My boy. That’s what I had started calling him without consciously realising. When I’d greet him I’d say “how are you my boy.” When I’d humble-brag about him and his talents, I’d point at him proudly and say “that’s my boy”.
It feels like it’s been forever since my favourite person decided that his life would be better without me in it. But in reality it’s been two days.
I don’t and won’t blame him. For the past two months, our seemingly unbreakable relationship had become rocky because my BPD had reared its ugly head. Ultimately it was too much for him to handle. It got to the point where he’d get anxious if he was going to an event he knew I’d be at because he didn’t know which version of me he was getting.
I took for granted the time we spent together, especially in the last two months. Every minute, hour and day I’d be “angry” with him because I couldn’t understand the whirring emotions spinning around in my head.
I wish I could tell him one more time how much he means to me.
I wish I could tell him that simply being around him were always the greatest moments for me. We could be sitting next to each other, not saying a word, and I would be completely content. Underneath the rapid mood swings and the emotional outbursts, I was always happy when I was with you my boy, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel any different.
He was my safe house. My place to go when I needed security. In life I’m always seeking refuge; a safe place to be who I am, and my boy you were that for me. I would secretly love how your ears would prick up if you ever heard that I was facing even the slightest bit of trouble or distress, and you’d go far and beyond to make sure I was okay and I was safe. My biggest protector.
I’m going to miss all the small things he did to reassure me. Like when I’d put my arm around his and he’d squeeze it, as if telling me that he’s got me, he’s with me, and he’s not abandoning me. Or when he’d hug me just a little longer and just a little tighter than usual when he knew I needed it.
It was always us. N+R. R+N.
He wasn’t perfect. By no means was he ever perfect. He was flawed, just like me, just like everyone is. But he managed to point out my flaws and turn them into my strengths.
I’ve always wanted to elevate him and make him be the best man he could be so the world can see the wonderful man that I always saw. And if he can’t do that with me by his side, then I guess I’ll just have to do what they always say… if you love someone, let them go.
I feel him slipping away into a dark nothingness, and no matter how much I reach out to grab him, I won’t find him.
These days blend into a never ending cycle of sleep, eat, shower, repeat without you my boy.
It’s hard to live without you in my life my boy, but if you are out there living your best worry-free life, then I will try my best. I’ll try.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Favouriteperson #Fp #MentalHealth