MAOI & Low Tyramine Diet
MAOI & Low Tyramine Diet
I’m exhausted. I’m 60 and sick and tired of battling to stay alive to fight another day of this depression.
I’ve been on every anti-depressant, years of ECT in which I was one of the rare ones who had lost all of my memories, so many psychiatric hospital stays, suicide attempts and because nothing is left to try, now on an MAOI, parnate which is only given for treatment resistant depression.
My psychiatrist really wants me to try ketamine but it cost $5,380 here in British Columbia and only helps for a year.
My anxiety, agoraphobia and chronic pain which I’ve learned is neuroplastic are part of my life.
I use the apps Headspace for meditation, Curable for neuroplastic chronic pain and learning to retrain the brain there is nothing structurally wrong with my body, Eat Right Now for my binging and just yesterday was told about Most Days for helping to build routines with mental illness. My doctor, psychiatrist and dietician all wanted me to use these apps as they felt it would help. They are really good but do leave me feeling overwhelmed.
I’m also struggling with survivors guilt that I’m alive while my 5 yr old grandson was killed by a falling tree Aug 18, 2020. That day I was preparing to go into hospital as I was so suicidal. I promised myself I’d get better and healthy in his memory, but that hasn’t happened so now I carry guilt and shame that I couldn’t fight this depression even for my him.
Being on parnate, I have to eat a low tyramine diet which is so restrictive. Not knowing, my binging was out of control eating so much unhealthy food, the result being they were all high tyramine and broke down the enzymes of the parnate making it less effective.
No wonder I was still so depressed. Finally made sense as I’d been on the maximum dose of parnate for a couple weeks and was worsening.
I’m now with a dietician who is helping me eat “safe” foods. She’s really understanding of depression and my lack of energy so for now, my 3 meals are simple and quick to make.
There is so much conflicting information on the internet about low tyramine diets so it’s been very frustrating.
I am no longer apologizing for my feelings. I am no longer apologizing for how big my feelings are.
My brain is different. I accept that my brain is different. I love that my brain was and is so strong to keep me alive through out all of the years and years of trauma, stalking, and abuse.
My brain was smart enough to keep me from being killed by certain men. My beautiful brain gave me an escape route and was so alert to protect me and let me know when a bad person was around. My beautiful brain gave me options and plans of escape or how to hide in plain sight.
When I was younger I learned how to be dead and alive at the same time. My brain kept me safe. My brain always kept me steps ahead so I could hide or get out before anyone knew I was there. When I was very young I used to think I had the superpower of being asleep and awake at the same time, now I know it was my beautiful brain keeping me alert and safe.
My brain kept me company during all of the times in my childhood through now, during such painful earth shattering times, where I felt so alone.
My brain kept me company when I was alone. When I was left to pick myself up, bandage myself, and keep going.
My brain kept me company when I screamed for people to help me but no one could hear.
So now that,
“I don’t need these coping mechanisms. They do not suit me anymore, I am safe” …
The “superpowers” I have won’t shut off. My brain still is in survival mode, since infancy.
Survival mode takes such a drastic toll on your body. And what I have to do, is still love my brain and self. I do not need to apologize for how big my feelings are. I check myself, I don’t harm others, I don’t spew words out of hatred, so I am no longer apologizing for anyone else’s inability to cope with the discomfort that comes with my story. I won’t apologize for the side effects left due to my survival.
I have to show myself patience and grace. I have to slow down and give myself what I haven’t gotten.
My beautiful brain kept me safe, now it’s my turn to return the favor.
I just got off the phone with my med mgt provide and she wants me to try ECT for my MDD. Has anyone tried ECT? What has been your experience? Have you suffered any long term side effect? I'm concerned about memory loss which I read could go back a few years. I went througj a painful divorce and lost my kids a few years ago the thought of not remembering that and having to relive it is beyond words.
New beginnings are scary
My partner is about to start ECT for depression tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it will help with minimal side effects. Reality is I don't know a whole lot about it. The doctors say it has a good success rate. I'm apprehensive about side effects like memory loss. I'm worried that something could go wrong. I'm sure I'm worried about nothing. I needed to vent into the darkness. Thanks for reading. #ECT #Depression
Since October 2021 my life has been radically different. October 2021 I couldn’t stop the stress induced hallucinations of ending my life and dissociating constantly. I put my hands up at life and said mercy.
I was admitted to a psychiatric unit, which wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time I was given a chance to have a life again…or so I was told.
I was offered ECT on a silver platter that was made to look so beautiful and enticing. I was told this would be my life saving treatment. I was not told however, about the side effects that became very real and apparent in my life after discharge.
Fast forward to April 2022, I was admitted to a different hospitals program. This program is at an old hospital I had been to before, and my previous experience was horrifying.
This time around it’s teaching me that change is actually possible…I know it’s weird I’m actually saying that! When I say this hospital changed it’s protocol ENTIRELY, I mean it. Every day I’m still blown away that this is the same hospital as before. Im so grateful it’s crazy!
I had a good day today which scares me because I don’t want this feeling to be ripped away, I don’t experience the good days often.
Im taking control of it though and doing my best to keep my head up. A BHS (behavioral health staff/therapist) started one of the groups closer to the end of our programming day. This group topic was a hard one, self compassion. I start listening like normal and then there were certain words I heard that felt like they hit my soul.
I felt seen and immediately all of my attention was focused. It was a moment where things I struggle with everyday but don’t get to go into, had been brought into the topic.
I struggle severely with dissociation as I have been doing it my whole life without knowing there was a term for it. I didn’t know that not everyone has complete other worlds in their heads. Not everyone had to learn the trick of being dead and alive at the same time for survival, when they were just a very young child.
A later diagnosis of DID made so much sense. DID though isn’t as common as the anxiety/depression part that’s mainly talked about as we have to keep things vague. So I have certain issues that don’t get much attention and that’s okay because there are other areas where I haven’t gotten help, that are getting help now.
But DAMN is it like a splash of cool water on your face when dissociation and dissociative defense mechanisms are brought up in a lesson!
I got pulled from the group by my case manager/therapist so I missed the rest of group but was able to quickly ask if I could further speak about this topic at a later time with this BHS. They said of course and that made my heart…happy? I think that’s what that is. Otherwise I would say it just filled me with such gratitude.
One person can make such a big impact. This person hearing me and seeing me where I’m at, made my day a good day. And for some reason I felt like writing again. I even sang on my drive home.
It may start off slow and frustrating when you’re navigating your recovery from square one again, but slow and steady has always won the race.
Taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time, it’s all we can do.
Trust the process and lean in.
On (Not) Giving Up
I just posted that I have been doing photography again as art therapy to help distract me from the depression. It is helping, but it is only short-term temporary relief.
I have also been in a lot of pain and discomfort with my back, so when I do go out to photograph things I really feel it afterwards. It also effects my job where I do a lot of bending and getting into abnormal positions.
My mind has been a big problem as well. I am having huge problems with focus, attention and retention. I get easily distracted which makes things take longer to do because I am constantly having to refocus. It is so aggravating. I am so frustrated with this. It effects everything I do in life, including the photography. I have seen doctors about this for years and have taken every medication to treat these problems. Nothing has worked. It has even gotten worse, especially after having ECT treatments.
I am really struggling and feeling hopeless and useless. What has really been frustrating and aggravating is that friends, doctors, therapists and well wishers all tell me this is all temporary and things will get better. Sometimes they do, but I always seem to end up struggling again. This has been anything but temporary. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for more than 40 years. I keep looking forward to better times. I have been let down so many times I don't look forward anymore.
What do you do when your brain still screams? Before you may have known why…or what it was screaming.
Now though, it’s…blurred. It’s static and still at the same time. There is a block between you and whatever it is.
When you look at the block it’s just plain grey. But you can see a little of what’s behind the block, it glows in different colors and you can tell there is an alarm sounding behind the block.
Your heart skips a beat. Your brain…you can tell something is wrong yet you cannot figure out what it is.
The Doctors say that you are fine and everything will continue to get better after the #ECT with time.
…you don’t feel fine. At least before you knew what it was. Now there is just a big grey block between you and what it is. Your body picks up on it but you…can’t.