endoflife

I got mine in the mail yesterday just in case I turn critical before I can get to an out of state hospital with a specialist…. I got COVID in May and developed QT Long Syndrome so all psych meds stopped, except Elavil. June I had a stroke that left me weak on one side, not able to write or speak properly, or even more around well. Few weeks later I had a Dystonia episode that almost killed me. Elavil was stopped. My Gastroparesis was continually getting worse since COVID and because my heart meds are not option at this point. I now I have a PEG tube but still pleasure eat some. In two weeks I will be getting a PEG-J to completely by pass my stomach. I am in the hospital more than I am home so it feels like it. All I do is sleep. Life is hard and a long life just isn’t the cards anymore. My end of life packet came in the mail yesterday. Five Wishes. This is my PARENTS know my final wishes and planning a memorial service. It seems so backwards. I am only 33…. How did I reach this point? What did I do or not do? How in the world can I fix this when my state won’t even help me?! No idea how long I have to wait for Houston but my body is giving up and I am afraid I won’t make it to that appt. But I cannot bring myself to fill out this packet. Feels like giving up but my parents need to know these things….. #Gastroparesis #FeedingTube #CriticalCare #scared #how #why #doesitgetbetter #endoflife #longcovid #Stroke #LongQTsyndrome #HeartHealth #MajorDepression #Schizophrenia #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #PTSD #MedicalPtsd

I am 57 and have had serious health problems all my life. I have always been very health conscious, and yet I've had breast cancer, had endometrial cancer, have severe endocrine problems, and several of my internal organs are starting to fail.

I was never able to have children, and was never able to get a carrier established. I have done a lot of scientific and nonfiction writing, but have not been able to get much of it published.

After a recent hospitalization for acute renal failure, I worry that I don't have much time left. I want to find some way to make my remaining time meaningful.

The idea of dying after a meaningless life full of suffering bothers me much more than the thought that I am running out of time -- I really don't want more time if it will just mean more suffering, no ability to do the things I want, and nothing accomplished.

I am looking for people in similar situations to talk to -- I really don't know anyone else in this situation. My cancer problems are now under control, and I haven't found support groups for people with my other problems. Please help me connect with others facing similar things!
#endoflife #lackofmeaning #findinghope #findingmeaning