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From Sad, To Numb, To Anger (And Loving It)

My being sad is not normal to me... Once I’m sad, I’ll be this way for hours ( maybe even days). Once the sadness is over, I feel so numb and emotionless. Like a robot. I feel so empty, that I feel nothing. Then comes the anger... In these moments, I’m filled with so much hatred that I end up loving that feeling. I feel like I have all the confidence in the world when I’m angry. I no longer care about anything or anyone. I may stay angry for a while for various reasons (see last post). The funny thing is that I’m very calm on the outside, but raging on inside. I feel a need to cut people off, I want to destroy them by telling them who they are and where they can go. With all of the hurt feelings I have, I just want to demolish something, anything. I’ve been feeling worthless for long enough, I’ve been looked over long enough, I’ve had enough. #MentalHealth #Depression #ivehadenough #Emotions


Why, why, why?

This morning, I’ve seemed to be full of ‘why’ questions. Many of which I feel don’t have answers. I feel totally frustrated, angry, hopeless, among other things. Why should I hold on to anything if nothing really stays? Why should my life be looked at as valuable if all I feel is invisible in a world full of people? Why do I hold such hope and compassion for people who only care about what they can get out of life for themselves? Why do I create space for people whom I feel don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Why should I keep showing up for people who only care when I’ve stopped coming around? Just... Why? And I keep putting myself through hell every time. Maybe it would be better to close myself off from the world... I’ve become soured by life. I’ve given up looking for signs of good because my heart has been broken enough times while looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and always finding fool’s gold. My life, among other things, don’t seem to have the importance it once had, and all I want is to vanish into thin air. #Depression #MentalHealth #whybother #why #hurtandangry #frustrated #alienated #questions #angry #Lostmyjoy #hopelessness #isolated #aloneinlife #givingup #Lossofcontrol #ivehadenough

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No Hope #ivehadenough

I’ve had six months of physical pain, few answers, little hope. I’m waiting for two doctors to call. I’ve been praying for a little glimmer of hope, and if it doesn’t come today, I don’t know how I will go on. And the guilt that maybe I did this to myself, too afraid to take medication that may have helped treat this bone condition. I will never know. #hopeless