abusive relationship

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'I'm addicted to my toxic ex' - A Long Rant

I share a trauma bond with my ex.....whom i broke up with twice already and now we're 'friends'. Even my friends have noticed and told me that i look drained every time i come back from meeting him. I start isolatinf myself and after a week of on and off staying over at his place, the day he left the city, i came back to my room and had a full blown hour long anxiety attack.
During the relationship, he would be all cute and ask me to buy him gifts, and keep them a surprise. I asked for gifts too, something small enough to carry around with me. Something that would remind me of him and help me ground myself.
After the break up, i have started giving my more gifts, buying randoms things for myself and asking him if he wants them. Today I asked him to order me dinner and surprise me. He was too tired to order me food and said he'll send me the money so i can order anything i want. I said no and added on (that he texted to me later) - "Oh yeah right you don't believe in gifts and gestures". Last night i realised i don't need gifts from him to feel appreciated and i apologised and called myself 'petty' for continuously asking for gifts (which i have still not gotten, NO GIFT IN OUR 9 MONTH LONG RELATIONSHIP).

My self esteem made me defend myself on how his taunt and blame are hurtful. I stood my ground and yet when the conversation ended, i had this intense fear and pain in my chest. I can't stop crying, I'm ducking angry and scared of him at the same time, yet i crave his kindness, validation and time. I keep going back. My therapist specifically told me not to be in contact with him, told me how and what aspects of my life he's affecting (negatively).

And yet i go back. A week, two weeks, three weeks of silence, withdrawal hits, i open my phone and type in his number. I'm so tired of this cyclical emotional abuse.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #AbusiveRelationship #Depression #Anxiety #Dissociation

3 reactions 3 comments

Making amends with people from the past

The past week I've tried making amends with people from the past. First a very good friend I've had with whom I had a great connection. I chose my relationship over him after he and my ex-partner A.T. had a small fight. My ex didn't want to apologize for his behaviour and after that the friendship basically ended.

I've also tried getting in touch with my grandparents now my long distance relationship has ended. He told me that my other ex told him that my grandparents took his side after the divorce. I believed him and closed myself completely off from them. I sent them a card and some flowers, and last night I found out through my ex that hey threw them away...

My long distance ex has ruined so many things for me. He has destroyed my mental health and my entire life. Meanwhile he's acting like it's all my fault and that he's the victim. But he still has everything and everyone. He still keeps attacking me and told me that no one likes me, loves me or wants me.

I'm trying to move on and forget about it all... but right now I'm so triggered. And I can't find a good way to calm down my thoughts. It's like a war in my head right now. And the thoughts that keep popping up the most is "it's better when I'm dead"...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Friends #Love #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #IntrusiveThoughts #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

1 reaction

Days go by..

I feel like days and nights don’t exist for me. I lost track of what days of the week I’m on and I’m lost on every single routine I used to do before I got into the crappy abusive relationship that I survived. I wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself and making others see me as the person I’m not. I just wish I could get myself up. #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #MentalHealth #AbuseSurvivors #AbusiveRelationship #Loneliness

8 reactions 3 comments

Emotions and alcohol

I thought saying goodbye to my favourite person (getting rid of everything like drawings and paintings and pictures etc.) would get me in a better mood. Instead I had a huge fall back tonight.

I started drinking more and more. And I am now realising that it was not a good idea. I've been an alcoholic and my ex a.k.a. my favourite person helped me off of it. And tonight I've made the mistake to drink a lot again.

I'm so afraid that I'm falling back again. My emotions are racing through my body again. I'm vulnerable and I feel like I'm about to make mistakes again by contacting him.

He even emailed me that he tried to call me earlier tonight, but I've changed my number. He said he was in the Netherlands. In the city that I am currently staying. He thought I would have loved to meet him in person. This was about an hour after I got rid of everything. So first I felt strong, then I felt weak, and then I started drinking again.

He was good for me. But at the same time he destroyed me with the things he has said. He's my weakness as well. I just don't want to think about him anymore. He and I are not good for each other. He only blames me unfortunately. And he doesn't see his own narcissist and God complex behaviour... meanwhile I want to work on my problems. But he doesn't even admit that he has them...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Relationships #AbusiveRelationship #Addiction #Alcohol #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

5 reactions 2 comments

Goodbye to my favourite person

Today I finally had the courage to go to my storage unit and get all the drawings and paintings that I made for him. I also took out the bracelet with "RAWR" ingraved. We had this dinosaur joke going on between us.

I have torn up everything and throw it all away. It didn't go without tears. But it gives some kind of closure knowing that I'll never see these things again.

It's finally a goodbye to my favourite person. To the love of my life. It's time for me to move on and take better care of myself. I can finally rediscover myself. I can finally find out what life has to offer.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #Favouriteperson

20 reactions 7 comments

Abuse recovery

I’m one week into my breakup with the most verbally abusive man I’ve ever been with. The neck grabbing, shirt grabbing, breaking my things in complete anger and yelling. How does one recover from this??? I know I need some serious help because I’m noticing a reliance of alcohol and medical weed, I’m debating on admitting myself into Shepherd Pratt which is an mental hospital which separates you by disorders. My parents are really telling me to just go to a psychiatrist and therapy but then I have to pay to go. You don’t have to pay anything supposedly. I don’t know. #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #PTSD #HighlySensitive #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #MightyQuestions #AbusiveRelationship #Selfharm #Therapy

36 reactions 16 comments

Being vulnerable and gullible

I feel like my boyfriend is only seeing me now because of the fact that I have my medical card and he doesn’t have his card officially granted yet for some reason. He’s using me I feel like to buy him a gram vape when he needs it for his anxiety and insomnia. He wanted me to leave work to get him some today because he went without it for one day. I’m not sure what to even say to him. I’m baffled. Our relationship is rocky right now because of some previous financial risks I made from an episode, in addition to his being back in a small apartment with his parents and sister. I don’t know what to do. I know what to do…but you know what I mean. #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Depression #AbusiveRelationship #EmotionalAbuse #Addiction #help

16 reactions 8 comments
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Anger is a valid emotion

Stories, books, and music, have always been cherished friends. My mother was the kind of mother that never really wanted to be a mother; it was foisted upon her. If I detach myself from this story, I see the scared 17 year old version of her that got knocked up in high school in a time and place where this was a big deal. My penitent grandparents were reborn Christians with a whole lot to atone for and my bastard existence would have most certainly been viewed as not just my mother’s failure, but by extension, also their own. So they did what everyone who lives for what the Joneses might think about them; they forced my parents to get married.

Between now and then there is a whole lot of dysfunction that extends to abuse, violence, and an ironic devotion to repeating the sins of the past, but I know that unless you consciously step out of a cycle, you’re doomed to blindly rinse and repeat it.

Putting myself back into the picture, I find I have a lot to be angry about. Not wholly against any of the players, though they all had choices to make, and I am acutely aware that most of them chose easy. Or worse—the let the cards fall where they will mentality—that allows you to remain a passive passenger in life, because you get to label this as being “destiny” or “fate”.

There’s not much I can do with my anger though, other than try to channel it into better things. But every now and again I find a good angry song to be a good way to release a bit of steam. Enter Everything’s Fine by Tracy Bonham which I’ve tweaked to fit my grievings since I went no contact with my own mother.

My lost Mother, how's the family?
I guess you did it for the dough
How's the weather? Why do I bother?
Am I lonely? Heavens know
Mother, mother, are you listening?
You want a line to appease your mind?
Life is perfect, never better
Distance helps the heart mend
When you sent me off to see the world
Were you scared that you might get hurt?
Would I try a little independence?
Would I keep on hiking up my disconcert?
I feel angry, I feel shitty
I’m losing my mind, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I'm wheezing, I'm self nursing
I'm bleeding to death, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I'm not functioning, struggling to be sunny
I'm starting to build toward the end
I can feel it, around the corner
Not sure I’ll make many more days
Mother, mother, why me?
Sure I'm kosher, sure I'm sane
Life is perfect, never better
Still not your daughter, that’s never changed
If I tell you what you want to hear
Will it help you to sleep well at night?
And you’ll tell me that I'm your perfect dear?
So you can cuddle up and sleep tight
I'm crummy, I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I'm losing, and I'm bruising
I'm bleeding to death, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I don’t miss you, not sure you ever loved me
What you did cost me my only family

#dysfunctional #Toxic #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Grief

5 reactions 1 comment

Could use some advice

My relationship with my father has been difficult and complicated my entire life. While I have always been an emotional type, my father has always been the cold/logical type. He was abusive towards me as a child. At the very same time my older brother and my classmates at school where also physically and verbally abusive towards me from kindergarten all the way through high school. I recently started family therapy with both my parents in a desperate attempt to heal our relationship. My father layed out his genuine feelings on the table this Thursday and pretty much layed blame for all my mental health issues on me. He stands by how he decided to “parent” me when I was younger and claims my mental health struggles are simply because I don’t do “enough.” I don’t work on myself enough, I don’t try enough, I don’t think rationally and logically enough. I exploded with anger when he communicated this. “You don’t get to have a primary role in messing me up in the first place and get to say that. You are the last person on this Earth who gets to say that to me you piece of shit.” Am I wrong for saying this? Am I to blame? He went even further to say my issues are a “burden” on the family and that I am selfish and unempathetic. Why do I give my father so much power over me? I guess it is because he is my father and I’ve always wanted his acceptance and for him to accept me for who I am. I could just use some added perspective from the Mighty community on this subject for my blood is still boiling from this interaction with him. #Abuse #Depression #Family #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #AbusiveRelationship