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    Competitive Sport

    By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

    It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

    I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

    If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

    There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

    My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

    It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

    My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

    In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

    #self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

    5 reactions 1 comment

    So I'm in Walgreens prescription & booster shot. I decided to get a few things & thought I would finish before shot. Didn't, so decided I would get prescription before they close or I forgot. Pharmacist gives me prescription & says have a seat be right with you. I put my shopping basket down, place my personal bag on top. I thought I was being honest, and start taking off coat. Woman walks by saying you have your bag ontop of groceries. "Oh I know I'm getting a booster shot I haven't paid for this yet. I'm not done shopping." You have a prescription? "Yes I paid for that but I'm not done yet." Tries to walk away with my basket. "Mam! I'm still shopping can I have my basket back" Pharmacist is like is everything ok? I overheard lady telling staff to keep an eye on me.

    I'm on my way home now. The pharmacist was super nice. Finished my shopping. When I checked out I asked cashier to look in my bag so I wouldn't be harassed after check out. Turns out cashier was a manager. He apologized said I was ok.
    But I'm upset. I started swearing & I don't swear. Wtf!!? #Harrassement #Anxiety #bullies #anger #Depression #triggers #emotional Pain #painful #suffering #isolated

    9 reactions 3 comments

    Loneliness #lonely #isolated

    I’ve completely lost all of my friends over the past 2 years. When I mean completely, I actually mean I have none left. I’ve lost a major friend group of 13 years around a year and a half ago. My last remaining friends I lost a few months ago. I’ve been so incredibly lonely. I watch all these shows and movies with friends and I don’t have that. My mental illnesses are also a major deterrence for people. I don’t even know where to begin for making new friends, I’ve tried and it never works. :(

    See full photo

    I don’t have enough time or coloring supplies to deal with this ish no more

    No one listens so I write #Art #BPD #Pain #isolated #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #pleasehelp #Addiction



    I’m feeling frustrated. It’s been two years now for me that I’ve been predominantly in isolation due to the pandemic. My anxiety has been so high and continues to just axe away at my brain. My drs have no answers for me, no guidance, except to protect myself as I have no primary immune system. I’ve been calling them asking about advancements they haven’t even heard of yet… so frustrating. Not sure how much longer I can go on in this posture of nothingness.
    I only leave my home for infusions at the hospital and even there I don’t feel safe now because the staff is working sick as well.
    #justventing #CommonVariableImmuneDeficiency #COVID19 #isolated


    feeling isolated

    anybody feeling isolated and lonely especially with people doing things with restrictions lifted ? #lonely #isolated #lost #BPD #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression

    1 comment

    Isolation thoughts and fighting loneliness

    This #Poem was written halfway through the lock-down of #2020. My mind felt #isolated and #Depression was flaring. I hope it resonates with you; #When loneliness began to kick in and how our minds will do anything to feel the comfort of human contact.

    With Urgency and Passion

    By: Natalie N.

    Maybe if the thoughts were written out

    With less urgency, less passion,

    they would come out more precise

    Then where is did the message go?

    In one ear and out the other?

    Laying on the bedroom floor

    You can hear the tenants words

    Float to the ceiling, their secrets

    Their private life lived out through eavesdropping

    His words going in one ear out the other

    You tried to catch his thoughts, their feelings

    On a piece of torn paper, did it work?

    Did gentleness trump the passion, was it more precise?

    Did you find the answer to making this easy?

    Is it Self-isolation or a cage?

    Maybe if the thoughts were written out

    With urgency and passion

    They would come out jumbled, but with meaning

    Making a message harder to read

    Ebbing into the mind and making an impact

    I lay on the bedroom floor

    Hoping to hear the conversations of below

    Self-isolation can make you mindless

    Maybe I will hear a story or two or three

    About when gentleness trumped passion


    Today is hard

    Today is a weird day. It's been a weird couple of weeks. I find myself missing old friends that I haven't talked to in years. I talked to my husband last night about how I was just a mess younger and how terrible I feel about some of the things I messed up on. I appreciate his support. I'm just having a hard time feeling lonely. I'm having a hard time connecting with others though so I'm just kind of stuck with this feeling for now.#alone #isolated #depressed



    i feel so alone , got so much time on my hands , is anybody else feeling this way? #lonely #isolated #fomo #time

    1 comment

    Seriously, is life worth living?

    What’s the point in living? I don’t currently have a job and haven’t for the past year. I can tell my family can’t stand being around me (my mum fully ignores me now since moving back home) it’s like I’m invisible.
    I thought I was okay after breaking up with my boyfriend and that even though I don’t have a job I can still find purpose with other interests that I have (web development online, e-commerce, etc ) but I just feel as if there if no hope left for me. I know that sounds like I’m being lazy or giving up but I feel so numb that apart of me doesn’t even care anymore.
    In a way I wish I could go back to my old life where I was making people happy because I was working (but stuck in a place I hated) & now due to COVID I can’t even get a job. My social skills have completely gone down hill now, I don’t even know if going to an interview and starting a job would be possible. It’s so hard I just need motivation I’ve lost all hope in myself. I’m crying as I’m writing this because I’m sitting alone in my bedroom isolating myself from everyone. I’m tired and I’m done with being me. Does any one else relate? #lostjob #isolated #Capitalism #unsocial #anxious #COVID19