isolated

#questions #Pain #Rejection #Heartache #Lonliness #Family #outcast #unfamiliar

I'm wondering what the f*** happened to my once close nit family unit. Despite the traumatic events that resulted in my BPD I believe I had a good childhood and a great loving supportive family.my father had NPD and my mother was extremely antisocial but they were high functioning as far as raising kids owning a house and working full-time. My mother was loving compassionate supportive and so caring when it came to us kids she would spend all her free time spending time with us while my brother was at home He's 8 years older and he left when I was 9 for college.I can remember doing things as a family all the time playing badminton going swimming riding mountain bike going on family vacations shopping spree road trips on our birthdays My brother coming home for Christmas and us doing traditional European Christmas Eve celebration.We would watch TGIF cable television every Friday as a family and Saturday night board games and then Sunday night special dinners on top of the six other days a week we had family dinners together.If there was something happening at my school like children performances for Christmas my mom was always there she never missed a thing except for bring your parent to school day. I grew up having my mom read me bedtime stories and give me a hug before bed and saying good night I love you in our language which is "dobre notz" forgive my spelling.I was ostracized by our whole entire town because I never got socialized in having no family and parents without friends with kids nobody taught me any of the social skills I needed to know to be able to not be targeted.So needless to say growing up my very best friend was always my mother.After the age of five there was nothing that I was afraid to tell my mother I could always tell her the truth no matter how bad how painful except for things that make me cry oh she would get mad when I cried.At 14 One day she calmly just asked me if I have had sex yet and do I need birth control should we make a doctor's appointment.I found that to be a little odd as I had no friends barely made it to school and hardly left the house but I had no problems answering the question.Every Time I got a new boyfriend and I was crazy in love and he was the one My mom was the one I could talk to about it.She was also the one who would keep my secrets like every time I got pregnant and didn't want to tell my dad.She was 99% of the time my biggest support system.My father and I had a very surface level relationship growing up I can remember him providing for me and watching movies with me but that's about it. we didn't become closer until I was around the age of 16 and even then it was quite a volatile relationship with his narcissistic personality disorder and my free spirited BPD disorder "Imma do what I want to do and you can't do nothing about it" attitude.As a family unit me my mom and my dad and my kids were incredibly close we even lived in the same apartment building one floor apart. we'd have dinner together every single night My mom would come with me to every school event for 2 of 3 of my kids lives.She was the one to stay with me at the hospital when I was having each child.If I or the kids got sick she was right there taking care of us.Sadly just over 2 years ago on May 2nd My father passed away of a heart attack.

FROM THAT MOMENT ON I HAVE NO CLUE WHO MY MOTHER IS OR WHY SHE CHANGED. SHE IS COLD APATHETIC DISTANT AND CAN BE QUITE MEAN. FOR EXAMPLE AT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER I LET MY MOM KNOW THAT SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENED TO MY CHILDREN AND I AND THAT NO WE WERE NOT DOING OKAY BECAUSE OF IT. SHE HAD NOTHING TO SAY AFTER I TOLD HER AND THEN WHEN I SAID I'D LIKE HER TO BE AROUND MORE SHE SAID "DON'T CONTACT ME TILL HALLOWEEN YOUR BROTHER'S COMING FOR THANKSGIVING I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED" ONCE AGAIN FAMILY HOLIDAY COMES UP BUT ME AND THE CHILDREN ARE NOT INVITED. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY INSIGHT THAT THEY CAN SHARE WITH ME AS TO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE WOMAN WALKING AROUND IN MY MOM'S BODY THAT IS NOT THE PERSON I'VE KNOWN FOR 40 YEARS?? THE ONLY REASON SHE EVEN SPEAKS TO ME IS BECAUSE I KNOW SHE'S GETTING UP THERE IN AGE AND I CHECK ON HER EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY BUT SINCE THE DAY MY FATHER DIED SHE'S NEVER ONCE PICKED UP THE PHONE TO CALL ME. FAMILY DINNERS STOPPED HOLIDAYS TOGETHER STOPPED SHOPPING TOGETHER STOPPED CAR RIDES TOGETHER STOPPED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT ME AND MY CHILDREN GREW UP WITH JUST STOPPED. OUR ENTIRE FAMILY CONSISTS OF MY THREE CHILDREN ME MY MOM AND MY BROTHER THAT'S HOW SMALL OUR FAMILY IS. SO WHY DOES MY MOTHER ONLY VALUE MY BROTHER IS A FAMILY MEMBER AND HAS COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED AND DISTANCED HERSELF FOR ME AND THE CHILDREN THAT SHE HELPED RAISE? SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN WONDERFUL WITH CHILDREN INCLUDING HAVING ONE WITH BPD WHO WOULD HAVE TO MAKE THE PHONE CALL ONCE I WAS AN ADULT HEY MOM I'M IN JAIL AND SHE WOULD HANDLE IT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING NEVER GET UPSET ALWAYS BE SUPPORTIVE AND TAUGHT ME THAT FAMILY STICKS TOGETHER NO MATTER WHAT. SO WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO CAUSE SUCH A DRASTIC DRAMATIC CHANGE IN HOW MY MOTHER FEELS ABOUT ME AND MY CHILDREN??#Rejection #isolated #Lonliness #Family #Pain #Sadness

Recently going through a breakup, somewhat mutual but I brought up the fact that maybe we are going around in circles breaking up and getting back together, I had a bad panic attack/ crying I was stressed/ overwhelmed and they meant well to support me but were comparing me, saying I should be stronger, crying makes me weak etc, English isn’t their first language but they speak it well 🗣️, and I guess I was hurt because I know they meant well but it just made me feel more crappy and stigmatized, they kept going on and on and comparing me to other people etc. I know they loved me and were just concerned, but it sucks i feel regret though I feel in my gut it was problem for the best for both of us. But almost 3 years into a relationship
It’s still hard to let go. I’m proud of myself for doing a lot better than I expected but it’s hard when you get those emotional breakdowns and are just overwhelmed by everything and life in general.

#breakup #recovering #MentalHealth #Hurts #grieving #relationship #Ex
#healthybuttoxictoo #help #kindreminders #helpme #sad #Crying #Upset #Disappointed #regrets #dontknowwhattodo #isolated

No one listens so I write #Art #BPD #Pain #isolated #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #pleasehelp #Addiction