear the day I will become a walking corpse. #DerealizationDisorder #Depression

5 reactions
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My biggest anxiety

My biggest anxiety is the thought of one day staying completely alone. I am almost 28 now, my father is almost 68, mom 56 with health issues, younger brother almost 17. Me and my brother are the youngests from the youngests, meaning every other family members (cousins, aunts, uncles...) are significantly older than we are that's why we are not very connected. All grandparents are already gone. I just got divorced. I am really scared that I will stay alone, that one day I will have to go through everything alone, without partner, without kids to live for, alone seeing my loved ones pass away, dealing with ilnesses etc... the #Anxiety which this causes me is driving me crazy... #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder

15 reactions 5 comments