Embarrassment

I came to the same experience again. A zoom meeting with +50 professionals, and I am so horrified. I had to speak about an experience; after I spoke, I can’t help but think how silly and stupid I sounded in front of so many professionals. My heart is pounding my chest so hard, and I just want to leave the meeting and disappear. I hate being in the spotlight, especially when so many people are more knowledgeable and experienced than I.

I’m in a new job in a large company. A zoom conference is happening for a virtual Christmas party. I don’t fit in. I never had in large crowds and I tried, I truly tried. The idea of people judging me for any silly thing I say or mistake I do is exacerbated during zoom events. This feeling last for days and sometimes weeks where I just want to hide from everybody.

Sorry for this long rant. I had a craft show this weekend. I only do 2 a year. I crochet all kinds of things. I had a second major back surgery in April. Friday setting up my booth went ok , only 2 panic attacks. My chronic back and leg pain was tolerable. Yesterday, I did well to about 11:30, but the pain kept climbing. I went into another area of the building and played on the floor to get some relief. My TENS was on and my service dog was doing his job to help me with the physical pain. I got up and walked around some then my pain level soared to the point i passed out. I was the furthest corner away from my booth and my husband. Ugh 😱 I am so embarrassed. I had to go home and the show was still going on for 2 hours. Ice, pain meds, pillows in all the supportive places, service dog still doing his job. Got up this morning and yep, too much pain to go. I am .blessed with a husband that went to the show today, will pack up my product and the display equipment. I feel like such a failure. 😕 I am usually so good at masking my pain in public and this time NO I passed out from the pain. No way to hide that. I was so embarrassed from yesterday and not returning again today. Even though craft show vendors are like a family, I feel like I failed. They were so kind to help watch my booth, get me off the floor and assist my husband to get me to my car. So today, the pain is still up, the black cloud of depression is engulfing me. i am crying between the pain and woke from a nap in a panic attack. have no idea how long this episode will last. . #ChronicPain #Embarrassment #failure #Idontwannadothisanymore

I just finished a week in the hospital. I was feeling rejuvenated and awesome. Drove to my follow up appointment and realized I didn’t have my ID or insurance card standing at the window. I look like a moron. Now I feel awful. Maybe I should have stayed a bit longer. #Anxiety #Embarrassment

So, I have meds I need to take when I’m at work. It’s something I can’t get around. They need to be taken at a certain time. Anyway, most days it’s all good and I just set a timer to take them and I quietly go back and take them. No one asks questions because people at my work are awesome.

But today, I dropped one of the pills underneath somewhere and couldn’t get it back. It could’ve been much worse, but mostly I felt like a dodo because I couldn’t find it at all. And I feel self-conscious about taking my meds anyway sometimes. People know a little of what they’re for, but they don’t know all of it. They don’t know my whole struggle. I am so glad that my dad was able to bring me a spare today and there weren’t any questions asked (like I said, I love my coworkers). They’re awesome. But I still wonder what people think about my meds. Even after I’ve been taking them since I was seven years old, it’s like I’m still trying to remember it’s okay to take them, you know? Anyway, it turned out all right, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have all this extra. I guess if I didn’t have that, I’d have something else so I’m good. :) #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #PureO #Medicine #Medicineontime #Anxiety #Embarrassment