grassisgreenersyndrome

Experiencing feelings of failure and underachievement can be frustrating and defeating, especially when you feel like you're capable of more, or you're doing what seems to be enough but are not feeling rewarded or appreciated for your efforts. When feeling like you're not good enough, or like you're failing at something -- a relationship, a job, etc. -- it can start to not only hurt your confidence, but can also hurt your sense of self-worth.

Feelings of underachievement, however, don’t always reflect reality. Even highly productive people may sometimes still see themselves as falling short, creating a disconnect between achieving and the perception of not doing (or being) enough. These persistent feelings of coming up short can make it difficult to experience success in relationships, work, or other aspects of life, and can actually lead to break ups, or self-fulfilling prophecies that can create the failure that you fear. For many, misaligned feelings of failure can lead to constantly looking for a better situation and repeatedly starting over, believing that the problem is external and not internal.

Perfectionism Can Cause Feelings of Failure and Underachievement

Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword. While it may help drive you to excel, it can also set unrealistic standards and expectations that actually set up disappointment and feeling like you're failing, even if you may doing enough in other people's eyes. You may constantly strive for an unattainable ideal, in the process overlooking your achievements along the way.

For many people, this can lead to a sense of imposter syndrome, and can make you feel defeated. You may start to doubt your abilities and feel undeserving of success, often feeling like you may not know what you're doing at work, or feeling like you're not enough in your relationship (which can create other relationship issues as well).

How Society Can Exacerbate Feelings of Underachievement

In today’s world, people are bombarded with images of others’ successes (or, at least the successes the others portray). This comparison culture can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure, even when you’re succeeding in or your own life, making progress, doing enough, or being enough. Social media, in particular, often presents a curated version of reality, and for many people, comparing themselves to these images can make it easy to feel like they're falling behind or not achieving enough in their life.

A person's sense of achievement can also be significantly impacted by societal stereotypes and expectations based on gender, race, or socioeconomic status. This can create added pressure to conform or excel in specific areas, potentially overshadowing your own unique strengths and accomplishments.

Growing Up, Self-Worth, and Self-Esteem

There are a number of factors based on upbringing that can make people lean more towards perfectionism and feeling like they are constantly underachieving or failing. Issues with self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence can show up as part of family dynamics, difficulty socially, friction at home, being bullied at school, academic expectations, and so on.

When a child feels like they aren't good enough, or are struggling to make their mark at home with their parents, at school as a student, are struggling socially, or when things happen at home such as neglect, abuse, divorce, and more, it can be difficult to develop a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem. For a number of deeper psychological and emotional reasons, when a person feels like they're falling short, or are not enough as a child, it often can lead as an adult to pushing harder to achieve in order to gain self-acceptance (and acceptance and approval from others). And, while you may actually be doing enough, it still can feel like you're really falling short or still failing because you may be carrying the emotional impact of your childhood with you.

Grass is Greener Syndrome

If you have read my other posts on Grass is Greener Syndrome (check my website if you're reading this elsewhere), you may have seen how perfectionism and feelings of not being enough can make it very hard to feel satisfied in life, in relationships, in work, or where you live (among other things). When you're not feeling like you are good enough and are constantly falling short with yourself, it can lead to feeling like things around you are also falling short of what you need. For many, this is a piece of the greater grass is greener cycle that can keep people in a loop of starting over and looking for the "better" scenario that's going to make them happy. However, when not addressing the deeper inadequacy leading to feelings of misaligned failure and falling short, this cycle of feeling like nothing is good enough can be hard to break.

Seeking Help and Moving Forward

If you notice a pattern within yourself that you're constantly seeming to come up short, or are at least often feel like you're not meeting expectations, or that others are disappointed in you, and so on, seeking therapy is a good place to start to work on this. If it turns out you are actually falling short, then it would be helpful to start to understand why this is happening and how to get you onto a better track. If you are actually struggling more with a sense of self-worth rather than actually falling short, then it would be good to understand this misalignment on the inside versus reality in the world so it doesn't lead to greater self-destructive tendencies.

#perfectionism #fearoffailure #grassisgreenersyndrome

If you've struggled with grass is greener syndrome, or even if you wonder if you do, you'll likely recognize the repeated urge to start over that shows up in this cycle. Grass is greener syndrome is a complex pattern that plays out through repeatedly looking for something better, thinking you've found it, and then eventually ending up disappointed and unsatisfied again, leading to starting over again and again. It can be a really painful and defeating cycle that often leaves people feeling hopeless and out of control of meaningful parts of their lives.

People in this cycle can often struggle to commit, to settle down, and to really truly put both feet in the door. At first, it is common to feel all-in with a relationship, or a career, where to live, or otherwise. However, this all-in state only lasts so long as things stay perfect in the current situation. Once things start to change and the grass starts to fade a little, the disillusionment isn't far behind.

People who struggle with grass is greener syndrome often may feel a combination of getting in their own way, while also feeling like nothing is good enough to meet their needs (or that something is, but they just can't seem to find it).

The Craving to Start Over

There is something about the fresh start, the constantly starting over, that feels so euphoric and revitalizing for a person in this cycle. The new beginning after the breakup always begins with such a sense of hope. However, not necessarily in the way that a new beginning would often feel hopeful for someone generally starting a new job or a new relationship, or moving to a new place. When in the grass is greener cycle, starting over is more similar to feeding someone who was on the verge of dying of starvation. Or giving someone oxygen who was just about out of air.

To be fair, sometimes everyone can feel this way. Not everyone who feels hopeful and excited for a new job or relationship is struggling with grass is greener tendencies. What separates grass is greener syndrome is the repetitive cycle. That the disappointment with the relationship, the feeling of not good enough, and looking for the shiny new option seems to keep coming back around -- even often to the detriment of an otherwise positive relationship. In the grass is greener cycle, the new thing never stays good enough, it seems. It doesn't matter how wonderful the new relationship was at first, it eventually goes the way of the others. And each time, it leaves more defeat, frustration, hopelessness, and maybe even depression as a result (often leading to decision-making paralysis).

The Grass is Greener Syndrome Cycle

The overall grass is greener cycle is complex, and there is a lot that happens within it (more than can go into this article). Without getting too technical, some might believe that the grass is greener cycle starts at the beginning of the new relationship where everything is euphoric and in the honeymoon stage for a period of time. However, the beginning of the cycle is when you feel the first disappointment or letdown in the new relationship. The moment where the honeymoon ends and you start to realize that this relationship (or career, etc), isn't going to stay perfect. This relationship isn't going to avoid the feelings of disappointment either, or the difficulties, or the deprived feelings that have come up previously each time.

This is the moment that the cycle starts really starts to take hold. If nothing else, the euphoric new beginning is always the temporary reprieve from the grasp of the cycle (though, really, it still is part of the cycle -- in a somewhat similar way that an abuse cycle can still have a reconciliation or honeymoon-ish phase after an incident). Once the disappointments come in, this is where the internal battle starts. The feeling that where you are now isn't good enough, the feeling that you're being deprived of important needs that you can't live without. And, as a result, you start doubting where you are, looking around again for the new option that will get it right next time.

Is it Possible to Tame Grass is Greener Patterns?

While people often come to me feeling helpless and hopeless to put an end to this cycle, I've seen many people come through the other side of it. It's important to be aware that grass is greener syndrome is not simply a commitment issue, even though difficulty with commitment is one symptom of the greater issue. Where people often go wrong in trying to overcome grass is greener syndrome is that they often try to "just commit" to a situation, hoping that this, and a strong sense of discipline, will resolve the issue. The problem, however, is that ultimately the deeper patterns, such as the deep feelings of deprivation and disappointment, to name a couple, generally become intolerable, and eventually it consumes the well-intended decision to commit to the situation. This leads to the constantly starting over, no matter how good the intentions are. Getting to understand your grass is greener cycle, and working to undo it is what needs the attention. It's in that process that people are able to move forward.

#grassisgreenersyndrome #grassisgreener #Relationships #commitment #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth

If you aren't familiar with my articles and work on Grass is Greener Syndrome, maybe consider taking a look through my writings to see more on this topic. In summary, people who struggle with Grass is Greener Syndrome (I'll refer to it as GIGS for simplicity) tend to be stuck in a repetitive pattern of always looking for more, or better. Even when something new feels fulfilling at first, eventually the novelty wears off, the euphoria fades, disillusionment sets in, and then it starts to feel like something is missing. In a constant search for the ideal, people who struggle with GIGS often end healthy relationships, or start new careers, or are constantly on the move geographically (or in other ways), repeatedly starting over.

While this is GIGS in action, what is less recognized is the underside of GIGS. This includes phenomena such as decision-making paralysis.

The Underside of Grass is Greener Syndrome

While Grass is Greener Syndrome has its action cycle, GIGS also has a passive underside. This often shows up when people have repeatedly played out the active cycle of starting over, thinking they've found everything they're looking for, and then only to be disappointed and disillusioned again and again. When this happens enough, people can often start to recognize that something isn't working, and it can begin to feel like their decision-making mechanism is "broken". This tends to be experienced as feeling like big decisions you make are the wrong decisions, and will only lead to regret.

Essentially, people who struggle with GIG patterns can eventually lose the ability to trust themselves to make effective decisions. It becomes painful and defeating to keep being hurt by starting over in a relationship, feeling at first like you have everything you want, and then being disappointed again. So, instead, a person goes to the other extreme and stops making decisions or changes altogether. In some ways becoming a passenger in their own life. This leads to the underside of GIGS -- a state of paralysis and ambivalence that takes hold, where people find themselves unable to actually make significant life decisions and are constantly weighing decisions that are either never made, or are made passively (not doing something is still its own form of decision).

Another element of this underside is the sense of wishing to shed responsibility and accountability. There is often a feeling of shame from having made a series of decisions that have led to pain or regret, or a general lack of fulfillment. In response, it can leave people not only unsettled about making further decisions, but it can leave them unsettled about wanting more responsibility for the emotional consequences of future decisions. People in this position would often be happy if someone else initiated the breakup, or suggested a new move, or planned the vacation, etc., because then no matter how it turns out, it doesn't have to feel like they've made another decision that doesn't work out and now they have to cope with. It would be someone else's responsibility, which would feel like a relief to not have the responsibility on their own shoulders. Basically, it removes the potential for more shame, regret, and inadequacy to be experienced if you're not the one ultimately responsible for a decision that doesn't work out.

So, in the GIGS underside, often the changes are actually still desired, however the trust with oneself to make decisions has become compromised and the pain and regret of previous decisions has taken hold.

Where Does Grass is Greener Paralysis Go?

It is not uncommon for someone in this state of decision paralysis to end up feeling depressed, hopeless, unfulfilled, alone, and disappointed in their lives (even if, at times, there can be a lot in their lives to feel fulfilled by, but it's hard to get past the paralysis).

It can often feel for someone in this state like there are only two options -- to either keep playing out the active GIG cycle of starting over, or do nothing and live in disappointment and deprivation. Both can feel quite painful and eventually intolerable. However, there are more options internally for how to manage the risks in making big decisions, as well as potentially learning how to adjust expectations that can also be impeding fulfillment, and other options that may not be as accessible in the moment.

This is one of the reasons, as I've written about in the past, that Grass is Greener Syndrome often needs outside help to come through. When people are in the active or passive GIGS cycle, generally the internal mechanism that has created GIGS has been there for a long time, gaining strength as the cycle repeats. It tends to be a black-and-white, all-or-nothing cycle. And it can be quite hard to find the middle ground and even see the opening for other ways to approach it when entrenched in the repetition. When stuck in the cycle, the goals tend to become focused more on nourishing the deprivations, which perpetuates the cycle, rather than finding one's way out of the cycle.

Working through Grass is Greener Syndrome

I have seen many people come through the other end of Grass is Greener Syndrome. I know when you're in it and feeling helpless or hopeless to the cycle, it may feel impossible to find your way out of it. But it is possible and there is hope to come through the other end of it.

#grassisgreenersyndrome #Decisions #decisionmaking #Relationships #Anxiety #Depression

If you aren't familiar with my articles and work on Grass is Greener Syndrome, maybe consider taking a look through my writings to see more on this topic. In summary, people who struggle with Grass is Greener Syndrome (I'll refer to it as GIGS for simplicity) tend to be stuck in a repetitive pattern of always looking for more, or better. Even when something new feels fulfilling at first, eventually the novelty wears off, the euphoria fades, disillusionment sets in, and then it starts to feel like something is missing. In a constant search for the ideal, people who struggle with GIGS often end healthy relationships, or start new careers, or are constantly on the move geographically (or in other ways), repeatedly starting over.

While this is GIGS in action, what is less recognized is the underside of GIGS. This includes phenomena such as decision-making paralysis.

The Underside of Grass is Greener Syndrome

While Grass is Greener Syndrome has its action cycle, GIGS also has a passive underside. This often shows up when people have repeatedly played out the active cycle of starting over, thinking they've found everything they're looking for, and then only to be disappointed and disillusioned again and again. When this happens enough, people can often start to recognize that something isn't working, and it can begin to feel like their decision-making mechanism is "broken". This tends to be experienced as feeling like big decisions you make are the wrong decisions, and will only lead to regret.

Essentially, people who struggle with GIG patterns can eventually lose the ability to trust themselves to make effective decisions. It becomes painful and defeating to keep being hurt by starting over in a relationship, feeling at first like you have everything you want, and then being disappointed again. So, instead, a person goes to the other extreme and stops making decisions or changes altogether. This leads to the underside of GIGS -- a state of paralysis and ambivalence that takes hold, where people find themselves unable to actually make significant life decisions and are constantly weighing decisions that are either never made, or are made passively (not doing something is still its own form of decision).

Another element of this underside is the sense of wishing to shed responsibility and accountability. There is often a feeling of shame from having made a series of decisions that have led to pain or regret, or a general lack of fulfillment. In response, it can leave people not only unsettled about making further decisions, but it can leave them unsettled about wanting more responsibility for the emotional consequences of future decisions. People in this position would often be happy if someone else initiated the breakup, or suggested a new move, or planned the vacation, etc., because then no matter how it turns out, it doesn't have to feel like they've made another decision that doesn't work out and now they have to cope with. It would be someone else's responsibility, which would feel like a relief to not have the responsibility on their own shoulders. Basically, it removes the potential for more shame, regret, and inadequacy to be experienced if you're not the one ultimately responsible for a decision that doesn't work out.

So, in the GIGS underside, often the changes are actually still desired, however the trust with oneself to make decisions has become compromised and the pain and regret of previous decisions has taken hold.

Where Does Grass is Greener Paralysis Go?

It is not uncommon for someone in this state of decision paralysis to end up feeling depressed, hopeless, unfulfilled, alone, and disappointed in their lives. It can often feel for someone in this state like there are only two options -- to either keep playing out the active GIG cycle of starting over, or do nothing and live in disappointment and deprivation. Both can feel quite painful and eventually intolerable. However, there are more options internally for how to manage the risks in making big decisions, as well as potentially learning how to adjust expectations that can also be impeding fulfillment, and other options that may not be as accessible in the moment.

This is one of the reasons, as I've written about in the past, that Grass is Greener Syndrome often needs outside help to come through. When people are in the active or passive GIGS cycle, generally the internal mechanism that has created GIGS has been there for a long time, gaining strength as the cycle repeats. It tends to be a black-and-white, all-or-nothing cycle. And it can be quite hard to find the middle ground and even see the opening for other ways to approach it when entrenched in the repetition. The goals tend to become focused more on nourishing the deprivations, rather than finding one's way out of the cycle.

I have seen many people come through the other end of Grass is Greener Syndrome. I know when you're in it and feeling helpless or hopeless to it, it may feel impossible to find your way out of it. But it is possible and there is hope to come through the other end of this cycle.

#grassisgreenersyndrome #decisionmaking