I don’t know how else to explain it other than having your skin crawling with shame, but being too tired to attempt to remedy. It’s exhaustion from coming to terms with my patterns over and over again, year after year, month after month, love after love. It’s being confused, a vertigo like sensation when the chaos of a splitting episode ends. Having felt alone, abandoned and scared for days on end whilst in reality tearing down the very people I love and who love me unconditionally. Only to come out of it through the sobering reality and security found in the damage done while anxious. It’s the guilt I feel when I only feel loved through the pain and stress I’ve caused. I desperately want this to end, often it leaves me wanting to end my own life - though fleeting, it is a reality. To end it for the greater good, for peace - not even my own but for the ones I love. The comedown is where I feel safe and inspired to rise, it’s where I get the energy to do better because of the empathy I feel for the aching hearts around me. To fix the rubble caused by my own war path, I feel needed in the comedown. But what is it worth to fix, that of which I break over, and over again. I am a good man, I know this - when will the cycle end, I am trying tirelessly.