Emotionalexhaustion

Here’s a portion of a email I wrote to my husband. He is struggling to see me.
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I’ve been grieving—quietly, deeply. Grieving my health, yes, but also the emotional weight I’ve been carrying for a long time. I’ve spent years hoping for more support from my family, from my marriage, even from myself. And I’ve realized that I’ve been overextending in relationships, pretending I’m okay when I’m not. That pretending has taken a toll.

I’m working hard to accept the reality of my illness—what it means for my body, my energy, my capacity.

Another part of what’s been incredibly hard is learning how to actually speak about how sick I am—how much pain I’m in, how exhausted I feel every single day. For most of my life, I didn’t have the language to explain it. I wasn’t taught to. I was taught—especially by my mom, who still refuses to accept her own illness—to push through, adapt, ignore it, survive minute to minute, day to day. I learned to turn inward and believe that I was the problem.

I am not a complainer and it's been hard for me put my pain into words without feeling like I'm complaining or repeating myself.

I’ve only ever lived in this body, so I didn’t know that what I experience isn’t normal. I didn’t realize that this kind of pain, fog, and fatigue is rare—not everyone is walking around like this. And now, I’m slowly waking up to the truth: I’ve been pushing beyond what I can handle for years. I’m not just tired—I’m in a body that is shutting down from being forced to function like nothing’s wrong.

The consequences of that pushing are showing up right now. I’m getting sicker. The toll it’s taken on my cognitive function, my ability to work, and even my self-perception is devastating to me—both intellectually and emotionally. I’m not okay. And I’m just beginning to understand how deep this goes.

Well, I was in a really low mood yesterday and I was just really lost and tired. I ended up having a mental breakdown because my Mom was scolding my sister and I over a trival matter and she didn’t stop even when I told her to. I was hyperventilating so bad that my chest hurt and I couldn’t feel my limbs and face. I ended up being sent to the emergency room and had be to kept in observation for the entire night. They’ve sent me home in the morning but I’ve been feeling weak, numb and very on edge the entire day. I just don’t feel well and I don’t want to see my mom. I keep having suicidal thoughts but have people around me to keep me safe. Everyone’s been trying to make me feel better with flowers and gifts but I’m just so empty. I’m not sure when things will start picking up again..

#Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Mentalillnessfeelslike #Emotionalexhaustion #Recovery #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveandRelatedDisorders #EatingDisorders #PsychiatricMedication #PanicAttack

I’ve come to realize in that past that no one will come and help me. I always do things on my own. I live in my apartment alone. Work related stress have increased and on the weekend I have tasks to do in order to prepare for the upcoming week such as meal prepping, cleaning my apartment and grocery shopping. Somehow I managed to squeeze in gym time to take care of myself because I have #DiabetesType2 But sometimes I get exhausted-physically and mentally. I feel like I just wanna say “Fuck it!” Why bother? With having #BPD and #ADHD I can’t sit still and relax. My brain goes 1,000 mph while my body slows down like a turtle because of exhaustion. Where do I draw the line? I couldn’t relax but when I do I can’t because there’s stuff to be done. #AnxietyDisorders #NeedSupport #Emotionalexhaustion