Hypochondria

Howdy Howdy!. I was just diagnosed with heart failure in May 2024. It took me 17 years to get that diagnosis. But I got it now and am doing much better now that treatment has started. Before that I had a "mystery disease", aka hypochondria.

I want to share a positive development in my life in hopes it will help others believe that things can get better. I’ve dealt with mental illness my whole life. As a child, I had severe anxiety and depression, chronic illness, insomnia, hypochondria, superstition, paranoia, and OCD. Add to that emotional neglect and abuse. I was terrified by things like my family watching the “wrong” channel on TV and snow when the sun shone on it. I couldn’t tell anyone because I was obviously a freak. I became suicidal at age 11. Then I read all my dad’s books on anxiety and tried meditation. It helped somewhat, but then I became manic and self medicated with alcohol and pot. But I was a black out drunk and pot made me psychotic. I cried every night through college. I got married, had three kids, and taught for 27 years. I was volatile and suicidal, but skeptical of therapy and medication. In his senior year, one of my sons lost his ability to read, became psychotic, and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Within a half hour of taking Abilify, his psychosis disappeared. A few months later, my career ended, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I availed myself of therapy and medication because of how it helped my son. Even so, I sunk into despair and attempted suicide twice and was hospitalized 4 times. Things improved, but then in 2017 I started having these terrifying episodes of unreality and extreme mental torture. Nothing helped. These episodes lasted for hours and came out of the blue. No one understood. My psychiatrist berated me as a failure. But I was weirdly happy that no one could relate, because I was a freak again, and I didn’t want anyone anywhere near experiencing it. The poet Sylvia Plath, who died with her head in an oven, said “Is there no way out of my mind?” I get that. On top of the episodes, I found it nearly impossible to leave the house. I always felt like I was swimming upstream.
Now for the good news: I feel fine now. I honestly don’t know why, or if it will last. But there is hope for others if there’s hope for me. My faith is a big part of my recovery, but I’ll leave it at that because it offends some members. Just trust me that you can weather this storm and things really can change. And I care about all of you. #Bipolar 1 Depression GAD OCD PTSD

I find the Parenting post really offensive, why dwell completely on negatives, Mighty people seem to be healthier than that post indicates, and there are more positive ways of seeing what issues there are, economics is also an issue, like coming from affluence and so not being accepted for 8 years and enduring the death of a parent and another very old, this is extremely hard to deal with , I follow a faithful life style, yet I am constantly threatened and want to take my life, then it passes, this too shall pass, maybe, nothing is for sure except death and taxes, tell that truth to someone with suicide on their mind, I love to have food on my table, it is an honour, it's more of a cafe with so many personalities visiting, I try to keep on an even keele, but sometimes I fail, I'm often using the icons to pray for help, or stop his anger, it's hard, or hers, it's hard, that's daughter not parent, i came from a good family, I don't know why my life is so valueless, sometimes we can't do much but live moment to moment, it's just hard, mine were older and sick or with health problems or hypochondria most of the time, but that's easier to deal with than a schitzophrenic husband or violent sometimes teen daughter, faith is really important and it is faithfulness weekend, cause that's the Russian Orthodox faith of his fathers, and his mothers whom he loves, he's a good man sometimes, or they wouldn't have let me marry him 15 years ago, I don't think he does drugs, it's just mental illness, and orders all the time, what is one or three lives, tight, Peace

I had my first major panic attack related to health anxiety for the first time in months. After I finally managed to calm down, I wrote this out to basically jot down what is going through my brain when I have a panic attack, and a back to back one none the less.

I am still learning how to cope,
I am still learning to just be,
I am still learning how to take care of myself,
And I am still learning that it is okay to still be learning.

Every time that I manage to say “I am so happy where I am right now,” my anxiety has to run in to tear it down. It clings to something and makes it so real in my brain that I begin to believe it. I begin to believe I’m really sick. I begin to believe I should have gotten that blood work done because maybe something is wrong with me that I don’t know about yet. Any small change in my normal routine sends me into a full blown panic. I begin to get OCD about it. How many times did I use the restroom? What did I eat today? Have I lost weight? Have I gained weight?

My heart is racing. My mind can only focus on, “Are you sick? Are you going to throw up? You’re scared to do that. Don’t let that happen!” I panic when one little thing hurts or if I have a change in bathroom habits. Then, because I am so good at being anxious and latching onto a thought that I logically know does not exist, I spiral. And then I become anxious that I’m anxious. It seems like a never ending cycle sometimes.

Is something physically going on with my brain?

No, but something chemically is.

But, that isn’t an excuse. I should suck it up and do what I need to do.

No, sweetie. Just because this illness does not manifest itself as other illnesses do, it doesn’t make it any less real.

And as I go through this, and I go in circles, suddenly I start my period. I kid you not. I spend a whole week an anxious mess. I can’t sleep, I’m either pissed off or upset. The thought of going out in public is even more anxiety inducing. And most of the time, once my period starts, everything is fine. I settle down, I feel better except for some cramps and being completely exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel like I sleep the first three days of my period.

It is a rollercoaster of emotion sometimes, and I’m finding ways to cope. Finding ways to just be, and remind myself this happens. And when it happens, I can find ways to cope, breathe, and reassure myself that I am safe and I am healthy.
#PMDD #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Hypochondria

MS: like Lindsay, it took 32 years to finally get diagnosed with MS. That was 32 years of emergency room visits and dr. Appts where I was convinced and absolutely terrified that I was dying. I had days where I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t’t talk, I couldn’t read (or reason)and I could’n’t swallow. Try going 3or4 days without being able to swallow! Anything! I was married to a dear man who put up with me and tried to help me but also had to go to work, leaving me with our originally 3 year old and newborn twins. The medical community mostly thought hypochondria or depression. It was hell on earth. I am proud to say that all 3 children lived to adulthood (although I’m not totally sure how) and I have a good, loving relationship with all. Sadly my husband died about a year before I was diagnosed so he never knew that there was actually a real disease that had caused his not-actually-crazy wife’s agony. One of the saddest things in my life is that he never knew.
MS cheated me out of most of my life, although I have to be grateful because it could have been so much worse. When I was 60, I bumped into a MS activist friend who sent me to Dr. Ann Cabot in Concord, NH, who diagnosed me. I cried in relief and things began improving from there with treatment. Yes, I agree Lindsay. Those saints who can diagnose (and who actually LISTEN to us) should be mentioned as the hero’s they are. Dr. Cabot is one.
I’m sorry this is so long. I’m new to the mighty. I’ve never written my story out before. I’m hoping this will help. The good news I have for others is that my current doctor (I live in VA now) says some people almost “age out” of MS. That is happening to me. I’m not on Copaxone anymore (which is handy since I’d developed an allergy to it anyway), I’m much more comfortable with much less drugs. I’m now 71. I hope the same for all of you.

Does anyone else have pains that seem to be tied to anxiety/panic attacks? For example I had a panic attack that was triggered by stress and resulted in chest and upper back pain like 3 days ago. And since then it’s been like a revolving door of panic and pain - maybe each causing the other? I can’t seem to shake it. And the pain isn’t so bad, just there enough that it’s hard to ignore. The worst part is that - even though I have had tests and been told by a cardiologist that my pains are not cardiac related- I spend a LOT of time thinking that THIS time might be different and it is cardiac after all. Does anyone else have this problem? Any advice on how to deal?
#PanicDisorder #ChestPain #Hypochondria #Anxiety